Guilt/obligation and the holiday season

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

So it's been about 2 months of no contact with my ex UBPD gf and as usual (meaning we've been through this many times) my head is clearer and I'm more focussed and relaxed. It was hard again going through the chain of emotions in processing the fight/break/separation but ultimately I feel better because I'm not being emotionally and verbally abused on a regular basis and treated like a slave.

My biggest fear right now is the fact that the impending Christmas season is coming and I'm confused and concerned I will act out of guilt/obligation as I have done in the past. In the past I have gotten her son a gift because I hate the though of kids suffering because their parent & significant othe are having differences.

In the six years previous I have never not gotten him something for Christmas with the irony being that it has often been when his mother and I aren't speaking. And of course this usually precipitates a get together and some form of reconciliation.

I know I am in complete control here but I do struggle with the fact that I miss her son & extended family and it always gets hard at this time of year.

Does anyone else struggle with this and how do you cope?

[Awesome Jim]

So it's been about 2 months of no contact with my ex UBPD gf and as usual (meaning we've been through this many times) my head is clearer and I'm more focussed and relaxed. It was hard again going through the chain of emotions in processing the fight/break/separation but ultimately I feel better because I'm not being emotionally and verbally abused on a regular basis and treated like a slave.

My biggest fear right now is the fact that the impending Christmas season is coming and I'm confused and concerned I will act out of guilt/obligation as I have done in the past. In the past I have gotten her son a gift because I hate the though of kids suffering because their parent & significant othe are having differences.

In the six years previous I have never not gotten him something for Christmas with the irony being that it has often been when his mother and I aren't speaking. And of course this usually precipitates a get together and some form of reconciliation.

I know I am in complete control here but I do struggle with the fact that I miss her son & extended family and it always gets hard at this time of year.

Does anyone else struggle with this and how do you cope?

[free-n-clear]

  I hear you, mate. My uBPDxgf has 2 young sons, I miss them more than I miss her. The older one had his 8th birthday just before I ended the r/s, so he got a gift from me, the younger one turned 5 not long after the split, so I haven't seen him or given him a gift. I'll very likely see them at a social club Family Christmas party next weekend, (their Mum & I are both members) and I'm torn between giving the young bloke his birthday gift, giving them both Christmas gifts, and just giving them a hug and leaving it at that. I don't want the xgf to think I'm looking to reconcile, but as you say, why should the kids miss out? It's not their fault that their Mum used up all her one more chances. 

[Awesome Jim]

You said it well my friend - "used up all her 1 more chances". And you're right it's not easy to know what to do and ultimately kids shouldn't suffer because their parent is a difficult PITA.

[fromheeltoheal]

My situation was a little easier because her kids are teenagers, deeply enmeshed with mom, so when we had a rift they would side with her, always.  I know it was a conflict for her son because we bonded very strongly; he was under matriarchal control, and that is going to present challenges for him as he becomes and adult, although he does love his mama.  I don't miss her, but I do miss what I had with the kids, although it's a bigger deal for me than it is for them, since I'm one of many, many suitors, and unfortunately they're used to it.

It's unfortunate when someone with a serious mental illness reproduces, in fact mine did it in part to create humans who would never leave her, like everyone else has, although it backfired because her oldest kids have already left.  It's difficult with children and extended family when a relationship ends, we're losing a package deal, but for me it would have been inappropriate to retain relationships with family members and not her, and there was no way I was continuing one with her.

Depending on how old her son is, I think the best thing you can give him is a sense of closure.  Relationships dissolving is a part of life and something that gets to be learned, but the lack of closure that usually happens with our borderlines is not the right way.  Getting him something out of guilt/obligation won't support him in my mind, and may be similar to the dynamic that existed in the relationship, which isn't doing you any favors either.