Rule Changing?

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

My S9 and I spend time with my family at my parent's house. Son has a cousin three years younger who he plays with while there. The two sometimes have issues getting along. Both are only children. Son is immature for his age, cousin is mature for his. Not to mention stress of son going through divorce (finalized two years ago).

Lately there has been an issue with toys. Cousin brings one, and doesn't want to share with son, but does share with adults and older cousins. Son gets upset he is left out. Addressing issues and conflict is VERY difficult for me, but I finally brought it up to step-sis (we were not raised together and she is seven years older than I am). She was civil, but defensive (what parent isn't when bring up an issue regarding a child). She said she wanted to speak to her husband about it and would get back to me. She followed up by email with a reasonable solution (which is actually what I was thinking, but had a hard time articulating). The problem isn't so much about the sharing, as it is about excluding certain kids. The solution is you either share with no one or everyone.

The problem I am having is that both during the conversation and in the email, she said there were many times I didn't make my son share, and now I'm just upset because the table have turned. She said they walked their son through it all the times my son was mean and wouldn't share. She said not sharing was a rule I created and now I want to change it, but that's not fair. This is very triggering to me, because exuBPDh would accuse me of this kind of thing.

These are the issues I am having trouble sorting out. Part of it is splitting hairs - do I make son share something if he doesn't want to? No, I don't. However, he doesn't share with others. Cousin only doesn't share with son. So, I guess I don't see it as "changing the rules" so much as seeing an issue and trying to resolve it. Also, if it has been such a problem with them, why didn't they address it with me sooner? Finally, aren't I allowed to make mistakes, change my mind and have new perspectives on things?

I have worked hard the past two years to recover from my very damaging r/s. I have worked on having flexible thinking, that sometimes things change and that I'm not always right. This is my first time being a parent and sometimes I make mistakes, and I have worked VERY, VERY hard on accepting that. I've learned it's important to stand up for myself and my son and that avoiding conflict to keep the peace is not always the best route. I feel like I've made a lot of progress on these fronts, and I'm proud of myself, but the situation and the triggering has me questioning myself again and it doesn't feel good.

[Free One]

My S9 and I spend time with my family at my parent's house. Son has a cousin three years younger who he plays with while there. The two sometimes have issues getting along. Both are only children. Son is immature for his age, cousin is mature for his. Not to mention stress of son going through divorce (finalized two years ago).

Lately there has been an issue with toys. Cousin brings one, and doesn't want to share with son, but does share with adults and older cousins. Son gets upset he is left out. Addressing issues and conflict is VERY difficult for me, but I finally brought it up to step-sis (we were not raised together and she is seven years older than I am). She was civil, but defensive (what parent isn't when bring up an issue regarding a child). She said she wanted to speak to her husband about it and would get back to me. She followed up by email with a reasonable solution (which is actually what I was thinking, but had a hard time articulating). The problem isn't so much about the sharing, as it is about excluding certain kids. The solution is you either share with no one or everyone.

The problem I am having is that both during the conversation and in the email, she said there were many times I didn't make my son share, and now I'm just upset because the table have turned. She said they walked their son through it all the times my son was mean and wouldn't share. She said not sharing was a rule I created and now I want to change it, but that's not fair. This is very triggering to me, because exuBPDh would accuse me of this kind of thing.

These are the issues I am having trouble sorting out. Part of it is splitting hairs - do I make son share something if he doesn't want to? No, I don't. However, he doesn't share with others. Cousin only doesn't share with son. So, I guess I don't see it as "changing the rules" so much as seeing an issue and trying to resolve it. Also, if it has been such a problem with them, why didn't they address it with me sooner? Finally, aren't I allowed to make mistakes, change my mind and have new perspectives on things?

I have worked hard the past two years to recover from my very damaging r/s. I have worked on having flexible thinking, that sometimes things change and that I'm not always right. This is my first time being a parent and sometimes I make mistakes, and I have worked VERY, VERY hard on accepting that. I've learned it's important to stand up for myself and my son and that avoiding conflict to keep the peace is not always the best route. I feel like I've made a lot of progress on these fronts, and I'm proud of myself, but the situation and the triggering has me questioning myself again and it doesn't feel good.

[Turkish]

You know what Free One? I don't see anything out of the ordinary here between your son and his cousin. The cousin seems to related to older people more, and probably doesn't have experience with younger children and their emotional needs and interpersonal relationships. All in all, this seems normal.

Being the parent of S (almost 4) and D18 mos, if I were to worry too much about the sharing thing, I'd send them both off to mental institutions! Their fighting and inconsistent behavior towards each other regarding playing and sharing drives me nuts sometimes, but at the end of the day I have to remember: they're kids. We don't have to teach them how to be bad, but we certainly do need to teach them how to be good. Correct him with love, but with firm boundaries.

As for the other parents? It's certainly frustrating to be judged, but as long as you are loving and consistent (and change as the circumstances require) with your own child, then who cares what they think? Believe in yourself, and your son will believe in you too.

[Free One]

You are right about the sharing thing - totally normal kid stuff. I guess what prompted me to bring up the issue is a desire for consistency. We have very different parenting styles, and I was getting frustrated with my son always getting in trouble when I see fighting as a two sided deal. In the end, the cousin would end up with his way - not having to share with my son, but being able to share with everyone else. I was seeking a unified response by the parents, because I did not see the situation as fair either. My brother in law can be harsh with my son, which triggers a whole set of issues that I get tired of dealing with. I want our family time to be enjoyable by everyone.

