My friend dosen´t get why I´m leaving

[Depression = 72% of members]

I reached out to a friend and told her that my marriage was failing and that I was leaving. I really didn´t get the support I was expecting. The first question was: Why? You both seem so perfect together!

Yeah, well, perfect is far from it.  I tried to tell her what went on and she just didn´t get it. She atually couldn´t believe I was talking about my husband. He puts up such a nice front to everybody - so polite, educated, "sensitive"... .

Well, it took me a while to get it too, so I can´t be a judge here. It´s just that from an outsiders point of view, what I have is special and it lacks in many marriages. She told me that. I wish she could see what goes on behind the closed door.

i told her that I had lost hope but in some odd way, my greatest fantasy is that he would change. She didn´t get that either. Her response was that if there is hope, then keep working at it. Yeah - right ... .I kept working at it 17 years. In some ways, I think I´ll always have hope, even when we´re in different lives.

Then it was - but he´s so romantic    and he loves you   and he´d do anything for you. I think she meant he will do anything to keep me in this controlling marriage. And she kept going on about how wonderful he was!  I felt like I was talking to him!  :'(

I wish I had said nothing - and I don´t think I´ll tell any more friends until I´m split, divorced, moved out and happily married to someone else. It sure didn´t help me at all and now she thinks I´m insane and I´m the one wanting to destroy something that is perfectly normal and wonderful. She thinks I need some counseling  (her surprised face when i told her I was in counseling - which now only supports her theory that I´m nuts). Silence is bliss... .

I just feel so misunderstood and lonely - glad I have here to come to.

[Monarch Butterfly]

I reached out to a friend and told her that my marriage was failing and that I was leaving. I really didn´t get the support I was expecting. The first question was: Why? You both seem so perfect together!

Yeah, well, perfect is far from it.  I tried to tell her what went on and she just didn´t get it. She atually couldn´t believe I was talking about my husband. He puts up such a nice front to everybody - so polite, educated, "sensitive"... .

Well, it took me a while to get it too, so I can´t be a judge here. It´s just that from an outsiders point of view, what I have is special and it lacks in many marriages. She told me that. I wish she could see what goes on behind the closed door.

i told her that I had lost hope but in some odd way, my greatest fantasy is that he would change. She didn´t get that either. Her response was that if there is hope, then keep working at it. Yeah - right ... .I kept working at it 17 years. In some ways, I think I´ll always have hope, even when we´re in different lives.

Then it was - but he´s so romantic    and he loves you   and he´d do anything for you. I think she meant he will do anything to keep me in this controlling marriage. And she kept going on about how wonderful he was!  I felt like I was talking to him!  :'(

I wish I had said nothing - and I don´t think I´ll tell any more friends until I´m split, divorced, moved out and happily married to someone else. It sure didn´t help me at all and now she thinks I´m insane and I´m the one wanting to destroy something that is perfectly normal and wonderful. She thinks I need some counseling  (her surprised face when i told her I was in counseling - which now only supports her theory that I´m nuts). Silence is bliss... .

I just feel so misunderstood and lonely - glad I have here to come to.

[necchi]

They surely are excellent at this game !  It feels that they were programed within the womb.

[Surnia]

Hi Monarch Butterfly

I can relate with your disappointment. It feels bad telling someone about your struggles and you will hear "He is so nice and polite".

Many relationships are not the same from inside and outside! My exH could be very charming too and some friends of mine were very surprised to hear about my struggles. They changed her view telling them calmly some of the things that happened in my marriage. 

I think its important that you trust your perception. 

[Jbt857]

I'm sure she probably meant well. After all, I think any of us who saw a friend's marriage breaking down would try and see if it couldn't be fixed.

But as you said - she doesn't know what you have been through and how things are behind closed doors.

I think next time you speak to her, you may want to tell her that while she may not understand your reasons, that you need her support right now and ask if she is able to offer you that.

Nobody knows the reality of what life is like with a person with BPD unless you actually live through it. You know what is right for you. Stay strong. Not all your friends will react in that way.

[TakingWingAtLast]

Monarch Butterfly,

I completely understand what you are saying.   No one, it seems, can appreciate pwBPD unless they are living with it.   When I finally convinced a common friend that BPD was at work, it was such an immense relief that someone finally understood, I thanked her again and again.  I must say that it was the expwBPD painting black at a party that really convinced her.  Silver linings in being painted black!  Who would have thought!

Alas, though, almost none of our friends GET IT!  Yet your friend may be trying to supportive.  It's very common for friends and even family, to not say anything bad about the soon to be ex, because if you get back together, then they have caused a division.  Perhaps you'll need to give her more time to make certain that you are in fact getting out of the r/s.

JBT's suggestion that you ask for support even in the face of not understanding is a very good one.  If she is unable to do that, then find another support person and reduce your time and energy with her.

I think you should find friends and family that can understand and/or be supportive.  Your suggestion that you might not tell anyone is isolating and potentially harmful to you.  I think you will find the support that you need out there. 

Of course we are here as well.   We are supportive and DO understand.  Your therapist understands.  In your life, just getting support may have to do and that's enough!  They don't really need to understand. 

You have strength to bear all of this  Take care of you!

D

[Nearlybroken]

I understand.Alas for me myself and the ex have many mutual friends and work colleagues.Alas for me they all think he is great.Alas for me I told few the truth.And the worst thing for me,having kept much of the abuse to myself as I was embarrased and feared breaching his desire for privacy ( that he made such a deal about),was that when I did try and share the abuse with people and explain why the relationship ( that they all thought was perfect) had ended I got the " that cannot be him!he is such a nice guy","but he seemed to adore you" and the worst... ."NB... .if he is ill then you should try and understand this and make it work.be there for him".It is impossible to puit into words to folk the awful pain that comes with being on the receiving end of BPD.Even those in my family ( my brother and cousin) who I have told some things to don't get it.I often feel frustrated that ,when I try to explain I am not believed or simply told to "get over it".I am sure you all know that it is so difficult to put into words the  awful effect that this disorder can have on those on the receiving end.And the isolation that comes from not being understood is ,for me,one of the hardest aspects of the nightmare.People don't get it... .and in some way I am pleased that those I care about are in a position not to get it.But yes, I get where you are coming from.Been there.Lots of us have.Try and find supportive friends... .they may not have the answers but there will be someone who is out there and can help you.I have found great comfort from these boards.We understand and you can always be honest on here.We have lived/are living with it... .and we all know how much it sucks.Take care and stay strong.NB.xx