Need advice on gf's first therapy session

[Love Is Not Enough]

A little background information. My uBPDgf physically attacked me several weeks ago and I made a very firm boundary that if it ever happened again that we were finished. I also used the incident as a way to get her to see that she could use some help dealing with her emotions. I have never told her about BPD specifically, although I do use certain terminology and have mentioned DBT to her before. She has some self awareness about what is going with her and I do believe her when she says she does not want to act out the way she did. She has improved a great deal on her own in the last year, but I think she could benefit from DBT. I did demand in return for me moving back in with her that she enter into therapy. I am aware that this could be a mistake, but at the time I did not see any other choice.

Since she has no idea about BPD, I also located a LPC that has experience with DBT. I could not find anyone locally and this person was the closet at almost an hour away. I do understand what I did is not the best and could be viewed as codependent, but once again I didn't feel like I had any other options. She has gone to "regular" counseling before and the "opening of old wounds" was too stressful for her. I asked her to call the T and tell her she was interested in doing DBT and I left it at that. It took her about a week, but she got in contact with the woman and set up an appointment that is about a week from now. The T was a little confused as to how she got her information. My gf told her that her bf found her information online and recommenced her. The T asked her several questions about impulsivity and self harm, of which my gf is aware. So the T said she was a good candidate for DBT and agreed to meet with her to discuss it further. I can only assume the T understands I am aware of BPD and my gf is not. I have been fighting my own impulses to contact the T to provide her background information or to find out if she generally tells her patients about BPD. I am afraid, of course, that a diagnosis will send my gf off into a defensive rage. I am on the fence right now about how she would react to a diagnosis. She might be ok with it now if framed properly. I am also wanting to hand this off to my gf and see what she does with it from here. My gf has asked me a little bit about DBT and if the T has a website. I told her that DBT can teach her skills to deal with her emotions and that the purpose of this therapy is to not "open old wounds". I also told her the T has a website and for her to search it up. I'm not sure if she ever did. The site talks about out of control emotions but never mentions BPD. I am also keeping my expectations to a minimum and not getting overly excited about all of it. I know there is a very long road ahead. Even if she stays with it.

I am looking for some guidance from people who have been able to get their pwBPD into therapy. I understand the way in which this all came about is probably not the best of situations, but it was the best I could do. So my question is... .Do I do anything else to prepare her for therapy? Should I bring up or talk about anything prior? Do you think this will all blow up in my face if she reacts badly to a "diagnosis"? Do I just not say anything and wait for her to come to me after the appointment?

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[Joseph54]

Hi,

I read your post and think you have done very well so far.

My wife is just starting to want to change due to an incident which took place a few weeks ago. I told her I had enough, could not do it any more and needed to get out for both myself and my sons well being.

This strong boundary is something both you and I used to get our partners to take a look at themselves which is a victory in my books.

When she realized I was serious about leaving her and needed to help myself, she asked me what I think is wrong with her and I said she may have BPD. She asked me more about BPD. I never said she was BPD but that I was getting a lot of help from BPD family. When she asked I then directed her to self testing for BPD. I showed her a video of high functioning BPD's which helped me to understand how it was for those going through BPD. We talked about symptoms and I then directed her to sites which listed BPD symptoms which she read.

She has known for a year that I have been on BPD family to get support as I told her when it was appropriate to do so at that time.

She looked at various information on BPD, testing and symptoms a year ago and at that time she said that she did not have the symptoms. Now she is able to confess that she knew she was BPD when I first casually introduced it to her a year ago.

You can bring a horse to water but you can't make them drink. They will only drink when they are ready to do so.

So with that being said, your wife has moved in a great direction by going for therapy that helps those with BPD.

You will know when she is ready to learn about BPD, she will ask.

All we can do is stay strong and not get weakened by their disorder.

We need to be patient as everthing has a time in our lives.

Joe

 

[.auto86]

I am a BPD sufferer, my husband pushed me into therapy aswell. I know that my husband contacted my T to inform her of our problems he wasnt aware of BPD. The best thing he did was set boundries, giving me the option of Im leaving or you seek help. I HATE the idea of abandonment, and being alone, and something clicked in my head that normally all my other boyfriends left me but this one wants to stay, and I love him beyond belief so any thought of loosing him is devistating.

