Sister with BPD.

[NowhereFast]

Hello, all.

I'm not sure where to start. My older sister has recently (finally!) been diagnosed as having BPD. She was diagnosed as bipolar several years ago, but I began to suspect 2-3 years ago that she had BPD. She has put everyone in her family through Hell over the past year, and her well-meaning husband just seems to be enabling her bad behavior. I know he wants her to get better, but his first priority seems to be not rocking the boat, which means he doesn't confront her or insist that she get the help she needs. The person I fear for the most is my niece, who is not being protected and supported in the way she needs to be.

She took an overdose of pills last fall, which landed her in the ICU and then the psych ward for evaluation. She was discharged after less than two weeks in the hospital, and despite my pleas to her and my BIL about her after care plan, nothing seemed to change. I have very little confidence in her mental health "team."  The focus seems to be primarily in finding the right med cocktail and little else.  Her talk therapist seemed to think that increasing her sessions to once a week, post suicide attempt, would be sufficient. I talked to my sister about the need to go to therapy more often and even suggested (many times) that she consider participating in DBT classes in her area. I sent her information on several DBT groups and therapists in her area, but nothing was ever done (this was back when she was still being consider bipolar, but I was sure DBT would be able to help her if she took it seriously and did the work).

Three months after her suicide attempt, she decided to run away. My BIL came home to find her missing, along with her passport and their entire savings account. She finally returned home after a week, after a lengthy phone conversation with my BIL, where he informed her she could return home, but that things were going to change, she was going to have to take her treatment and therapy more seriously, etc.  That was six months ago, and very little seems to have changed at all.

One by one, she has taken it upon herself to cut family members out of her life, myself included. She sent me a barrage of nasty text messages a few months ago, accusing me of being selfish and unsupportive, saying I was making everything about me like I always do (classic projection, I know), and saying I could go f myself. The only person she keeps in contact with from my side of the family is my father, the one person who wasn't there for us at all when we were growing up and who has absolutely no idea how to handle this. He doesn't even know what it means to have BPD, nor has he taken the time to bother to find out. When I have tried to talk to him to ask about my sister or to try to give him a sense of what her BPD diagnosis means, he rudely and abruptly cuts me off, exclaiming "We're done talking about this!"  He's never been comfortable discussing unpleasant topics--he would much rather stick to safe, small talk topics and stick his head in the sand about everything else.  

Meanwhile, the only news we get is a boilerplate update from my BIL (who sends it from his work email so my sister won't see it and know he's been in touch with my mother), telling us they're taking it "day to day" and hoping that her doctors can find the right combination of meds to make her better. It's clear he is tiptoeing around her and forcing their daughter to do the same, because everyone is so concerned about setting off my sister's numerous "triggers." The latest update informed us that she is at last taking DBT classes (it only took them a year to get on that).

To be honest (and I feel guilty saying this) the primary emotion I felt when my sister told me I wasn't to contact her or anyone in her family was RELIEF!  I love her, and I want her to get the help she needs, but her constant drama and histrionics are emotionally draining (and after 40 years of it, I've had enough). And I have been going through a lengthy, very nasty custody battle and divorce myself, so it's not like i don't have problems of my own to contend with.m But I am so worried about my niece. I can't even imagine the Hell she's been out through this past year, and everyone is so concerned with my sister's needs and demands that nobody is doing what's needed for the innocent ten year-old girl who is caught in the crossfire. After her mother's suicide attempt, I begged for my BIL to let my niece come and stay with me for a while, just to have a break and get some distance from the never-ending drama at home. He insisted that she was better off staying home.

I get that my sister isn't ready to face her demons and finds it easier to blame my mother and me for her problems. If she doesn't want us in her life right now, so be it. But my niece needs to know now more than ever that she has the love and support of her family during this difficult time, and her mother is keeping her from that (while her father just goes along with it, saying we need to "respect her wishes".  My own son was hoping that he would be able to see his cousin this summer when we travel to visit my mother, and it breaks my heart to tell him that she probably won't be there. They haven't seen each other in seven years (largely my sister's doing).

