Please look at my introduction

[lever.]

Please other parents look at my introductory post in new members. (de-lurking for advice). I have  seen all your wise advice on here. Although DD has been relatively well recently I have still needed to use a lot of the communication skills and have learned a lot from just reading. Thanks

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[peaceplease]

Lever,

. I could swear that I posted on the newbi board, and now I can't find it. Anyways, I thought I posted for you to join us here. So, here you are, and WELCOME!

I do not think that you were unkind.  You left the ball in her court.  It is so complicated!  Please take care of yourself.  Have you considered therapy for communication with your dd(daughter)?  A

Check out the box on the right and click on some of the links. 

Please keep us updated.


peaceplease

[js friend]

Hi Lever

Iam so sorry for the emotional pain you are feeling right now. My gc is still only a baby but I can imagine the pain i would be feeling too if I thought that I would be cut out of her life.

For the moment though I think you need to sit tight and wait for your dd or SIL to bring your GC over. The goodnews is that your SIL has already made the effort to do this so I think all is not lost between you and your GC. My guess is that your dd1 is feeling a lot of shame right now for her behaviour and the intrusion of privacy towards dd2 and is using deflection to take the heat off... Rationally none of it makes any sense... .but when you begin to understand the fear of ababndonment and that drives BPD behavour it begins to make sense.

... .From what I understand our pwBPDs are in such emotional distress when confronted that they are in the fight or flight mode... .and we often get to experience the either, or of the 2.

In the meantime it would be useful if you and your dh could brush up on your commincation skills, and how to use validation effectively when you next speak with dd1. Learning these skills have been a lifesaver in the r/s between me and my dd19.

[lever.]

Thank-you js-friend for your careful reading of my post. They live some distance away so it won't be easy but I think I will have to wait for a while and let feelings settle. Your explanation is helpful. I will read about validation. DH not of a mind to at present but I know he will soften given time. Although DD2 is upset re the children I can't see her wanting to reconcile - she feels very betrayed. Just throwing out all the wasted food today - ah well! Thanks for your help

[js friend]

your welcome Lever,

and I wish you and your family all the best for a Good New Year!

[blancreatv]

Hi newbie. So am I . I think I posted my intro months ago. I should have come back sooner. Need support and who better that this community.

I have a26 DD who was in therapy for 6 mos. and hopefully will be back soon.

She did DBT individual and group but it was extremely expensive. I did see a relief of her emotional rollercoaster during those months so believe that it was helping. Her therapist is now putting us in contact with master psych under her tutelage who charges half! Why is this always about money?

In any case dd has gone back to some cutting/scratching  and raging occassionally. The thing is... .she is also manipulative and after a couple of years of dealing with this I know there is a histrionic component to BPD which I know is probably not intentional. MY DD is like a little kid with a tantrum. She says she hates everyone, wants to kill a coworker, doesn't care for anything etc etc.

And then, just like that upheaval came so it goes a day later, while I'm left totally exhausted. Fortunately learning more about BPD has given me "some" tools but you know what? I need more. I need to be firm and know that I do not have to solve this myself. Someone said on another BPD book that THEY may benefit from actually not having someone there at their side 24/7. Maybe they can self sooth. I have seen my daughter go from completely disregulated to calm and collected over a matter of let's say an hour!

Now Im starting my own search for therapy. Have been through it a number of times but I am more clear now that I need one who understands what living with a BPD relative is. And if it's your child it is soo difficult.

And I need to give her space. BUt you know how it is... .worried that she will harm herself makes me paranoid when she is not home when she says she will be, specially if the day before she tried to hit the garage door with her car as practice to hitting a wall... .And then 12 hours later she seems rational and is at work.

Wow!

I think that's it for now.

Best of luck

blancreatv

[lever.]

Good to meet you blancreatv.  You're probably right. While I still feel terrible she's probably at home not giving it all a thought