can you love a BPD spouse?

[Depression = 72% of members]

Just wondering... .can you really love your wife if she has BPD?

I mean love her when she acts so not rationally, and sometimes hurt you?

Yes, I am being nice to her, and intimacy is important to her (but of course I never do good enough... .and all I care is about myself... .etc.). I find it very difficult to be attracted to her on an emotional level (on a physical it's very easy), let alone feel that I love her.

I do feel bad for her, and want to stay and support as much as I can. But love?

[joshbjoshb]

Just wondering... .can you really love your wife if she has BPD?

I mean love her when she acts so not rationally, and sometimes hurt you?

Yes, I am being nice to her, and intimacy is important to her (but of course I never do good enough... .and all I care is about myself... .etc.). I find it very difficult to be attracted to her on an emotional level (on a physical it's very easy), let alone feel that I love her.

I do feel bad for her, and want to stay and support as much as I can. But love?

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Wanna Move On]

Sure, you can "love" a BPD spouse, as long as you don't "love" yourself.

For us to elevate the needs and desires of someone who -- for whatever reason and in whatever form -- is abusive to us, is indicative of deep, core wounds within us.

Just my autobiographical opinion.

[Nonamouse]

It's a good question. It depends largely on how you define love (and, of course, how deep/damaging the BPD traits are). For me, the romantic love has faded. I think it does in most relationships after time.

Not to get all philosophical but love is a choice. So, even when I'm angry with her behavior, and I am now, I choose to love her. I couldn't be here if I didn't. Infidelity has never been one of her issues, but that's one thing that might make me change my mind.

And while at first something that attracted me to her might have been because of some insecurity within me, some need, that's not why I stay now. I don't enjoy this drama or feel that I deserve it.

[joshbjoshb]

I want to understand if you choose to "love" to choose to "stay committed". Those are very different answers!

Even with her behavior, I still choose to stay and to commit. But love is something else... .you love your child cause it's part of you, but she is someone who you "choose" to make part of your life. And now she is causing you a great deal of stress... .she is not a ray of light but actually a challenge you must deal with.

How do you love her?

How can I be attracted to her when all I can think of is "I wish she would just wake up and realize"? Honestly, I am not anymore so stressed out by what she does, but I feel that I reached some sort of apathy towards her. And it's not good, obviously.

[waverider]

Yes you can love and care from them. The real difficult part is respect and admiration, which is far more than just acceptance. The lack of deep respect and trust makes you question the quality of your love.

You almost have to redefine what you mean as 'love"

Acceptance, pity and empathy do not alone make up "love".

Respect and admiration come from the way someone acts, and that is the compromised aspect of the equation

[SweetCharlotte]

There's no blanket response to this question. It depends on their behaviors and how much these affect you.

I'm just as much in love with my uBPDh after four years of marriage as I was when we were engaged. I tried to leave him a few times over specific behaviors that hurt me a lot, but I couldn't go through with it because each time I missed him so much.

He will stonewall or silent-treatment me at the drop of a hat; he runs away or does a disappearing act when feeling the least bit threatened; anything that can be heard as criticism elicits a wild-eyed stinging retort from him. He will be in debt for the next 20 years or more, and the illnesses caused by his maladaptive behaviors are starting to overpower his body.

However, he has never been unfaithful or physically abusive to me. He doesn't abuse alcohol or drugs. His insolvency has little effect on me because I'm self-supporting. Whenever we are together, I still see the man with whom I fell in love. I have no doubt that he loves me and always will. So in my case, I think it is possible to love and be in love with a spouse who has BPD.

[rumblelina]

I think the vast majority of those who choose to stay, do love them.

Love is something that is not based on whether someone deserves it or not, it is also not something that you decide to do. You love people because you love them, not because they're beautiful or smart or cos they treat you like royalty. You may love those things about a person, but that is not loving the person as such.

