Multiple Recycles Condition You

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

I was just thinking about how "multiple recycles" in my relationship have conditioned me to expect her to come back again.

6x in 18mo! That is a lot. That is insane. The one before last she was physically abusive... .pulled me up the stairs by my hair and spit in my face.

When I think about the abuse... .really think about it... .I recoil that I took someone back who literally "hocked" and spit at me. Spit dripping down my face as I cried. She called me later saying she missed me and loved me and then ran off to her ex, thretening a restraining order against me (against ME because I was trying to make sense of something that I would never be able to). Within a month she was back and it was like I forgot this abuse even happened. When I mentioned it she did not want to talk about it, even disregarded and changed the subject completely.

Who does this to someone? Someone who cannot control themselves normally.  It's like being a caged animal with a swinging "doggy door"... .there IS a way out (and we see that) but we stay inside, allowing the abuse to come in and attack us at our most vulnerable.

I was often accused by her of "not being vulnerable enough". I find that laughable since my vulnerability clearly got the best of me!

I began to see my self worth in these recycles when I know this is not healthy for me. Even my ex before her would never treat me like this. We are even friends (he lives states away). He said he can't believe I would ever allow this, that is not the girl he used to date, the confident, funny, creative woman with a huge smile and heart.

I am struggling every day with the "idealization and rejection" I received from my uBPD ex that conditioned me to think her approval made me worthy or not worthy of being loved or even loveable.

Deep down I know I am a loveable person with a big heart. How I ever let someone dictate my self-worth is beyond me. She has a replacement now and I know it won't be long before the same thing happens to her, and then another, and then another... .

hopefully I will be out of the cycle. She said she would never speak to me again... .but she is friends with ALL her exes (except those who dumped her or wanted nothing to do with her) and she has recycled me so many times I am an easy target. I mean she thretened a RO and came back after saying she never wanted me in her life again.

I am hoping with each day I grow stronger and no longer attract people into my life that treat me poorly. I hope someday I forget about her and the hold she currently has over me. I used to be happier. Now I am depressed and a total killjoy to be around.

I am working on it day by day and slowly starting to obsess less over what she is doing and who she is with.

She is currently living her life as "normal" while mine has stopped.

[Pretty Woman]

I was just thinking about how "multiple recycles" in my relationship have conditioned me to expect her to come back again.

6x in 18mo! That is a lot. That is insane. The one before last she was physically abusive... .pulled me up the stairs by my hair and spit in my face.

When I think about the abuse... .really think about it... .I recoil that I took someone back who literally "hocked" and spit at me. Spit dripping down my face as I cried. She called me later saying she missed me and loved me and then ran off to her ex, thretening a restraining order against me (against ME because I was trying to make sense of something that I would never be able to). Within a month she was back and it was like I forgot this abuse even happened. When I mentioned it she did not want to talk about it, even disregarded and changed the subject completely.

Who does this to someone? Someone who cannot control themselves normally.  It's like being a caged animal with a swinging "doggy door"... .there IS a way out (and we see that) but we stay inside, allowing the abuse to come in and attack us at our most vulnerable.

I was often accused by her of "not being vulnerable enough". I find that laughable since my vulnerability clearly got the best of me!

I began to see my self worth in these recycles when I know this is not healthy for me. Even my ex before her would never treat me like this. We are even friends (he lives states away). He said he can't believe I would ever allow this, that is not the girl he used to date, the confident, funny, creative woman with a huge smile and heart.

I am struggling every day with the "idealization and rejection" I received from my uBPD ex that conditioned me to think her approval made me worthy or not worthy of being loved or even loveable.

Deep down I know I am a loveable person with a big heart. How I ever let someone dictate my self-worth is beyond me. She has a replacement now and I know it won't be long before the same thing happens to her, and then another, and then another... .

hopefully I will be out of the cycle. She said she would never speak to me again... .but she is friends with ALL her exes (except those who dumped her or wanted nothing to do with her) and she has recycled me so many times I am an easy target. I mean she thretened a RO and came back after saying she never wanted me in her life again.

I am hoping with each day I grow stronger and no longer attract people into my life that treat me poorly. I hope someday I forget about her and the hold she currently has over me. I used to be happier. Now I am depressed and a total killjoy to be around.

I am working on it day by day and slowly starting to obsess less over what she is doing and who she is with.

She is currently living her life as "normal" while mine has stopped.

[Naddred369]

Hi Earth Angel,

Yes, I beleive im conditioned now for recycling. Over our nearly 5 years together we have broken up so many times for short periods and one "final" time before my last recycle.

She broke contact last week ( didnt go too well for me)

But Im expecting her to show up at work or my home at some point in the future... .coz that is what she does and it scares me to death.

I Know I have a window of oppertunity to get strong and get my life in order before she rocks up.

This time she wont be let back in, I want to die an old man content with his life, not a lonely emotional ruin who died before his time.

And if I got recycled again, I know that is what would be my fate.

Stay strong, WE are better people than they will ever be!

[Pretty Woman]

We are the only thing consistent aren't we?



Thanks for the feedback. How many times would you say she left in those five years?

