I need to get past these weekends.

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

I know my future only too well ... because it will be what my past was - years of doing well professionally ... having friends who seem to love me but who, really, don't know me as well as they think they do because only someone who is intimate with me knows the real me (and can subsequently reject that person) ... .my future means wrapping up/suffocating the desire that is eating me whole right now because the very nano-second that I am able to, I will bury it so that this pain won't happen again ...

I will function ... and on the surface I will live, and laugh ... and those around me will think I am living my life. But I won't be ... .

The planet, the trees, the moon, the stars, thoughts of god/s ... wonderment of any kind ... these are alien to me ... .what I was seeking, what I have always been seeking , I found in the mind of somebody who is an abyss ... who wasn't even really there ... .it's unattainable, toxic ...

I care nothing for money or things ... I despise the capitalist nightmare that surrounds me ... the only thing I crave are those moments ... those little moments when somebody adores me so much that they seek to devour me ... when my mind shuts down and my lover and I sink down into the rabbit hole.

No 'normal' man can do this for me ... .I am not attracted to 'normal' men ... .I want to play in the fractured psyche of my (ex) lover ... all of my ex lovers ... .revel in the Dionysian pleasures they bring. Apollo holds no interest for me. He doesn't represent me nor interest me.

Moving on means standing in the sun ... being 'whole and well' ... or at least pretending to be. It means forgetting that I could ever feel truly alive ... it means ... .giving up ... again.  

Oh boy DC.  I wish I could argue with you about any of this, but this is me, too.  Completely.  I functioned so well before this encounter with my BPDex.  Even I thought that was the most I could aspire to anymore.  Like you, I know that sometime soon I'll seem to be just fine.  People like me, I do very well.  Objectively, in a world-historical sense, I'm very fortunate.  If you can just overlook aspirations of being united with another person's soul the way I briefly felt I was with this man.

It would have been so much better not to experienced this. I wouldn't have realized what it is that I really still want.  Like you, I know it is not just out there around the corner.  Which is one reason why it's been so very hard to cut ties and walk away, to give up all hope (malignant hope).  He feels very unusual in his ability to meet me in this way.

That's also why it's so weird to see him with someone else (and I'm sure the same is true for you).  When we had this sublime connection, how is it possible for him to be with someone else?  Any that's where the mind-bending really starts.  :)id I misunderstand?  How is that possible?  Like you said in another post, our world doesn't make sense when all these things are true simultaneously.

[patientandclear]

I know my future only too well ... because it will be what my past was - years of doing well professionally ... having friends who seem to love me but who, really, don't know me as well as they think they do because only someone who is intimate with me knows the real me (and can subsequently reject that person) ... .my future means wrapping up/suffocating the desire that is eating me whole right now because the very nano-second that I am able to, I will bury it so that this pain won't happen again ...

I will function ... and on the surface I will live, and laugh ... and those around me will think I am living my life. But I won't be ... .

The planet, the trees, the moon, the stars, thoughts of god/s ... wonderment of any kind ... these are alien to me ... .what I was seeking, what I have always been seeking , I found in the mind of somebody who is an abyss ... who wasn't even really there ... .it's unattainable, toxic ...

I care nothing for money or things ... I despise the capitalist nightmare that surrounds me ... the only thing I crave are those moments ... those little moments when somebody adores me so much that they seek to devour me ... when my mind shuts down and my lover and I sink down into the rabbit hole.

No 'normal' man can do this for me ... .I am not attracted to 'normal' men ... .I want to play in the fractured psyche of my (ex) lover ... all of my ex lovers ... .revel in the Dionysian pleasures they bring. Apollo holds no interest for me. He doesn't represent me nor interest me.

Moving on means standing in the sun ... being 'whole and well' ... or at least pretending to be. It means forgetting that I could ever feel truly alive ... it means ... .giving up ... again.  

Oh boy DC.  I wish I could argue with you about any of this, but this is me, too.  Completely.  I functioned so well before this encounter with my BPDex.  Even I thought that was the most I could aspire to anymore.  Like you, I know that sometime soon I'll seem to be just fine.  People like me, I do very well.  Objectively, in a world-historical sense, I'm very fortunate.  If you can just overlook aspirations of being united with another person's soul the way I briefly felt I was with this man.

It would have been so much better not to experienced this. I wouldn't have realized what it is that I really still want.  Like you, I know it is not just out there around the corner.  Which is one reason why it's been so very hard to cut ties and walk away, to give up all hope (malignant hope).  He feels very unusual in his ability to meet me in this way.

That's also why it's so weird to see him with someone else (and I'm sure the same is true for you).  When we had this sublime connection, how is it possible for him to be with someone else?  Any that's where the mind-bending really starts.  :)id I misunderstand?  How is that possible?  Like you said in another post, our world doesn't make sense when all these things are true simultaneously.

[TakingWingAtLast]

Dear PatientandClear,

Any that's where the mind-bending really starts.  Did I misunderstand?  How is that possible?  Like you said in another post, our world doesn't make sense when all these things are true simultaneously.

