We need wisdom here

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

Please  anyone with success story to put hope within ourselves!

[necchi]

Please  anyone with success story to put hope within ourselves!

[santa]

You've already won. They're stuck with themselves forever. Don't let anything they ever do bother you and you can't lose.

[necchi]

Well That i told myself many times, i need to see (read)  solid facts. Hopefully i don't get any since they have just left this board in happiness... .

[TakingWingAtLast]

Marinro,

I am less than 3 weeks from being thrown out of my new home with expwBPD with whom I was with for 8 years, yet I am still successful.  Even though I am suffering immensely, I am still able to detach with limited contact (LC), choosing my communication responses carefully.   While I am yet in pain, I have chosen to be above the petty and hurtful photos of my loss, reengaging texts and emails.  

I've only begun the process of healing, but I can see a light at the end of the tunnel.  

It's a process, my friend, that will take some real time.  Lots of grief ahead along with anger and denial and real growth.  Yet, I have already taken those first steps.   Even now, I can see with some empathy the hell that the expwBPD is experiencing.   And be forgiving even as I mourn.    

Two weeks of sleeplessness and emotional clouding.  Now, I'm at least getting back to sleep even when I wake up in a panic induced anxiety.  Already, the PTSD subsides.

Marinro, I hope this helps from someone who is just starting down the path towards freedom and health away from the pwBPD.  Shall we journey together?

Yours,

D

[waitaminute]

There is hope. I've been NC for 6 months. Life is improving.

[necchi]

Dépend,waitaminut,. Thank for the support,I'm going through the fifth months of n/c, even though been there before but now I've givin myself to much time to think and relate things on this relation it seem to go well then worst ... .than ... .

[TakingWingAtLast]

Marinro,

Try that again, please.   What do you mean at the end of this?   I didn't understand.

D

Dépend,waitaminut,. Thank for the support,I'm going through the fifth months of n/c, even though been there before but now I've givin myself to much time to think and relate things on this relation it seem to go well then worst ... .than ... .

[RecycledNoMore]

I no longer wake up wanting to cry, that is a success for me, and it will be followed by many more, remember the little moments:)

[necchi]

Dependerg... .EI: i have started to rationalized the past and i have been confronted to what it was and what i didn't let myself believe... .witch was obvious, i knew but kept forgetting! Any of you did this for a lapse of time, lets say a few weeks than you would become more distant, less understandable, more anxious... .in a recycle because you would ruminate the obvious?

[TakingWingAtLast]

recycledNOmore,

Exactly my point!   Each of us has to see even the tiniest of progress as being successful!  Waking up not wanting to cry IS a great success!  Well done!

And you're right.  It will be followed by many more!

D

[necchi]

Yep but she is still the first thing that comes to mind when i wake up... .and she doesn't deserve so much attention from my part !lol

[TakingWingAtLast]

Marinro,

Of course I've done that!   That's the essence of the recycling.  The rumination about the obvious keeps YOU engaged with the pwBPD!   Before I got on here, I didn't realize that my ruminations and behaviors were just as responsible as the pwBPD's behaviors for reengaging.   And you didn't forget... .you were in a common place for all of us-denial!   You didn't want to believe, so you went into one of the grieving phases called denial.   And you're going to also be depressed and angry as well.   Until you finally come to acceptance.   There is no order to these phases, they just happen.  You might even find some acceptance at some point, then go back to anger.    It takes real time to grieve.   Something the pwBPD may have problems doing themselves.  You are healthier than they, so go through this process and come to acceptance and then you'll be free!

Stay strong marinro!  We are here with you!

D

Dependerg... .EI: i have started to rationalized the past and i have been confronted to what it was and what i didn't let myself believe... .witch was obvious, i knew but kept forgetting! Any of you did this for a lapse of time, lets say a few weeks than you would become more distant, less understandable, more anxious... .in a recycle because you would ruminate the obvious?

[necchi]

Thank, i did think a few weeks ago that I've come to acceptance but went back a step back, hell, i was doing fine for 2 months after th b/u n/c ... .go figure?

[TakingWingAtLast]

I'm working as hard as I can to work towards acceptance.  But I wouldn't be all that surprised if I didn't make a lot of mistakes along the way.   You've hit on something important, though, and that is that the grieving process isn't as simple as going through some "steps."  No, it's back and forth through all the parts including acceptance.  It's quite normal to go back out of acceptance and into anger or depression.  Then soon get back to acceptance for good.   

