First of all, DH and I share a home with his parents. That really grinds my mom's gears, as she assumes that I am just purely ecstatic to be living with my in-laws and that I must love my MIL more than her. Multiple times I've had to explain to her that this isn't exactly a preferrable situation
Somebody, try to avoid the temptation to explain yourself to your Mother. For me this was a hang over from childhood where I had to explain because I was a child. No longer. Explaining and justifying leads to resentment.
If Mum’s gears are grinded and she lays the guilt trip – don’t buy into the drama. A simple “Thanks for your concern, this is a decision between DH and I”
The way our crazy schedule is on Christmas day, I really have no choice but to start off at home, anyway.
Start off at home Somebody if that is what you and DH decide. Boundaries!
Do you feel a sense of guilt and obligation for not staying over night?
So, ever since they've been born, I've bought them clothes, shoes, toys, whatever I can. At Christmas time, I tend to spend a good bit on them. Normally, that makes my mom proud. Lately, she's been extremely, strangely bitter about it.
Do these things for your siblings cause you want to…not dependent on Mum’s reaction. She is disordered and her emotions rule her mind – not facts. You will never get your head around her reactions – just know they are hers not yours to own.
She keeps relentlessly making comments on Facebook and elsewhere about how she never gets anything for Christmas (from me). Which, is a huge freaking lie!
Boundaries….and consequences
“Mum, if you continue to make such negative remarks on FB about me – especially things that are untrue – I will need to remove you. Do we have an agreement?”
The baby, whom I only spent a grand total of about $40 on, will never know stability. My seventeen year old brother has a comfortable place to live and a mom who loves and cares for him, endlessly (She rarely ever scapegoats/paints him black because she was very much in love with his father). As well as a great stepdad! He generally gets what he wants and definitely has what he needs. How is he being slighted? Honestly, DH and I bought him $80 worth of clothes for Christmas and all we spent on each of the three little kids was $100.
So, I am just aggravated. Thanks for listening to me vent! Anybody else having a rough go of the holidays with your BPD family members?
These are the facts Somebody! Its true and they are extremely frustrating.
"What about your brother?" Okay, so that guilted me into going out and spending about $80 on two new outfits and a jacket for him. My mom knows I bought him clothes, already... .I'm not sure what else she's aiming for, but I'll tell you one thing for sure, I can't wait for December 26th to get here!
Any ideas where this guilt comes from? We are guilted by a disorderd parent who will twist facts - yes. However its not about us - its about her own guilt for not doing enough, feeling ashamed of herself - she is projecting onto you…don't take the bait and find ways to heal past all the childhood stuff Somebody…are you seeing a therapist? I cannot recommend one enough. I have my own BPD parent - therapy is a god send.
Where does this all hit hard? Do you feel like you are not being valued for what you do? Does it trigger childhood stuff? What would you like to see happen – for you to move through the anger?
