Bpd mom

[Seatomountains]

Hi,
Jumping into this after years of trying to make it work with my mom, getting disappointed, mad, stopping communication then feeling like a bad child and allowing her back in.  The most recent issue was that she was scheduled tp visit and see her grandkids in over 2 years.  Then, i didn't call her on her birthday.  Silence for a month until the weekend she had been scheduled to visit.   Suddenly messages and how much it hurt her, why dont I love her, how I never do anything for her but I do for my in laws. Then came all the years of ways I hurt in the past, all my wrongs, how I love my inlaws more.  Then the threats and guilt.  Then after weeks of silence again a "medical emergency" to remind me where the will is. Then back to anger and now guilt.  I cannot keep doing it and want to end it but I also long for that mother daughter Relationship i see with my friends and their moms.  How do i just stop?

[Methuen]

I can hear your pain and frustration.

If only we had a magic wand to make it stop.

The only thing we can control is our reactions.  We can’t change their illness.  We can only change ourselves.

How?  Many strategies.  This forum helps.  Therapy helps.  Individuation helps.  Radical Acceptance.  And self care - looking after yourself and having your own life.  And trying to let go of the guilt.  

It’s a process, and we all have our ups and downs.  

Have you heard of Stop Walking on Eggshells?  It’s an easy to read book that a lot of us start with.  Every page has a light bulb moment - it’s just very validating.

I really just want to say welcome, and offer my support.

[Riv3rW0lf]

Hi SeatoMountains,

Joining Methuen here in welcoming your to the forum. .

Yes, having a BPD parent in our life truly feels like being on an emotional roller coaster.

I understand the longing for the "normal" relationship other people seems to have with their parent. This is where radical acceptance come in... It will never be possible, and it hurts, and this is why we have to parent ourselves and grieve the mother or grandmother we will never have for our children. Else, the hopeful part of us seems to keep pushing us back into the relationship with our BPD parent, when what we need is our emotional guard up at all time.

Welcome again to the forum, I hope it gives you the much needed validation we all starved for growing up with a BPD parent to know you are not alone in this

[zachira]

Having a BPD mom is  a life long loss. So much of our core sense of self is founded on having a loving connected relationship with parents, especially our mothers. My BPD mother is dead and I will wish until the end of my life that I had had a mother who knew how to give me unconditional love instead of having a mother who was always on an emotional roller coaster expecting others to take care of her overwhelming emotions so she did not have to deal with them. From my experience, the most important thing you can do is to recognize that your mother is dumping emotions on to you she can't handle and you have got to stop being a sponge for her emotions to feel better. It goes something like this. BPD mom is feeling upset. She looks for her nearest target, often a close family member especially a child, and once the child feels upset, mom feels better because she has found someone else to feel how upset she is for her. It takes lots of practice and time to respond more to how you are feeling inside and not to take on what your mother is feeling. We are here to listen and help you in any ways we can. Do read other members' threads, as so many members have similar experiences to yours with their BPD mom. It does get better. Reach out as often as you feel the need to. We are all a work in progress here and we learn from each other.

[IsThisRealLife?]

Hi Seatomountains,
Your story sounds exactly like my mother. She is endlessly comparing how much time I spend with my in-laws versus how much time I spend with “our family.” I’ve tried to explain that my husband’s family is my family too now, but she never wants to hear it. To make it easier for myself, I rarely tell her about the time I spend with my in-laws. The less she knows, the easier it is for me! I have now come to accept what works in the relationship—I call her about once a week (because she will never call me). We chat about simple things, and that’s about it. It makes me feel better than I have reached out. However it might work differently for you. This disease really asks us to determine the next steps in the relationship. The BPD person is not going to make the mature decision.
I hope this forum is helpful to you. I know it was for me, as was the book!

[zanyapple]

From my experience, the most important thing you can do is to recognize that your mother is dumping emotions on to you she can't handle and you have got to stop being a sponge for her emotions to feel better. It goes something like this. BPD mom is feeling upset. She looks for her nearest target, often a close family member especially a child, and once the child feels upset, mom feels better because she has found someone else to feel how upset she is for her. It takes lots of practice and time to respond more to how you are feeling inside and not to take on what your mother is feeling. We are here to listen and help you in any ways we can. Do read other members' threads, as so many members have similar experiences to yours with their BPD mom. It does get better. Reach out as often as you feel the need to. We are all a work in progress here and we learn from each other.

How do you draw the line between someone just venting/sharing vs dumping their emotions?

[Riv3rW0lf]

How do you draw the line between someone just venting/sharing vs dumping their emotions?

I think this is something you feel...

If while they talk you start feeling bad and uncomfortable, they are dumping. If they are venting/sharing, you won't feel bad, because they are still owning their responsibility and power...

I have a friend with whom we vent... It always ends with us laughing about it, recognizing what we do and what we could do different while providing support for one another. We don't save each other. We listen to one another and we both leave our meeting with more strength to face our challenges. We talk each other up, you know? 

With another friend... Well I barely call her anymore because I always feel icky after listening to her... It feels more judgmental. She once was overly critical of my H, and I didn't defend him, and I should have. She had no place to say what she was saying, and this is a pattern for her. And it is a pattern of mine to not defend him, something I want to change. I should stand by him, and I shouldn't tolerate her dumping her own marital problems on my relationship with my H... Because this is what is happening. She cheated on her H, and she isn't unhappy in her marriage, yet instead of talking about herself and how she could make things better, she judges my marriage... It's projection and dumping under the guise of "caring for me". She wants me to talk badly about my mariage so that she can feel better. The problem is : I love my H. So I just end up feeling icky and bad... This is dumping. I have to work on boundaries for this friendship particularly... There is a lead to the discussion that I don't necessarily see. She doesn't respond well to my successes for example. She wants me to talk about what is going wrong for me?

With the first friend : we prop each other up. If she succeeds, I am genuinely happy for her, and her for me. We keep telling each other to keep going, that we will make it, you know? This friendship brings up the best in me, while the other one seems to bring the worst out.