This says so much to me.   The world doesn't make sense because the fantasy is not grounded in reality.   It is but merely the mirror of your own soul and desires.   PwBPD are fantastic mirrors of our dreams.   It was you all along!   They were merely the short term passengers of our desires, like a parasite in your soul.   Begone pest!

To me this is why you and DC will both succeed.  You have dreams!   It was mirrored to you in an unhealthy way and stolen from your emotions.  And now you suffer.   But you still dream.   And you will come to make your dreams for yourself and soon enough you will share it with someone who has depth and dreams of his own.   And you will co-mingle your dreams to create a joyful life full of surprises and love and care.   Have faith!

D

[damage control]

DC,

The reality of your past relationship is that it wasn't what you thought and hoped.  You had this amazing experience and you doubt that it can happen again with someone else.  Please let me reassure you, even as I sit alone in a Starbucks and feeling the depression settle in, I know that I will find someone who can help me create the best of what I desire.  

And I know you can too!   The key is to live that kind of life for yourself.  The man will come into it, attracted by your full and dramatic life because he is sane and wants more of it and you and you will have that kiss, that moment and the life that you dream.  I assure you of this!

Your email from him wasn't from someone who couldn't appreciate your true desires.  To me it screams player and manipulator.   It almost seems unreal and contrived!  The sexual reference is even juvenile to me.  It must be evaluated this way because he is not with you now.  Therefore, it was a manipulation!   Do you see this?  

Frankly, I'd wager this quote or similar has been used before on other women.  And likely your replacement.  You can do better my dear!  And YOU WILL!

Breathe!  Bear the pain!  Use your anger to create a real life!   Accept what must be accepted and thrive!

All my best,

D

I don't think I do see the manipulation ... and this is a big part of my issue/s ... .I don't seem to recognise these things as easily as others ... .how is it manipulative? Do you mean because he was trying to make me feel a certain way? Or to make me think he felt a certain way? Why? I already did ... I was long gone on him at this point so ... .I don't get it.

I am not sure that this exact email has been recycled ... .it was situation specific ... .but I know for a fact that he has recycled others ... .and videos that he made of himself while skyping with me have been sent to other women since me ... .gross.

As for finding someone else ... .I again think back to my 7 years alone ... I didn't meet one man in that time for who I felt anything ... not one. I didn't date, I went without sex and I had no inclination for either because nobody engaged me on any level ... .I see that as my future ... .

[damage control]

Oh boy DC.  I wish I could argue with you about any of this, but this is me, too.  Completely.  I functioned so well before this encounter with my BPDex.  Even I thought that was the most I could aspire to anymore.  Like you, I know that sometime soon I'll seem to be just fine.  People like me, I do very well.  Objectively, in a world-historical sense, I'm very fortunate.  If you can just overlook aspirations of being united with another person's soul the way I briefly felt I was with this man.



It would have been so much better not to experienced this. I wouldn't have realized what it is that I really still want.  Like you, I know it is not just out there around the corner.  Which is one reason why it's been so very hard to cut ties and walk away, to give up all hope (malignant hope).  He feels very unusual in his ability to meet me in this way.

That's also why it's so weird to see him with someone else (and I'm sure the same is true for you).  When we had this sublime connection, how is it possible for him to be with someone else?  Any that's where the mind-bending really starts.  :)id I misunderstand?  How is that possible?  Like you said in another post, our world doesn't make sense when all these things are true simultaneously.

It's not just out there, around the corner.

And this forms part of my (our?) confusion. Fact is, it is almost statistically impossible to walk away from an intense attraction/relationship/whatever and then magically find that with the next person. The chances of this are so very slim for the rest of us that it's laughable to imagine it.

And yet ... .here they are (presumably) feeling the same intensity, the same attraction, the same desires. And the replacement will be hearing those words and feelings that felt like they were aimed specifically at us ... they had to be right? We cannot be so clueless and stupid to fall for vague and generalised proclamations ... they spoke directly and specifically to us.

Or did they?

I tell myself that he cannot possibly be experiencing with my replacement what he experienced with me. It's simply not possible; it has to be different, less intense. Fact that he stays away all week and goes to her only on weekends supports this in my distorted mind - when I have been around, he would take days off work ... sometimes 3 in a row just to lie in bed with me.

But, a part of me knows that he is feeling more for her now than he does for me, no matter what their dynamic is ... and moreover, the space between visits that he gets could actually mean that she and he are more suited ... .that he will be able to keep from being triggered ... .that over time, they will build more than he and I had ... .a warm flame instead of a raging inferno that consumes ... .

My sense-making strategies are entirely absent I have very few facts - those I do have are loaded with my own insecurities and fears ... .the world is purple and unforgiving and somehow on an axis I never noticed before ... .it's not the same world.

[TakingWingAtLast]

DC,

I can only hope for your redemption and need.   Know that I and the others share your pain and hopefully, we can all carry each other when each is down in turn.   I just know that your postings show the depth of your hurts and cares and concerns.  They are profound.

Just know that we will be there for you as you traverse whatever path you take.   And we can hope for you even during those times that you cannot do so for yourself. 

Yours thoughtfully,

D