T was the hardest thing in the world for me, I became antisocial, distant, and almost locked inside my head. Somedays I even forgot how to come back home and ended up in mountain villages. Somedays I would come home and tell my husband that she was the best therapist in the world and other days I would come back saying she is the worst and a waste of my time, my husband would then tell me to call her and tell her I wasnt going back. I obviously couldnt do it and continued my sessions. We did some sessions together, and even some sessions with me sitting outside of the room while he was inside talking to my T... .The T will had her own method of presenting my diagnoses to me, it felt as though I had arrived at the conclusion myself... .She then gave me a chart of CBT it was my home work to write all and any problems down on this chart fitting things into boxes. This started training me to start thinking about my emotions and behaviours, I then had to return it to her every session. I also had to keep a diary of my thoughts about problems and bring that in to her aswell.

Then came what for me was and still is the hardest part... .expressing myself. Im still stuck on this, I had to tell friends, collegues, my husband when they have done something to upset me at the exact moment it happened instead of retreating into myself like I normaly do. I also had and have to learn to apologise without making excuses or making other circumstances responsible for my faults. This is proving to be tedious and impossible at times.

My husband has learned the cycle of our arguments, the best thing that seems to be working is telling me to leave him alone, think about what I have done and we will talk again in 2 or 3 days. In theory I should still continue with sessions but i dont have the funds anymore... .Sometimes I feel i should be locked away so that I cant hurt others, its frustrating when I have the same problems again. It never fully goes away but I have become more aware of my problem and more interested in finding solutions. Have patience and stay strong love makes us want to be better people. GOOD LUCK

[.auto86]

I am a BPD sufferer, my husband pushed me into therapy aswell. I know that my husband contacted my T to inform her of our problems he wasnt aware of BPD. The best thing he did was set boundries, giving me the option of Im leaving or you seek help. I HATE the idea of abandonment, and being alone, and something clicked in my head that normally all my other boyfriends left me but this one wants to stay, and I love him beyond belief so any thought of loosing him is devistating.

T was the hardest thing in the world for me, I became antisocial, distant, and almost locked inside my head. Somedays I even forgot how to come back home and ended up in mountain villages. Somedays I would come home and tell my husband that she was the best therapist in the world and other days I would come back saying she is the worst and a waste of my time, my husband would then tell me to call her and tell her I wasnt going back. I obviously couldnt do it and continued my sessions. We did some sessions together, and even some sessions with me sitting outside of the room while he was inside talking to my T... .The T will had her own method of presenting my diagnoses to me, it felt as though I had arrived at the conclusion myself... .She then gave me a chart of CBT it was my home work to write all and any problems down on this chart fitting things into boxes. This started training me to start thinking about my emotions and behaviours, I then had to return it to her every session. I also had to keep a diary of my thoughts about problems and bring that in to her aswell.

Then came what for me was and still is the hardest part... .expressing myself. Im still stuck on this, I had to tell friends, collegues, my husband when they have done something to upset me at the exact moment it happened instead of retreating into myself like I normaly do. I also had and have to learn to apologise without making excuses or making other circumstances responsible for my faults. This is proving to be tedious and impossible at times.

My husband has learned the cycle of our arguments, the best thing that seems to be working is telling me to leave him alone, think about what I have done and we will talk again in 2 or 3 days. In theory I should still continue with sessions but i dont have the funds anymore... .Sometimes I feel i should be locked away so that I cant hurt others, its frustrating when I have the same problems again. It never fully goes away but I have become more aware of my problem and more interested in finding solutions. Have patience and stay strong love makes us want to be better people. GOOD LUCK

www.getselfhelp.co.uk/docs/STOPP5.pdf this is a link of what my CBT sheet looked like

[Love Is Not Enough]

Joe, thank you for your words of encouragement. I agree and I feel I have been patient so far. It is great that you have been able to be so open with your wife. I wish my gf would not always see everything as a threat. Especially when people who love her are trying to help her. I will just go with the flow when she returns from her first session. I will do the best I can and answer whatever questions she has. Although I have been wondering if she will get angry at me for being aware of this for the last two years without telling her.

Thank you auto86 for the chart. I have used a CBT chart similar to it and it has helped me in the past work through some things. It really is great that you are so self-aware. I really believe that you can use that to your advantage. It is unfortunate that helping ourselves get better can be so expensive and is rarely covered by insurance. I have been reading a book to learn more about DBT with the hopes of giving it to my gf one day. I have found it to be helpful for myself and have done some of the exercises. It's called The DBT Skills Workbook and you may find it helpful. Especially if you are no longer able to go to sessions. Either way just stay strong and keep trying. Never give up!