I love my pwBPD intrinsically, I may dislike or disagree with the things BPD makes her do, but that never makes me forget who she is. Not the one that puts me in a pedestal, the one that mirrors or the one that lashes out, or the withdrawn one that hates herself or only the her that she is when not dysregulated, no - all of them, she is the conjuction of all these things and I love her as such.

It might be because you love her that you have to numb yourself, it might be because we love them that the things they do hurt at all.

Also, I hate to say this but I've seen too many cases already while lurking: if you don't LOVE someone, please don't marry them. It'd a death sentence for both.

[waverider]

I think the vast majority of those who choose to stay, do love them.

I think you have a defining moment when you genuinely choose, rather than stay by default

[joshbjoshb]

Can I disagree with staying because you love?

I think that I stay because I committed, and because of my children. I truly believe me being around 100% of the time is very important to their well being, especially since they see an not emotionally healthy person, so at least they can see me and know how to act.

This morning my wife blasted on me for something really minor, that doesn't happen so often. I couldn't help but laugh in her face. She went on to call me "an utter pig" - all that in front of my children. I told my daughter right away - loudly - not to worry about what mommy said, and went on with a "cheerful" mood and continued to get the children dressed, etc.

Love? Love someone who gives you so much agony? How do you do that?

I think you can be attracted to someone who can be very mean. Yes, attraction is something else.

[elemental]

You essentially mocked her ( invalidation) and she called you a name in response. Then you undermined her as a parent by triangulating her with your daughter.

To the right are links to how to work on things from *your* side.  They have been really helpful to me in terms of resetting expectations (radical acceptance) and calming the situation down.

I am curious, do wish for a peaceful enviroment for yourself and your children? What is *really* important to you? Peace or... .

[Pearl55]

This is not LOVE. It is addiction and obsession! It's our childhood issues that we experienced love with pain. We think we love them, when we are still in FOG.

[SweetCharlotte]

This is not LOVE. It is addiction and obsession! It's our childhood issues that we experienced love with pain. We think we love them, when we are still in FOG.

Sorry your r/s didn't work out. Best wishes for getting over your heartache on the Leaving Board.

[joshbjoshb]

You essentially mocked her ( invalidation) and she called you a name in response. Then you undermined her as a parent by triangulating her with your daughter.

To the right are links to how to work on things from *your* side.  They have been really helpful to me in terms of resetting expectations (radical acceptance) and calming the situation down.

I am curious, do wish for a peaceful enviroment for yourself and your children? What is *really* important to you? Peace or... .

You are correct, that moment wasn't the best moment for me. I shouldn't have responded the way I did, but sometimes you just lose it... .just like today.

And then, you know, that feeling of why a spouse of a BPD spouse needs to be always emotionally perfect while they get back very little on the emotional front. We can never lose it when we are attacked, and when our spouse is raging we need to stay calm. You ask yourself why can't I just rage as well?

I know it's silly.

[joshbjoshb]

And re talking to my child... .she was so scared by her mother acting this way that I needed to calm her down.

Is that the wrong approach?

[rumblelina]

I misread your post, I apologize, I was on my phone. I read it as you had been recently married, didn't know there were kids in the equation. I can understand being with someone you don't love to be able to provide an environment for your children, my mother has undiagnosed HPD with BPD traits and my father stayed with her to raise me and having a person who stood up to her meant the world.

I don't know how to give advice on this but I know in the leaving/co-parenting forums, there are threads about how to look after your child that might be helpful

Something that helped me a lot, though, (because although I know I have a lot of issues I don't have as many as I should have considering that besides a bad mother I was also abused outside the household) was knowing that I was loved. That my dad was with me and mom because he loved me and was committed to my wellbeing (I'm an only child), not because we were a happy TV family like my mother tried to make it look.

The whole WE ARE HAPPY AND OKAY thing when things are bad is extremely damaging, and involuntarily invalidating to children, so please don't partake in that. Might be off, just my thoughts for all parents out there who are choosing to stay for the welfare of kids, I respect your decision and valor, just passing on what helped ME and what was bad for me