I work with my ex's sister and she said she has never seen such a rollercoaster ever (but her sister lived out of state and probably didn't share much)!

[Naddred369]

 I actually think I left her more often than not due to her poor behaviour, the abuse, her obnoxious attitude.

I am a needy person BUT I am madly in love with this woman, I cant change how I feel.If I wasnt in love with who I thought she was then I wouldnt be in this pain.

I used to leave coz I knew her behaviour to be fundamentally wrong and dangerous to me,but I thought I could change/help her to improve.I thought love would win the day.

I didnt know about BPD at the time but i found out when she cheated last time and she definately has it.

There is no fixing it. Just getting as far away as you can and healing as best you can as quickly as you can before they come back!

[Pretty Woman]

Thank you, Naddred,

   Even though she blocked me this time (which she hasn't before) I know given the pattern of return she could easily show back up. I need to heal and get better. Did you change your contact info so she couldn't reach you?

[Naddred369]

Yes, I had to.

I changed phone number. She blocked me on FB but id removed all message optiopns.

She had mutual friends giving me messages from her regards "stuff" id left behind so I had to be firm with them too and they appologised to me, whereby she then blocked them on FB!

But the comunication got very subtle, she would block and unblock me on FB and put pics on that only I would understand the relevance.

One day FB opened up the message bar to everyone ( i had removed mine) that day I received my first real communication from her in months, she'd been waiting to pounce for ages!

Well, I loved her and missed her and went back and got really hurt this time! ( it does get worse each time, more cruel, more vicious)

This time im off FB completely ( i dont want to look at her,it hurts)

I will be changeing my phone number this weekend.

That leaves Royal Mail! but i reaslly dont think she would write to me, its not her style at all, it takes effort!

[Pretty Woman]

It does get worse everytime, doesn't it?

This last time I got a tattoo! WOW we have matching shamrock's on our shoulders. I am actually going to have mine lasered off over the Christmas holiday. A $80 tat costing me $500 to remove, however I hate going through life with a reminder of this... .and knowing someone out there has the same tattoo on them, someone who treated me this poorly.

I am a pale irish girl so I am sure it will be a scar but I would rather have a scar... .a battle wound of sorts, I guess!

I think each time we suffer more PTSD. We are so traumatized each round.

I almost gave her an engagement ring... .so glad I didn't. It is a beautiful ring and she would have kept it for sure! So glad I didn't! I am going to get it re-sized and wear it as a right hand ring.

[Naddred369]

I got two tattoos on my forearms, lyrics from afavourite song of mine that reminded me of her.

Its called Angel of Guile by Ricky Warwick. Cool bloke.

These tatts go from wrist to elbow in large letters. They are a statement.

Right arm: I deluded my self with trust.

Left arm: I betrayed myself with belief.

These are my war wounds, my battle scars. Hard won!

She cried when we got back together and she realized what they meant.What she had done.

Didnt stop her doing it again with my replacement mind you.

We dont know what the future holds Earth Angel, our perfect partners may just be waiting round the corner for us just as soon as we heal and find out what we want from life.

We deserve so much better than we have had recentlty, we really do, we stumped for second best coz we would take anything we were so damaged.

Start healing, get well, get strong and life will flow again, I beleive this.

Leave the shamrock, save your money, leave it as a memory,a lesdson learned.

[Pretty Woman]

Wow, your full arm, eh? That is 

Yeah, it's funny... .when I look at old emails from when we first met we were talking about this tat a month after meeting. It took us a full year to get it, after five breakups.

It's amazing how the idealization phase went... .the sexy texts and I love yous. Our texts were so nasty by the end. We would say love you but nothing sexy, not much flirting. She really hurt me. After each breakup I got more disinterested because I couldn't trust she wouldn't leave me. And here I am again. Left. One thing she mentioned is when any of her exes started a masters degree things would go downhill. I suspect because they were pre-occupied with studying and she was feeling abandoned.

I agree there is someone better for me (and you, my friend). I fear she will show up when I least expect it. Even though she has me cut off now, I wouldn't be surprised in the least. She is friends with all her exes and has gone back to them several times until she couldn't (they were in a relationship).

I am not a recbounder so I will prob be single when she comes around, hence why I am using this time wisely to heal.

[Naddred369]

It scares me that she will come and find me! really really does.

Coz i dont know if im strong enough to resist!She knows me too well, what to say and do, shes a terror!lol.

Last time she came to re engage me, I was actually dating a stunning lovely woman and my BPDexgf met me for a drink and she KNEW i was smittern for this other woman. Sad thing is, the other woman was a mess herself after her breakup and she couldnt see me again, so i let myself re engage.

just as an aside, the woman I was dating just text me and invited me to watch Placebo in 3 weeks time! yay me!

My heart would take me back to my ex right now, my head wont allow it. thats the battle.

What would you do earth angel?

[Naddred369]

Earth Angel,

Go on You Tube.

Find:

Apocolyptica :not strong enough.

that is how we are with our ex's I think.

This was actually our LOVE SONG during round 1

How sick were we?it really wasnt a healthy R/S

[Pretty Woman]

Well today I would take her back.

