He's bought me perfume for Christmas - what is he thinking?

[Depression = 72% of members]

Just got back from a weekend away. While I was away my BPDh came over to feed the cat and sort out his piles of disorganised paperwork so we can put the house on the market. He's started divorce proceedings. I walk into the kitchen and find he's left me a huge box of perfume, a case of wine and a card wishing me a happy christmas. I just break down, it's too much to handle. Just when I was getting over him. How can he do this to me? I guess it's all part of the push pull. But boy it hurts.

[toomanytears]

Just got back from a weekend away. While I was away my BPDh came over to feed the cat and sort out his piles of disorganised paperwork so we can put the house on the market. He's started divorce proceedings. I walk into the kitchen and find he's left me a huge box of perfume, a case of wine and a card wishing me a happy christmas. I just break down, it's too much to handle. Just when I was getting over him. How can he do this to me? I guess it's all part of the push pull. But boy it hurts.

[TakingWingAtLast]

TooManyTears,

It IS part of the push pull!  We all see that!   Disengage and don't buy in.  I know it hurts (we all do), but you will work past all that to health. 

We got you though as you go through it.  It's painful and long, but you'll be the best you can be when it's all over.

D

[fromheeltoheal]

I'm sorry that happened toomany; keep putting one foot in front of the other best you can.

My borderline ex felt mostly guilt and shame after I left her, and I could imagine her doing something similar, but her motivation would be solely to alleviate her own feelings.  Concluding that she was trying to recycle or trying to manipulate me or make me feel certain things is giving her too much credit; it was always all about her in the relationship, and thinking that would change is a fantasy.  I would have measured her shame by how much she spent, but granted, emotionally it would have affected me too.

Don't know if that applies in your case, use as needed, and take care of you!

[toomanytears]

Thanks both - such helpful insights. That's why I love this board. You very quickly get a reality check that sets you back on track. 

No I don't think he's recycling. Just as fromheeltoheal says, it's shame that's behind this, not a desire to recycle and thank goodness for that. I've just about got my head beyond wanting him back and I feel so much happier. But I am glad he feels shame even if it's only for a while. I have to be prepared for a very swift change of mood - it's inevitable. We're meeting in ten days to talk about the divorce and finances. Let's see how that goes... .I have two therapists sessions before then to prepare me.

[Pearl55]

Even he feels shame, his feelings are very different to normal people.

[toomanytears]

Even he feels shame, his feelings are very different to normal people.

It's so hard. I can't stop thinking about it. I have to keep reading my red flags list to remind me that this is just fantasy... .