What's your flea spray?

[Our abuse recovery guide]

The other day I found myself frustrated at one of those typical everyday type of situations.  We needed to go out to run some errands, and while I was feeding the kids lunch and attempting to get them and myself ready to go out, my husband took a leisurely shower and sat down to read a book while he waited.  Past flea-ridden me would have expected him to just know I wanted his help and either I'd get mad and yell at him because he wasn't helping, or gone all silent-treatment for the entirety of the time we spent out.  Instead, I realized I was getting frustrated and just politely asked him if he could lend me a hand.  No big deal, and everyone left happy.

It got me thinking about how other people have learned to get rid of the fleas in their lives - what's worked (and maybe what's not worked) to move past those unhealthy behaviors we've picked up from the pwBPD in our life.

For me it's been three main things: recognizing and allowing myself to have feelings, not expecting others to read my mind, and taking a moment to think before reacting.  What's been helpful for you?

[Sitara]

The other day I found myself frustrated at one of those typical everyday type of situations.  We needed to go out to run some errands, and while I was feeding the kids lunch and attempting to get them and myself ready to go out, my husband took a leisurely shower and sat down to read a book while he waited.  Past flea-ridden me would have expected him to just know I wanted his help and either I'd get mad and yell at him because he wasn't helping, or gone all silent-treatment for the entirety of the time we spent out.  Instead, I realized I was getting frustrated and just politely asked him if he could lend me a hand.  No big deal, and everyone left happy.

It got me thinking about how other people have learned to get rid of the fleas in their lives - what's worked (and maybe what's not worked) to move past those unhealthy behaviors we've picked up from the pwBPD in our life.

For me it's been three main things: recognizing and allowing myself to have feelings, not expecting others to read my mind, and taking a moment to think before reacting.  What's been helpful for you?

[Botswana Agate]

Interesting you mention this, Sitara.  Just last night, my husband was all crabby, and *he* was the one who expect me to read *his* mind.  Rather than let it blow to Vesuvian proportions, I called him out on the real issue.  I think there might be something more that what we discussed last night, and I'll double-check with him when he gets home tonight how everything's going.

How does this differ from growing up with my uBPD mother?  She and my Dad NEVER talked about anything until it blew--to Vesuvian proportions, and emotionally eviscerating everyone in the process.  And then, there was this thing called magical rugsweeping that my Dad is STILL good at, and wishes we kids would do to make his life easier.  Sadly, he's suffering greatly right now because we won't.

[redroom]

I'm still at the flea trap stage, working my way up to flea spray!  :D

Right now, I'm able to catch it right after it comes out.  I'll apologize, be honest about what's going on, but most of the time that's OK because it's with a counselor or friend who knows what I'm going through and I can be honest with them.

When it's with strangers (like at the grocery store), or with people I don't know very well, I just try to put myself in their situation, explain to myself that my issue isn't a big deal to *them*, that a little kindness goes a long way, and that they have families of their own that they have to deal with.  Also, before I sense myself getting to that frustration point, I try to pinpoint what exactly is going on, then fix it.  If it gets bad, I'll tell myself that this person is someone's mother, father, sister, or brother, or child.  I also ask myself if it really matters in the long run, or if there's more to the issue that I'm not seeing.

My problem is that I take this too far, though, and swing in the opposite direction.  I convince myself to not be bothered by stuff, and then I feel that people are walking all over me.  So I've gone from one set of fleas to the other.  I feel like a total b-witch when I stand up for myself, or I feel that I'm imposing on others and that everyone sees me as a crabby pain in the rear.