But I want to get to the point I would not. I have a lot of people interested in me, people who were around during the multiple breakups.

I should say this was my 1st lesbian relationship. What a doozy.

I thought maybe this is what a lesbian relationship is. I have been informed otherwise.

I am not one to jump out there and date. Before her I waited seven years... .I am 38. We talked kids and I am so glad I didn't do that. Could you imagine! Here I have a biological child and she has rights to it. What a mess that would be.

I will listen to the song when I get home. Thanks for sharing your story with me. I am sorry you are going through this too.   :'(

[Naddred369]

I really am 50/50 if she came back and begged to try again.

I have seen some positives to my life this weekend it really is better without her, without the arguing and pain and hurt and namecalling and drunken fights and guilt tripping. I still have friends.

I miss her touch but if she was here now I wouldnt let her touch me, my skin wouild crawl with distaste.

Mine wanted to get married, like 3 months in. I said i would in one years time!

I knew she would go back to her old ways (id read a little on BPD by this point!)Thank the gods I waited.

I tottally refused to have children with her, she isnt fit to care for a child of mine and i stuck to my guns on that one.

[Pretty Woman]

Mine was talking marriage almost immediately and kids.

By the end she just wanted a dog and told me when dumping me I needed to find a 25yo in boystown (a gay area of Chicago) but be careful about std's.

Who says that to someone?

[willtimeheal]

Earth angel

Holy ___.  Your story is pretty much my story. It's unreal!  Hang in there girl!  It gets better with time!

[Pretty Woman]

Well I got so desperate to save this relationship I started contacting psychics.

Yeah, psychics. Over the summer one who is VERY well known in the states said my ex was unreadable and I would never see her again. She showed up in a month on my doorstep.

One thing I noticed is after the last breakup my ex put my picture in the closet along with the first card I gave her. I never saw that picture out again even when we got back together for three months.

This time, a mutual friend told me it was in the trash along with all the love notes I left her. She still kept the card and she also has a box of my things it looked like she was going to mail but ended up keeping on her shelf (weird). Pajamas and a mosaic I made with her.

That is bazzar to me. I do think with object consistancy issues she is truly trying to erradicate me from her life. I could be wrong but this time seems different.

[willtimeheal]

They are so unpredictable so you never know. You just have to be prepared and have a plan for if and when they do come back. A plan for how you are going to handle it. I do have to say after a year of therapy and just focusing on me I am so much stronger and I will never allow anyone to treat me like that again. I still have sad days but I get through them.

[GreenMango]

Multiple recycles condition both parties.

For a person with BPD it let's them know this is the standard operating procedure.  Unacceptable behavior is acceptable. 

It's a huge lesson on personal boundaries and gauging your own willingness to let go, or if there are some mutual abandonment issues going on.

[Pretty Woman]

Mango,

  Is that a sugar glider (your pic)? I had one named Amelia (flying squirrel, ).

I do have serious rejection issues. I have not dated much and this was my first relationship (and first gay relationship) in seven years.

Things happened so quick... .the idealizing... .talking house, marriage, pets... .

but it never got there and I would get dumped.

Now there is a replacement and I have been painted the most vile human on the planet. I work with my ex's sister and she can't even make eye contact.

I know my ex has a history of unstable relationships. I know I am crazy to think I could have changed that... .I didn't know about BPD.

I just feel everyone thinks I have done these horrible things, even though they know her life story. It makes me physically ill.

[GreenMango]

I'm not sure if its a sugar glider or some kind of lemur.

These relationships can really bring out the worst in both people.  They tend to hit on every soft spot.

I'm guessing most people don't get close enough to see the really bad behavior.  This is hard because you want to defend yourself.  With time things usually come out in the wash.

[Ironmanrises]

I was just thinking about how "multiple recycles" in my relationship have conditioned me to expect her to come back again.

I didn't really think after mine left me the first time that she would return. She RAGED at me. I thought she was gone, forever. Even when I discovered this forum at the time, I still thought she was one of those "one and done". I was wrong. I was so ___ing wrong. She did come back. I took her back in after 3 months of NC. She discards me again months later. Instead of RAGING at me she was more cold/lethal/mean to me. Now its been 4+ months of NC, and I am expecting her to come back. I don't want to be naive about it and think like I did the first time, "Oh she is long gone", that kind of thinking backfired on me when she returned the last time. Now I have been conditioned to expect her to come back. It fits into the pattern that I have long witnessed even dating back to friendship with her when she would push me away with such ferocity as we got closer only to return at a later date, and so on.

[Pretty Woman]

Ironman,

   You've told me many times mine will return and I know I shot you down. Even if her methods are different (blocking me from everything) last week I made a mistake and emailed her.

While the emails from her to me were vicious... .we emailed back and forth for hours. I think my silence is going to provoke her to return.

That is my fear, yet continual contact will land me a restraining order knowing her so I am just keeping quiet and taking things as they come.

[Pretty Woman]

GM,

   I truly believe that. My ex has one close friend and that woman has a ton of issues... .the rest are exes she texts or calls to talk about her "current" person to.

I am sure people begin to see things because everything follows a pattern with her.