Slipping

[emotionaholic]

I posted here the other day how my ex had contacted me after 6 month NC to get her things.  She came over and it went well no engaging or talk of what happened.  Just some small talk helped her pack her stuff into her car gave her a hug and told her to take care of herself.  My way of saying I forgive you and goodbye.

I was fine.  I felt liberated and free.

Now I can't get her out of my head.  I have done well in 6 months to detach and move on.  I know she is not right in the head and had that validated with the small talk.  She has no idea what her role in the destruction she leaves behind in any of her relationships.  She thinks she simply has some anger issues. 

I could see in her eyes the shame she feels and that deep down she knows she keeps messing things up.  She simply cant see that it is her. 

My compassion has gone through the roof.  She is in my dreams now nightly.  As I am dating a new woman I keep picturing her while being sexual with the new one.  I don't like it.  I miss her.  It is taking all my strength right now to not contact her just to go out to coffee and be friendly.

But she is sick and would only cause more pain.  How I would love to hear from her that she knows she has an illness and is getting proper treatment for it.   

[Jbt857]

Emotion,

Stay strong. These desires seem to come in waves. I am 9 months out and still have days - even weeks sometimes where all I want is my husband back, despite logically knowing it's never going to work. Many of us go one step forward, two steps back. The dreams are tough, I get periods of those too.

But no good can likely come of it. You want her to realise her issues and maybe even help her with them, which is a great thing, but it's not so easy. I know there are a few members here who have gone on to have friendships with their BPD exes, but it's been very difficult for them and for most of us, it's too raw and too triggering for ourselves and our own issues to do that.

And I don't think it would be fair on the person you are now dating. She deserves your full attention, not what is left after your BPDex has drained your resources.

[emotionaholic]

Thanks.  I am doing the best I can.  I have been in an extreme funk for the last few days over it.  I had been dreading the day I would see her again knowing that exactly this may happen.

I get to see my, used to be our, T tomorrow and it could not come at a better time. 

1  Ex came over got her stuff now I miss her.

2  Woman I had been dating that I really liked chose another guy.

3  New woman I am seeing sucks in bed, did I mention I miss my ex.

I hate that when she came over she looked and smelled so good.  She probably spent a good deal of time getting herself looking just right.  Of course she said things were going well.  But a good look into those eyes said "help"  :'(

I am so tempted to compose a letter to her explaining how I understand her emotional turmoil.  But I also realize that I am now a trigger for her.  I know that my relationship with her was just as powerful as it was for me to the point that the abandonment fears and intimacy have only intensified her disorder.  Which brings up a question I have had.  I know I was the best and closest person she had been with, including family, could that have intensified her disorder?  After learning about BPD I now know I was watching it happen.

[myself]

Which brings up a question I have had.  I know I was the best and closest person she had been with, including family, could that have intensified her disorder?  After learning about BPD I now know I was watching it happen.

Watching it, feeding it, even denying it helped it intensify. We may have been some of the best people in their lives, but that also means we were the worst, because we were too close. A pwBPD can't see the forest for the trees? Guess what? We're the enitre woods to them. We're turned away from like they're allergic to us. We may never understand their turmoil, or be there to help clear it away. We can only work on our own. Please try to steer your slippage in that direction. Write a letter to yourself, processing your own emotions, facing your own forest. There's more peace there.

[Bananas]

Which brings up a question I have had.  I know I was the best and closest person she had been with, including family, could that have intensified her disorder?  After learning about BPD I now know I was watching it happen.

Watching it, feeding it, even denying it helped it intensify. We may have been some of the best people in their lives, but that also means we were the worst, because we were too close. A pwBPD can't see the forest for the trees? Guess what? We're the enitre woods to them. We're turned away from like they're allergic to us. We may never understand their turmoil, or be there to help clear it away. We can only work on our own. Please try to steer your slippage in that direction. Write a letter to yourself, processing your own emotions, facing your own forest. There's more peace there.

Exactly. 

emotionaholic, I have felt all the things you write about.  i work with my ex and i have tons of compassion for him, it took me awhile, learning here, and therapy.  i know i am a huge trigger for him.  when he is "nice" to me at work and i am tempted to be his friend, I have to remind myself that things will always end the same.  I know because I have done it too many times.  Doesn't make the temptation go away

but I am practicing not following through. 

How do you think she will respond to a letter if you write it? 

[emotionaholic]

Chances are high that she will just put it in the box of memories she has and ignore it.  When things ended 6 months ago was when her T informed me that she had been in the process of a diagnosis so that she could get her into more appropriate therapy.  That was also the day I first heard about BPD.  The T said she had not told the ex about it yet because she feared she would stop altogether.  Which is what she did anyway.  I assume she stopped going because she knew I still was and that she knew she had done wrong.

Her son and mine are friends so I get tidbits of what is going on in their life, and it hurts to see her in the process of destroying her relationship with her own son.  I guess I want to lead the horse to water and see if she will drink.  I think I know the answer to that one though.  Ill see what the T has to say about it.  I just hate to stand there and watch a train wreck and do nothing.

[myself]

I just hate to stand there and watch a train wreck and do nothing.

There have been times where many of us have done our best to help the people we love, to do everything we could to be there for them, and our own lives have gone off the rails right along with watching theirs do so. Where we've been so unselfish in our actions that in any normal circumstance these stories would all have better endings. Where there was only everything to gain. If your heart tells you to do something, that's one thing. If your brain and reality tell you otherwise, that's another. When it comes to our own lives, and how they interact with others, we need to see things not in black and white terms but in 3D. So many of us here are very strong, and are growing even stronger. How many can stop a train from wrecking, though? I can't. I tried, but it just added extra grease to the rails.

[fromheeltoheal]

Well, the good news is she got her stuff, so you moved one step closer to handling all unfinished business, maybe all of it.

And an experience like that is a good test of how well you're doing on your detachment; if perfect detachment is seeing her and having no emotional fallout whatsoever, you have a ways to go.  It's good to see that, and is an opportunity to redouble your efforts if you so choose.

You sound like you have a strong desire to rescue her and answer the 'help' you saw in her eyes.  We all know that not only can't we fix it, we're a trigger for it, maybe the biggest one in your case.  Plus, a rescuer/rescuie relationship is not healthy.  You know this.  So how about digging for your real motivation for wanting to contact her?  For me it was much more of an addiction, just like one to booze, coke, cigarettes, whatever, than it was to love; it was me chasing a buzz and a fantasy, and the reality always hurt like hell.

Real, sustainable love is boring sometimes, doesn't have the buzz of a mental illness, but how about, for example, talk about sex with this new girl; she can't change who she is, but talking about your sex life, outside of bed, can make it better, and can also be a component of a healthy relationship that certainly wasn't present with my borderline ex, and maybe not yours either?  

Take care of you!