A continuation of the seasonal drama post.

[SomebodyThatIUsedtoKnow]

I figured I'd bring my saga over here to "coping" instead of the "healing" board, because right now things aren't healing too much with uBPD mom.  Our relationship goes in phases, always has.  I'm the scapegoat most of the time because my sister (although she has been painted black before) is "too strong minded" to bully and my brother is just untouchable.  This all boils down to, my mom is pissed because my sister and I moved out.  However, she's madder at me because I hardly ever come over.  I believe, deep down, she feels guilt for how things have been between us and she fears I don't come because of her.  Reality is, I don't come over because she lives 45-mins away, I don't have my driver's license (duh, mom!), and my husband works wonky hours.  Sometimes he works all weekend, other times we have plans on the weekend, then others we just don't really have the spare gas money to drive all of that way.  Anyway... .

The latest drama has been documented in my post:  https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=215134.0

There have been new developments, and I'm just flat out exhausted dealing with this.  Also, confused.  Very, very confused. 

Last night I was out shopping.  At some point, I received a text from my mom telling me that she planned to marry the man who we all consider to be our step-father, anyway.  I was very excited to hear this news, but because she'd told me they planned to just go down to the courthouse, I asked her if I'd be invited.  Meaning, I didn't know if they were just planning on going alone, or what.  She responded that we'd all be invited and she'd let me know the date later. 

Okay.  Minutes went by and my phone went off again, out of nowhere.  The text I received was as follows:

"Of course you're invited to my wedding.  Why wouldn't you be?  Don't even try to blame me for your brother's issues with you and your sister.  I told him if he has a problem with you, he needs to address it himself."

WHAT THE FRACK?

Are you serious?  When I saw that, I just wanted to cry because I'm so, so tired of this.  She's trying to take whatever loophole she can find to invade my mental health because she realizes she's losing power.  Now, for whatever outlandish reason, she's using my brother as the vehicle.  My brother is the type of person who, even if he did have a problem with me, he wouldn't tell anyone.  He won't even discuss how a date went with my mom.  Every time I do go over to my mom's my brother stays within inches, if not touching me.  We've never had problems in our relationship, which is why I know this is another fabrication.

It just makes me soo angry!  I mean, notice how she placed that text.  Talking about her getting married had absolutely nothing to do with my brother.  She wanted to throw in that little jab and, of course, she won and it ruined my night, totally.  Not because I believed anything she was saying, but because I could clearly tell she was trying to manipulate me.

Then, today, I got on Facebook and there was a picture of a mutli-millionaire athlete wearing nice clothing and the caption my mom wrote was, "My son would kill to be able to dress like this !"  what the heck, lady?  I don't even dress like that!  My husband doesn't even dress like that and it's HIS money we're shopping with.  I know that comment was placed just for me.  I just don't ___ing understand.  What does she want from me?  I wish somebody knew.

[Deb]

What does she want? To drag you down to her level most likely. Take this phrase: ":)on't even try to blame me for your brother's issues with you " and change it to "I blame you for your brother's issues with me." Because, you know, someone is ti blame and it isn't going to be HER!  And this ""My son would kill to be able to dress like this "  and change it to I would kill to be able to dress like this. She jealous. But one thing you can do is realize that it isn't YOU. It's HER. I am sure others will have some ideas for you, I have to run and will check back later.

[Bracken]

Hi,

I'm sorry that things are so rough and so complicated for you.

I was the scapegoat in my family too - my brother also "untouchable". It has helped me to read in the Forum here that it's common for BPD parents to have scapegoats and "golden children."

I think a lot of the problem in my family was  SEXISM. Common for my generation (I was born in the 50's). But my M had ESPECIALLY severe (pathological)  issues about being female. She was contemptuous of most women  - and also extremely jealous and competitive with them - including even her daughter. Maybe  the label "Narcissistic personality" would fit even better than BPD. Extreme jealousy and competitiveness with other women is a common trait of Narcissistic women.

Maybe your M is very Narcissistic too - one reason why she is so hard on you and your sister. Just thought I would suggest that. Take care -

[BMama]

If I could "like" Bracken's post a la Facebook, I would.

My mother was only satisfied controlling me so I would be like her.  If I raised my kids like her behaved like her, and didn't do anything generally better than her she was happy.  My sister was always down a few notches... .couldn't handle money or her kids or relationships, and my mother always seemed to "rescue" her from herself.  Perfect, right?  My brother is and will always be the baby can do no wrong even though he has a worse life than any of us.  There are always excuses and since she coddles him, he doesn't really see her for what she is either.  I got tired of being under her thumb, and that's when the problems began.  I talk to my brother some now, but we have to steer completely clear of discussing any of this.  I do not talk to my sister yet, after four years... .she is now the golden child of course.  When my grandmother was alive, and my grandmother was very honest, stable, mentally healthy, she told me one time that my mother was jealous of me.  I didn't take it very well, as a mother myself, I could not comprehend being jealous of your own kids, because you want them to have more and be more than you.  And I believed and loved my grandmother, but it took me a very long time to see that what she was saying was right.  This is also why my mother had no friends, no female friends especially.  Every woman she ever worked with was a problem (even though we know women can be catty anyway).  Etc.

You are not alone in feeling crazed upon. 

[Botswana Agate]

WOW, Somebody~~I received a Christmas card that has wording similar to that.  All it has is "YOU-this, YOU-that". . . not one "I", because my mother apparently can't take any responsibility for anything she does.  I feel your pain, and will give you a virtual brownie and a ((HUG)).