D

Thank, i did think a few weeks ago that I've come to acceptance but went back a step back, hell, i was doing fine for 2 months after th b/u n/c ... .go figure?

[damage control]

THe steps aren't consecutive ... they are winding, and sometimes circular.

last weekend, I was at rock bottom again, got better over Mon, Tues, Wed ... even after spending time with him Wed night for a few hours, I felt empowered and good ... all day Thursday at work ... fine! ... Thursday night, first appointment with my T and it took about 20 seconds for me to collapse into a flood of tears and this morning, everything was raw again.

It's been 4.5 weeks and I agonise that I won't make it through the months required ... I want someone to hold during the night NOW. I don't want to wait ... but, hopefully, that feeling will pass ... and the next time I fall down, it won't be so hard or so debilitating ... .

It's the shock of the ending that does it - for many of us here, it was coupled with betrayal and blindsiding ... that is the legacy we are left with and making sense of that? Probably never truly happen so we have to content ourselves with making peace with it instead.

Good luck

[peacebaby]

I've been separated from my partner for two weeks as of tomorrow and I've been feeling really good. I feel free and proud of myself for getting out. Simply not living with an angry, blaming, violent person has made me extremely happy. Every moment is a joy to be appreciated--I got out of a really bad relationship with someone I still love, and that's one of the hardest things in the world.

I do feel sad at finally giving up on the 12 year dream that we'd be happy together forever, but it's just not what was happening at all. One thing we're both doing is, when we start to miss the family we made together, we picture a horrible scene of her attacking me instead, and it works wonders to stop the idealization and yearning.

I felt for a long time that I was enduring abuse because I didn't want to give up the good times and cuddling. But my god, a king size pillow and two cats and no one literally kicking me out of bed, is way better than the cuddling.

There are still all kinds of dreams we had together that may still, some day, come true. But right now I'm focusing on making my home the way *I* want it, doing everything without her in the equation, and it's great.

Hope that's helpful... .

[Pearl55]

I will be moving out on Sunday and will be separated from my son. I feel very sick.

[goldylamont]

i just wanted to commend everyone commenting as i feel you are all giving great support during very difficult times. it sounds like the majority still have pretty fresh wounds from the breakup (and yes i consider even several months of NC as still being fresh).

the healing is cyclical, and feels unpredictable. over time i would notice myself getting depressed, sometimes needing a 3 day weekend of comfort food and Netflix to allow myself to process many times it would take me a day or so to actually become *aware* that this is what was happening. in fact i believe that although these cycles will occur over and over, that the greatest aspect of my healing was becoming aware that i was starting, or in, or ending a cycle. so i could forgive myself for my emotions, and receive the wisdom they were trying to give me:

my anger: kept my boundaries strong. told me not to drink anymore of her emotional poison because this was hurting me. put a protective shell around my bruised ego, which masks itself as self-important. ah, but the male ego is so fragile (guys, women know this intrinsically by the way  )

my sadness and depression: told me that i needed to slow down. actually slowed me down physically and mentally to a crawl sometimes. what did i need to let go of? the good feelings, the idea of what could have been--sadness did it's job. slowed me down and allowed me to let go of these ideals which were *hurting* me b/c they weren't *true*.

so, just know that the dark emotions you are experiencing now are normal and necessary actually to move you towards complete healing.

here's something to try:

Zoom out technique: Sit with yourself quietly when you are feeling bad. Then imagine your awareness rising above your body and look down on yourself. Then zoom out and rise up around 30 feet or so and see yourself; when this image is clear, go higher--100ft, then 1000ft where you can see the land and oceans around where you are at. If you can go out into space, keeping your focus, then outside of our solar system, keeping focus on the pinpoint of the earth where you are at.

^^ What this does: "zooming out" like this allows you to see the issues you have as less important. Once you see the grand beauty and the vastness of everything, our own personal problems seem less important, so it helps us to let go. Imagine the problems of billions of people, over tens of thousands of years and countless stretches of land and water. Our own issues become smaller once we are aware of the vastness of everything. Takes about 5 min of focus--repeat 18,000 times!