Do I warn the new boyfriend or just stay out of it and let it take it's course?

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

It's only been months since my wife and I split up and she's on her third boyfriend (subject of idealization). This one hurts me even more because I know this person, where he lives, what his house looks like on the inside... .uggggh.

He's been a single father for some time and looking for a partner and maybe even a "mother" for his teenage daughter. He was always by himself, sitting alone down at the town bar. He had the hots for her sister not too long ago. He's as desperate for a woman as I was before I met her 8 years ago.  I don't exactly hate him, but I'm not happy he's dating a woman still legally married to me. (Our divorce is still in the beginning stages). He reminds me of myself before I first met her, tired of being lonely and somewhat desperate. And he will try to rescue her as I did.

I have a strong inclination that this new romance between them won't last. She's using these relationships to escape the reality of our breakup, she's incapable it seems to be alone, even though she told me she wasn't going to see anybody for awhile. I would like to think that she's missing what we had together, that she's feeling some of the pain I am. And yet she puts on the "everything's great" face to all those around her. I would like to warn him. I don't want to see anyone else get heartbroken by her.

I guess I'm answering my own question here.  Her decisions and life are out of my control, and if I were to say anything to him or her, it would probably just make things worse for myself. The thought of her with him haunts me on a daily basis. It seems to get better and then I find myself purposefully imagining them together. I'm hoping that my obsession about them will pass because it's eating me up.

Does "no contact" and "letting go" translate into letting her continue down this path of dysfunction?  Has anyone out there gone ahead and made contact with the new boyfriend/girlfriend to "warn" them and how did it work out? Did it do any good for the situation, and most importantly did it do any good for you?

[Tincanmike]

It's only been months since my wife and I split up and she's on her third boyfriend (subject of idealization). This one hurts me even more because I know this person, where he lives, what his house looks like on the inside... .uggggh.

He's been a single father for some time and looking for a partner and maybe even a "mother" for his teenage daughter. He was always by himself, sitting alone down at the town bar. He had the hots for her sister not too long ago. He's as desperate for a woman as I was before I met her 8 years ago.  I don't exactly hate him, but I'm not happy he's dating a woman still legally married to me. (Our divorce is still in the beginning stages). He reminds me of myself before I first met her, tired of being lonely and somewhat desperate. And he will try to rescue her as I did.

I have a strong inclination that this new romance between them won't last. She's using these relationships to escape the reality of our breakup, she's incapable it seems to be alone, even though she told me she wasn't going to see anybody for awhile. I would like to think that she's missing what we had together, that she's feeling some of the pain I am. And yet she puts on the "everything's great" face to all those around her. I would like to warn him. I don't want to see anyone else get heartbroken by her.

I guess I'm answering my own question here.  Her decisions and life are out of my control, and if I were to say anything to him or her, it would probably just make things worse for myself. The thought of her with him haunts me on a daily basis. It seems to get better and then I find myself purposefully imagining them together. I'm hoping that my obsession about them will pass because it's eating me up.

Does "no contact" and "letting go" translate into letting her continue down this path of dysfunction?  Has anyone out there gone ahead and made contact with the new boyfriend/girlfriend to "warn" them and how did it work out? Did it do any good for the situation, and most importantly did it do any good for you?

[bruisedbattered]

I gave my replacement a note telling him to read up on BPD, and when times get hard(which they obviously will)  check out this website for support.  told him no hard feelings, wished him the best, and walked away.   What else is there to do?

[living in the past]

  Its not easy when my friend met a new friend i was going to warn her that he is going to fall in love with you, as far as the guy i would let him find out for himself, i try to live and let live.

[Perfidy]

I guess we all think about warning the new guy? Some actually do? Umm... Nobody warned me! She tried to herself though... I thought she was kidding at first. She wasn't. And besides... Maybe they actually have the chemistry to make it work.

[allweareisallweare]

I never bothered warning the new guy in my case, although I could have done, because, frankly, I wish as much chaos as possible on him; as far as I see it, and I've had four months to analyse it, he was idiotic enough to jump into a relationship after ten days when I and her were never dissolved formerly so the 10,000 volts of BPD would have probably struck long ago anyway. If he's that smart I say go and figure it out, but tbh he doesn't look it. 

In your case, sir, I honestly say let nature take its course, really I do, and let the person figure it out when BPD rears its ugly head.

[Tincanmike]

Excellent advice! It's good to know that I'm not the only person going through this.  I guess I'll just sit back and wait for her to scare this guy away.  It's really sad to watch her go through this revolving door. The cycles have become way to predictable.  And through the research I've been doing on BPD and the experiences of others on this site I've found myself more capable of seeing her patterns. She always has to mention the new boyfriend, post things about it on Facebook, and try and get some of her friends in on it too. "Look at me, I'm doing great, life is grand, I've finally found someone who adores me and puts me on a pedestal".  The feelings of "being in love" and in the fresh stages of a new relationship are just too alluring to her to take a break and look inward.  I think she's afraid of what she'd find out about herself and the steps that would be needed to help herself.  So when this latest fling ends... .on to someone else I'm sure.  Who knows, this guy might just work out, but I have my doubts.  Live and let live indeed! Sincere wishes of serenity to us all.

[Learning_curve74]

I'm convinced one of the worst things we can do to people is to shield them from the natural consequences of their actions and supportive then off the lessons they might learn from that.

Also put yourself into his shoes. Wouldn't you just come off as the jealous stbx-husband just trying to be controlling and/or manipulative?

[Tincanmike]

Thanks Learning Curve for helping me with a little clarity in the midst of this confused mess of emotions. It would appear to them that I am meddling in their affairs for my own reasons if I were to approach him. And it would probably enrage her, the last thing I want.  No contact means no contact means no contact... .