At this point, I'm not even sure what I would say to her or if I would be willing to forgive her if my sister were to call me tomorrow and say she was sorry for what she said to me. I understand enough about BPD to know why she has "split" and cut out the family members who were the ones who were always there for her, but that doesn't make it any less painful or hurtful.

Thanks for reading/listening.

[heartandwhole]

 

Hi NowhereFast,

Welcome to BPD family!  I'm sorry to hear about your troubles with your sister. That behavior is painful and hurtful.  And I think it's very understandable that you would want to protect your niece, I know I would want to do the same.  You have come to the right place for support and understanding.  We have members here who have been in similar situations, and lots of tools to help.

What kind of support system do you have?  You are going through a lot right now.  Do you have supportive friends or a therapist, or other family members?

This is difficult stuff, especially when you are cut off and standing on the sidelines.  I hope you are taking good care of yourself.  Here is a resource that may help at the moment: Radical Acceptance for family members

Please keep writing, and let us know how we can support you.  We care. 

heartandwhole

[NowhereFast]

Thanks for the support and links.

My family isn't much help, but I do have supportive, understanding friends and a wonderful therapist who I see for my own ongoing depression. I think that is what I fear for the most for my young niece. I was the youngest member of our household with an uBipolar or uBPD mother and my sister. In the midst of their constant emotional outbursts and irrational screaming, I found myself as a young child in the role of referee/caretaker/voice of reason, but being placed in that role at such a young age taught me to bury my own sadness and negative emotions and not acknowledge them. I think I didn't want to add to the insanity that existed around me. But between that and other trauma that I suffered in my formative years, I have struggled with ongoing depression for most of my adult life. And I fear that this is the same future that awaits my niece if something doesn't drastically change, and soon. I can see it in her personality--fearful of doing or saying anything to "set off" her mother, desperately trying to please and smooth over difficult situations, and being placed in the role of caretaker/adult when she is just a child. I worry that the environment she is in now is not taking her emotional needs into consideration, and that like me, she is just learning to bury her negative emotions. I wish my BIL could find the courage to face my sister and tell her, "Look, I get that you're not ready to have contact with your mom and sister right now, and nobody is forcing you to do so.  But this has all been very difficult for our daughter, and I don't think that she should be cut off from the love and support of her extended family when she needs that the most right now." I can't see that happening anytime soon, though. I love him deadly, and I do not envy what he is going through right now, but I am also very angry with him and his allowing my sister to emotionally abuse and blackmail everyone around her. I know from first hand experience how difficult it is to grow up in a household where you feel like there is no room for you and your needs.

[NowhereFast]

Oops!  That should be "dearly," not "deadly."

[Fatigued]

NowwhereFast --

So many things in your story resonate with me.  I, too, have a BPD sister, and we (BPD sister, other sister and me) grew up in a radically dysfunctional family.  After fifty some years of being labelled schizo-affective bipolar, BPD sister was finally diagnosed as BPD.  At least that piece of the puzzle fell in place.  Having a sensible diagnosis, though, as you know, is not the end of the story.

I am concerned about you -- and hope that you are really taking time for yourself while the storm is circulating around you. Experience tells me that is very important. I think, reading between the lines, that you know you can't "fix it".  That must come from your BPD sister. 

Please try not to be ashamed of feeling relief -- it is exhausting to interact with a BPD sister, and I've come to accept that feeling relief during a hiatus is normal, and healthy.  We all need to have time for our own lives, and at the moment, it sounds like you have a fair amount to deal with outside of the heartache and worry brought on by your BPD sister and the situation that your niece is in as well.  You are not powerless in all this, although at times it may seem like you may be.  You need to be sure to look after you, and I think you may find that as you look after yourself, you will be in a better position to help your affected loved ones.

I am glad you found this forum -- I have learned here that I am not alone. And that has been a big help.  I hope you will find it a help as well.

Fatigued

[NowhereFast]

Fatigued,

I just now saw your reply, so I apologize for not responding sooner. Thank you for the kind words and empathy. While you hate to know that others are struggling with the same issues in their families, there is comfort in knowing that there are people who know what you're going through.

