Misinterpreting - missing info

[FigureIt]

My uBPDbf doesn't always listen well and then I get blamed for wrong information and sometimes accused of lying. Sunday I told him 2 things, one was I was looking at taking a yoga class at 4:30 some days, the other was after my daughter got picked up by her dad on Monday evening I needed to go pick up a Xmas gift for her nearby.

So last night after my daughter left at 5:30pm I ran out to get the gift and stopped to get a cooks chicken for dinner. I was gone about 40mins. My BPDbf was working out when I left so I didn't bother him, just went quickly.

When I got back my bf had just finished showering. He was upset that I "just left." I said I told you yesterday. He claimed I said I was going at 4:30, I said no that was the yoga time. Also using logic if it's a gift for my daughter and she is with me at 4:30, why would I go then. Anyways he claimed "no you said 4:30." I apologize that here was a miscommunication and acknowledged it must have been frustrating not knowing where I was.

I know for a fact I didn't say I was picking up the gift at 4:30, so how do you work around your words being twisted?

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[FullMetal]

I've taken to writing notes, and texting things like that, we discuss it and I'll send a text with times and plans... .that way it's written down, and the argument can be made right then and there if what is written is different than what is in their head, and you can restate what you said, and get through the miscommunication before it becomes a problem.  if they still have a problem with it, you have the written down details.

as for how to work around getting my words twisted.  that's my big challenge of the decade.  thankfully her medication helps with that.  but if she misses a pill or "forgets", the "filter" as I call it goes up and anything I say is instantly transformed and translated into something not even remotely what I said.  heck even "I love you" turns into "I want to leave you". 

I feel your pain. 

[maryy16]

You are not alone in the "missing info" problem.  My H is terrible at remembering things and I, too, I have been accused of not telling him things or accused of giving the wrong time, etc.  I can almost 100% assure you that YOU did not mix up the times when you were telling him.

What I have learned is this... .I can only tell my H one thing at a time.  In your case, I would tell him about the yoga class and then, AT A LATER TIME, tell him about getting the gift.  For my H, especially, telling him about one thing involving 4:30 and another involving 5:30 in the same conversation would mix him up also.  The times are just too close for some reason, as opposed to saying something about 4:30 pm and 9:00 am, for instance.  I don't know why this is.  

For me, the same goes with directions.  I cannot say "turn right at the light and then make a left at the stop sign."  I have to divide it into two parts and not say the "make a left at the stop sign" until AFTER he has turned right at the light.  He tends to get the right/left mixed up if I say it in one sentence.

Hope this helps.

[Chosen]

I know for a fact I didn't say I was picking up the gift at 4:30, so how do you work around your words being twisted?

A short answer: You can't.

A longer one: You can only control how you say it, but you can't control how somebody interprets a message.  Sometimes they "mix things up" on purpose so they can blame you, and sometimes it's an honest mistake but it's hard for them to admit they are wrong, so there you go... .you're still taking the blame.

I used to get a lot of that, particularly through texts because you can't hear somebody's tone of voice so my pwBPD interprets it in whatever way he likes (usually negative, as you can guess).  If it's something factual, like a time, I would suggest using text to convey the message so they can't say you said it wrong.  But keep it only to facts. 

To be honest, I think you already did really well, because you validated his frustration.  It's best to just leave it at that... .what has happened is already done.  But maybe for me, I may not apologise, I may admit there have been miscommunication but make it sound like it’s a small deal (for them, small things are huge deals, so we have to get the perspective right).  Don’t dwell on it and try to move on to another topic to help him ease his frustration.