Being so emotionally reactive - am I hardwired for this?

[qcarolr]

I struggle so to find willingness in my soul. I am so resistant to everything mindful. I medicate myself to be more calm - mood stabilizer. Dx bipolar II. How much work I put into this - will it ever get better or easier?

qcr

[Pilate]

I wish I had a perfect answer for you, qcarolr. It sounds like you are having a more difficult time right now, and at this time of year that is so understandable and common for everyone. When we are already so stressed dealing with mentally ill family members, the holidays can push us down rather than up.

Could the feelings of resistance that you express be related to the messages we are bombarded with during the holidays (perfect, happy families with no cares but the color of wrapping paper and cookie sprinkles) that are so different from most of our everyday lives? The holidays often bring stress no matter who we are or where we are on life's highway. You are not alone.

Wishing you some quiet moments, peace, and support today.

Pilate

[heartandwhole]

qcaroir,

What an honest and heartfelt statement.  I'm sorry you are feeling weak right now, it's so understandable. Continuing to make an effort when things don't seem to be getting better can be very difficult and frustrating.  Although I don't have any answer for you, know that we are here for you and we care. 

I am so resistant to everything mindful.

Are you able to say any more about this? 

[qcarolr]

Mindful - being aware in the moment. I am really tired today, though in better spirit. When I sit quiet and breath, well today I tend to simply fall asleep in my chair! The story of this week is for another thread. I pushed through.,

My resistance may come from a very independent way of being; thinking I can be self-sufficient if I just study enough, try hard enough, pray hard enough... .Seems to be about things being hard and fears of not having enough. This makes staying in the moment feel impossible, and maybe even an inefficient waste of time. There are always many things in my mind, and when sitting quietly breathing the head noise is unbearable. My thoughts do not cooperate with many floating my thoughts away kinds of practices. To And the ringing in my ears gets really loud too.

Hmmmm... .so maybe I need a way to be more connected as I am moving through my day? In the moment connected to how I am feeling, what I am thinking, who I am with, what I am doing, how my body is reacting... .Get all the systems online. Then, from a more regulated stable place I can respond to each situation in the best way for that moment. Not trying so hard, and trusting that I will have enough of whatever is needed.

I also will get to bed earlier, put the effort into making good food, get outside for even 15 minutes to toss the ball for the dog, appreciate some good attention from dh... .all those self care things.

qcr