I am so angry sometimes

[RecycledNoMore]

Well this is my first post here, so here goes, I dumped uBPDx about 5 months ago, nc for 3 ish weeks, I was sad, then angry had days where I actually felt good about my life, lately I have been spending a little too much time feeling angry.I dont like it, endless thoughts of betrayl flood my mind, any mention of cheating causes my body to stiffen,I see the xs name everywhere, I avoid watching the weather forecast because I dont want to see the weather in the part of the country he scurried off to, the neighbors play his fav songs, when im working I hear the radio,it seems to mock me with its playlist, I think about all the underhanded manipulations, the gas lighting,the cheating, Im so mad.

Most of all, I feel like a fool.8 bloody years wasted.

On a man who cant love, who never cared for me,I have realised that I was used.

For supply

I never knew about BPD till toward the end, which is the reason I dumped him, it became obvious that a r/ s with him would be an exercise in futility.

Im mad because if id known earlier I could have left earlier, Im mad because I ment nothing to him

Im mad because I want to hate him, but I cant because ive learned that he never planned to be the way he is, that is just his lot in life, and I cannot change him, I can only change me

I am at times optomistic about my future, I know in my heart it was the right decision to leave him, I am doing much better than I was a few months ago, Im not depressed, I know I am grieving, being here on this site has been my saving grace, I am slowly rebuilding the lost r/ s with my family,unfortunately I lost one of my best friends due to the xs harrasment of her, and I didnt really have other close friends.I know in time I will attempt to make more, I am naturally introverted and that aspect dosent worry me so much.

Some days though, Im just so angry

I Just dont know where to start unraveling this mess.

[waverider]

I never knew about BPD till toward the end, which is the reason I dumped him, it became obvious that a r/ s with him would be an exercise in futility.

This is probably at the core of it. You went through madness and left. still wondering what was all that about and frustration with lots of unanswered questions. I was close to this too. Once discovering the problem, I took a mindset that I was staying as opposed to undecided.

What this meant is that I tried everything possible, climbed the impossible mountains, tried every trick, and really got to know the world of BPD. I am still in the staying mode, but the point I am making is that if it had, or does fail, as many still do, there will no unanswered questions, no" what ifs". I have undergone an enormous amount of self examination and I am a far better person now than I ever was.

None of this is a guarantee of anything, but to answer the thrust of your post having gone through this process if it fell apart it would be a lot easier to let go and let the resentment subside.

You will find most of those on the leaving/Coping and Healing Boards who are the most wounded comprise mainly of members who are discovering about BPD after the event, rather than having first exhausted all attempts at repairing with the correct tools.

Non of this helps you, but it may explain the difficulty you have in letting go.