[NowhereFast]

On top of everything else that was already going on, my father passed away unexpectedly last week.  I just returned home from attending his services, and I don't know that I even have the mental energy to describe what a horrific scene it was. My BPD sister refused to speak to me or acknowledge me in any way while I was there, and before I had made the trip down, she had sent me hate text after hate text telling me how "completely f'd in the head" I was, telling me that I shouldn't bring my son because he didn't even know his grandfather (not true at all), and she was ranting and raving about me to the entire family when I wasn't around.

The situation with my father was admittedly complicated, largely because of tensions and disagreements regarding my sister. As I mentioned earlier, I felt as though my father and brother in-law were not handling the situation with my sister the way it needed to be handled, but when I tried to put in my two cents, my father didn't want to discuss it. My father and I were on speaking terms, but conversations in recent years were extremely tense, largely because he didn't want to fully acknowledge just how messed up my sister was and how she wasn't getting the help she really needed. I loved my dad, and I will miss him terribly, but I refuse to feel guilty that our relationship wasn't perfect when he died. I said things that needed to be said, and I don't regret having confronted him about these issues.

I am just so fearful about "the aftermath" when my sister and her family return home, particularly what my niece will be exposed to in the wake of her mother's wrath.

Despite my sister's attempts to blacklist me to the rest of the family, my father's siblings and my cousins rallied around me to let me know I was loved, supported, and welcomed. That meant the world to me, and I will forever be grateful to them for that. But I feel as though I didn't have the opportunity to properly remember my father and mourn his passing with all of the other unnecessary drama overshadowing everything. I just feel numb and used up right now.

Thanks again for "listening," all. I just felt the need to put this out there to others who might have experienced the same kind of thing with a sibling or other relative.

[enough abuse]

I am so sorry for what you are going through.  As I read how you describe your sister I felt your were talking about my sister.  I dread the day my mother passes because I totally expect the situation you described.  It is soo hard.  Please hand in there and I am so happy you have the love and support of other relatives.  Nothing can make the pain of the nasty horrible comments better.  My sister and I have been NC for 9month and a few weeks ago she started blowing my phone up with texts... .I did not respond because there was no use... .all it would have been was a never ending argument going nowhere.  finally I blocked her from my phone... .best thing I did... .is that an option for you. 

Prayers for you and take care of yourself

Totally have nieces and a nephew I feel the same way about as you do about your niece.  I pray to that when they are adults they remember I am not all the things their mother has said about me and that I can have a relationship with them as well.

[NowhereFast]

I am so sorry for what you are going through.  As I read how you describe your sister I felt your were talking about my sister.  I dread the day my mother passes because I totally expect the situation you described.  It is soo hard.  Please hand in there and I am so happy you have the love and support of other relatives.  Nothing can make the pain of the nasty horrible comments better.  My sister and I have been NC for 9month and a few weeks ago she started blowing my phone up with texts... .I did not respond because there was no use... .all it would have been was a never ending argument going nowhere.  finally I blocked her from my phone... .best thing I did... .is that an option for you. 

Prayers for you and take care of yourself

Totally have nieces and a nephew I feel the same way about as you do about your niece.  I pray to that when they are adults they remember I am not all the things their mother has said about me and that I can have a relationship with them as well.

Thank you for your words.

I did block my sister from texting me, as that seems to be her M.O. When she wants to have a one-sided rage argument. I did not block her incoming calls (not that she has called me in over six months) in case there is an emergency or if her team of "professionals" can ever get it together enough to get her to a better place where she might call to apologize. Granted, it's a rare occurrence, but it has happened in the past from time to time.  But at least I don't have to subject myself to her abuse any longer.

[P.F.Change]

Dear NowhereFast,

I am sorry to hear about the loss of your father and that you were not able to mourn him at his services in the way you had hoped. There will be much to grieve. Are you still in touch with your therapist?

