Compromises

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I noted some of the issues I have dealt with for the past year regarding a relationship with a BPD woman in my intro to the group. I'm a "newbie" posting and while I find I know what the answer ultimately will be, I question how far does one go with compromising. My circumstances reflect a one year relationship with a woman who was breaking up with me every other week, sometimes over what I perceived as very manageable differences. During the course of the year I have ended two long term friendships, sold my home in preparation for living together (which we never did because she wasn't ready), altered my work time and hours, modified how I interact with my family and have had limited contact with other friends. She is now moving for a career choice and has asked me to move with her. If I do not, she wants to end the relationship, even though our distance will only be 1.5 hours away. A couple of months ago I would not have hesitated to move, but with recent events I question moving. Relocation will be another compromise I feel I am making in the name of this relationship. While it is doable, it will probably effect my income and future retirement nest egg. I believe my hesitation is my answer to not go, but I struggle daily as I love this woman deeply and was anticipating a future with her. The past month has brought harmony regarding our relationship, but I am uneasy with waiting for the next shoe to drop so to speak.

Can BPD's be trusted with telling truths regarding emotion and desires or are the emotions and wants presented because of the fear of abandonment? It seems at times reality is shifted to meet her needs. How much does a person compromise to maintain a relationship with a BPD?

[suzy_q]

I noted some of the issues I have dealt with for the past year regarding a relationship with a BPD woman in my intro to the group. I'm a "newbie" posting and while I find I know what the answer ultimately will be, I question how far does one go with compromising. My circumstances reflect a one year relationship with a woman who was breaking up with me every other week, sometimes over what I perceived as very manageable differences. During the course of the year I have ended two long term friendships, sold my home in preparation for living together (which we never did because she wasn't ready), altered my work time and hours, modified how I interact with my family and have had limited contact with other friends. She is now moving for a career choice and has asked me to move with her. If I do not, she wants to end the relationship, even though our distance will only be 1.5 hours away. A couple of months ago I would not have hesitated to move, but with recent events I question moving. Relocation will be another compromise I feel I am making in the name of this relationship. While it is doable, it will probably effect my income and future retirement nest egg. I believe my hesitation is my answer to not go, but I struggle daily as I love this woman deeply and was anticipating a future with her. The past month has brought harmony regarding our relationship, but I am uneasy with waiting for the next shoe to drop so to speak.

Can BPD's be trusted with telling truths regarding emotion and desires or are the emotions and wants presented because of the fear of abandonment? It seems at times reality is shifted to meet her needs. How much does a person compromise to maintain a relationship with a BPD?

[Surnia]

Hi suzy_q

and welcome here.

Breaking up every other week - how exhausting! 

I am normally not so direct, I think enough compromises. I am not for compromises when they lead to cut friends or family. And in my experience it will not stop through giving in, quite the contrary.

You are a new member here, I would suggest you some reading about BPD. Do you know the lessons on the Staying board?

Lessons for members who are staying in their relationships

I hope this helps a bit.

[waverider]

It is the Black Hole phenomenon of neediness. The issues at hand are not the real issue. The real issue is neediness as a personality trait in itself. It cannot be sated. You could give everything you have until there is nothing left. There will be nothing to show for it, and that Black Hole will still be there. You will be left feeling empty and hollow, full of resentment. Once you have nothing left to give the Black Hole will then require someone else to fill this need.

When you are close to this Black Hole the analogy with physics still holds, perspective and reality becomes distorted and it is hard to pull away.

What not to throw into this hole? Anything of value to you, physical or emotional. You need to have firm boundaries, for yourself as much as anything, to determine what is important to you and what is not. Do what is right for you not what you feel will appease anyone else.

The problem with truth and honesty with a pwBPD is they often do not have a firm grasp on what is real and what is just perception, and absolutely no sense of continuity. Hence what is genuine today, may be of no consequence tomorrow if it conflicts with tomorrows impulses.

To survive these RS we have to redefine what we expect of people, including ourselves.

If you give to appease eventually you will have nothing left that the recipient desires, which will make you of no value.

[suzy_q]

Thank you Surnia and Waverider for your perspectives, as well as the guidance to selected readings. Waverrider, reading your words about the black hole phenomenon finally has been felt. While I've been reading many different sites over the course of the year, I think I'm finally absorbing what it actually means. With the compromises I have made, I kept thinking, when will enough be enough? Just when I thought she was satisfied with my actions, something else would pop up. Hyperfocusing and criticism on "my flaws" started with people and friends in my life, then my communication style, my perceived co-dependency, my inability to respond immediately to her needs due to my schedule and business, my home and finally my relationship with my elderly mother. My concern about moving stems from the reality all has been great recently, but I fear once moving, it will all proceed as it has been, i.e., criticisms, freeze-outs, withholding, more compromises on my part (what those compromises would be, I'm uncertain, as I feel like I have compromised on the major areas of my life). I was very close to acquiescing to this latest request, as my heart pulls to go there, but as of this moment, I think I may have turned the corner, which will mean the end of the relationship if I do not relocate. Continuing to read the different boards and readings has and will be helpful with understanding everything I navigated this past year. Initially I was a wreck when the verbal tirades began. I was confused by her responses, but somehow I have maneuvered through where I can handle what she dishes out and generally most rolls off my shoulders now. At times I feel very sad for her and want to "take care" of her, as she seems like she doesn't even know how destructive her behavior has been. Thank you once again for the words of guidance.

[waverider]

At times I feel very sad for her and want to "take care" of her, as she seems like she doesn't even know how destructive her behavior has been. Thank you once again for the words of guidance.

Be careful here you can slip into the codependency role. She is validated by playing the victim role, and you are validated by feeling the worthy rescuer role. If you stop pandering to these needs you will quickly slip into persecutor role. This can severely invalidate you and tempt you to recycle back into rescuer mode to achieve validation once again.

It is imperative that you do not become dependant on the "rescuer" role to satisfy your own need for validation.

This is an example of why we always talk about fixing and working on us, so that any support we give is for the right reasons so that we may be more objective.

[suzy_q]

Surnia: I appreciate your directness. "Enough" is my leaning. As mentioned, the supporting readings on this site are very helpful. I recognize it is about being responsive to our needs, and not reactive to what is being presented.

Surnia and Waverrider, thank you once again for your insights.

[suzy_q]

Waverider: these words you wrote produced a lightbulb moment - "

... .and absolutely no sense of continuity. Hence what is genuine today, may be of no consequence tomorrow if it conflicts with tomorrows impulses.

" This explains a lot to me.