Welcome!
It’s important to not use armour as a way of coping my friend. We tend to shutdown emotionally when we use coping mechanisms such as that to get by. We really do need to face the impact, the emotions it has on us and let it be OK to sit with the uncomfortableness of it all. We don’t heal if we shutdown and yes we push our partners away – it becomes a way to cope rather than deal.
I use to do that too.
A hang over from an invaliding childhood is that we find it hard to feel and be vulnerable – we shy away and even run from anything remotely comfortable, loving and healthy because we are accustomed to turmoil, chaos and uncertainty – it has become our ‘norm’. Testing our potential mates is really about self sabotage – we are fearful and scared that this person will let us down – that armour is up and its thick ready for a knock down. Much like we were knocked down as kids. We are reliving our childhood in our adulthood.
We need to relinquish our childhood conditioning that taught us that if we were good, compliant, didn’t ask questions then we would be saved from abuse. We are adults now and we have the ability to stand up for ourselves. We however must be OK with being vulnerable rather than hiding behind shame.
Two fantastic books – to be read in order:
1. He’s scared, she’s scared by Carter and Sokol (
www.amazon.com/Hes-Scared-Shes-Understanding-Relationships/dp/1567313701)
2. Daring Greatly by Brene Brown -
www.amazon.com/Daring-Greatly-Courage-Vulnerable-Transforms/dp/1592407331I cannot recommend these two enough.