It is understandable that you are concerned about your niece. It must be hard when you feel like there is not much you can do to help her. I am also feeling sad for your son as he feels the loss of his relationship with his cousin.

I hope you will keep checking in here and minding your boundaries. Keep in mind that even professionals do not have the power to change their patients. Your sister will change if and only if she is ready and willing to do the work.

Wishing you peace,

PF

[NowhereFast]

Dear NowhereFast,

I am sorry to hear about the loss of your father and that you were not able to mourn him at his services in the way you had hoped. There will be much to grieve. Are you still in touch with your therapist?

It is understandable that you are concerned about your niece. It must be hard when you feel like there is not much you can do to help her. I am also feeling sad for your son as he feels the loss of his relationship with his cousin.

I hope you will keep checking in here and minding your boundaries. Keep in mind that even professionals do not have the power to change their patients. Your sister will change if and only if she is ready and willing to do the work.

Wishing you peace,

PF

Thanks for your reply, P.F.  I do still see my therapist on a regular basis, and she has helped so much.

My concern with the care that my sister has been receiving is that the focus seems to be primarily on finding her the right med "cocktail," with very little concern about the talk therapy and DBT side of things. One of the reasons I believe she was incorrectly diagnosed as solely bipolar for so long was because her treatment plan seemed to consist of check-ins with her pill dispenser and therapy sessions every other month. But when I expressed my concerns about this to my sister, my brother in-law, or my father, nobody wanted to listen.  All of the medication in the world isn't going to help her get to the root issues and teach her better ways of handling her emotions and how to cope.

[P.F.Change]

Thanks for your reply, P.F.  I do still see my therapist on a regular basis, and she has helped so much.

It is good that you are looking after yourself in this way.

All of the medication in the world isn't going to help her get to the root issues and teach her better ways of handling her emotions and how to cope.

It is true that a combination of medication and psychotherapy is usually more helpful in the treatment of many disorders than medication alone. Your concern for your sister in this regard is not unreasonable, and I can understand how frustrating it is to feel like no one is listening. But even if everyone else agreed with you--your father, her husband, her doctors--not one of them has the power to make her agree to therapy or do the work necessary to make therapy successful. That is what I meant when I said change is entirely up to her. If she doesn't want to look for ways to learn how to cope or handle her emotions, no one else can force her to.

Have you thought about why your sister's treatment matters so much to you? In my case, I held onto a fantasy for a long time that my mother would get better and make up for all the years of hurt. I thought I could have the mother I needed if I could get her into therapy for a diagnosis. It was about wanting to soothe my wounds. My parents were in denial that my mother had a problem, but I was also in denial because I was determined to believe that I could change that. Reality is that my mother has a mental illness that makes it difficult for her to accept responsibility for her actions or see her own behavior as problematic.

You seem to be working to take care of yourself and your boundaries. This is important work. Do you find it is helping you?

PF

[NowhereFast]

Have you thought about why your sister's treatment matters so much to you?

At this point, my main concern is for my niece and her mental and emotional well being. She's just a child and has already been through so much where my sister is concerned, particularly over the past year. She deserves to feel safe, loved and cared for in her home environment. She is never going to get that as long as her mother is in this mental state.

I am incredibly angry with my sister right now, but that doesn't mean that I don't still love her and worry about her every day. I don't want her feelings about my father's passing to result in another incident of self destructive behavior, and my mother and I both fear the worst--that she will attempt suicide again. I believe that last year's incident was more of a "cry for help" gesture than a true attempt, but that doesn't mean she isn't capable of making a more serious attempt the next time.

[P.F.Change]

I can tell you care a lot about your sister and your niece. I am sorry things are so hard.   Anger and fear are normal feelings in this situation. What kinds of things help you cope?

PF

[P.F.Change]

Also, I meant to ask: Has your family ever thought about a safety plan in case your sister becomes suicidal again? It is always important to take this seriously and be prepared. Here is a link that may be a helpful place to begin: Safety First

We can also help you find a suicide hotline in your area that can provide you with more information. Just contact a moderator if you would like help with this. (Their names are on the blue banner at the top of the page.)

PF