[Turkish]

You are right about the sharing thing - totally normal kid stuff. I guess what prompted me to bring up the issue is a desire for consistency. We have very different parenting styles, and I was getting frustrated with my son always getting in trouble when I see fighting as a two sided deal. In the end, the cousin would end up with his way - not having to share with my son, but being able to share with everyone else. I was seeking a unified response by the parents, because I did not see the situation as fair either. My brother in law can be harsh with my son, which triggers a whole set of issues that I get tired of dealing with. I want our family time to be enjoyable by everyone.

Hi Free One. While I have no problem gently admonishing other peoples' children (nor them to mine), if he is being "harsh" with your son, to me that is crossing the line. If you've talked about that with him, what has he said in response? If so, or if not, have you tried the communication tools here to attempt a productive conversation? Just reading what you wrote elicits anger in me, as I would be if someone did that to my son without my permission.

[Gidget]

Grandma of 3 I think letting their child share with other people but not you son is not right and I could see how you child and yourself would feel hurt. Having 3 grandkids they fight to play with each other toys. I have always tried to teach my daughter when she was young to share and my grandchild to share I think that is trying to teach them early kindness.

Kids will be kids and rant and rave not to share sometimes being flexible is also ok when changing the rules for certain circumstances. I think picking the battles wisely is always the best. I wouldn't allow anyone to be mean to my child I would speak up and tell him so.

[Free One]

Thanks for the responses and validation. It is helpful.

[livednlearned]

Asserting yourself with family and creating boundaries is hard. Good for you that you said something  

I can imagine the cousin is trying to express how he feels through his actions. Meaning, he might feel bad that your son doesn't have to share. So cousin decides he will share with everyone but your son, to show your son how it feels. Your son is probably sensing a double standard that confuses him. He's ok with the not sharing rule, except that the 6 year old is expressing his discontent through code. My guess is that his resistance is modeled on how his mom feels. They are going along with the rule at face-value, but have pushed the conflict underground, where it's trickier to address. Your sister and brother-in-law may have even told your nephew he doesn't have to share with S9, but he can share with everyone else.

How about if you tell your sister that you'd like to think together about the best way to handle things when the kids get into it? You tried the not-sharing thing, and that doesn't seem to be working. Maybe tell her, "I've been thinking. It sorta seems like we're talking about sharing/not sharing, but really, it's about how to get on the same page about how we help the kids handle conflict. Can we try a do-over?" Ask her if she's willing to come up with a plan about how the adults will handle things when the kids disagree. Maybe you decide that if the kids fight over a toy, the toy takes a break. Then redirect the kids. No yelling (looking at you, brother -in-law.)

How the adults handle the conflict is what the kids model. Your sister needs to agree that the goal is how you'll both handle conflict. Then let your son know and nephew at the same time. "The grown ups talked about how we are going to handle conflict. If there is fighting, this is what is going to happen. The toy is going to go away, and then S9 is going to go take a break, and nephew is going to take a break. Then, when people have had chance to calm down, everyone can play together again."

About your brother-in-law -- can you tell him that you feel very uncomfortable about how he disciplines S9? "I understand that when S9 acts out it makes you mad. I feel the same way when he does that. S9 has been dealing with a lot since the divorce and he's not quite where he needs to be emotionally. I want him to have a good relationship with you, and he looks up to you. When he acts out, could you talk to me first? (Or whatever it is you want him to do?) Ask him what he thinks might work best, and tell him what you think works well with S9, then decide on what you'll do when there's conflict. Maybe S9 has to go hang out and chill for 10 minutes.

[Free One]

Asserting yourself with family and creating boundaries is hard. Good for you that you said something  

I can imagine the cousin is trying to express how he feels through his actions. Meaning, he might feel bad that your son doesn't have to share. So cousin decides he will share with everyone but your son, to show your son how it feels. Your son is probably sensing a double standard that confuses him. He's ok with the not sharing rule, except that the 6 year old is expressing his discontent through code. My guess is that his resistance is modeled on how his mom feels. They are going along with the rule at face-value, but have pushed the conflict underground, where it's trickier to address. Your sister and brother-in-law may have even told your nephew he doesn't have to share with S9, but he can share with everyone else.

How about if you tell your sister that you'd like to think together about the best way to handle things when the kids get into it? You tried the not-sharing thing, and that doesn't seem to be working. Maybe tell her, "I've been thinking. It sorta seems like we're talking about sharing/not sharing, but really, it's about how to get on the same page about how we help the kids handle conflict. Can we try a do-over?" Ask her if she's willing to come up with a plan about how the adults will handle things when the kids disagree. Maybe you decide that if the kids fight over a toy, the toy takes a break. Then redirect the kids. No yelling (looking at you, brother -in-law.)

How the adults handle the conflict is what the kids model. Your sister needs to agree that the goal is how you'll both handle conflict. Then let your son know and nephew at the same time. "The grown ups talked about how we are going to handle conflict. If there is fighting, this is what is going to happen. The toy is going to go away, and then S9 is going to go take a break, and nephew is going to take a break. Then, when people have had chance to calm down, everyone can play together again."

About your brother-in-law -- can you tell him that you feel very uncomfortable about how he disciplines S9? "I understand that when S9 acts out it makes you mad. I feel the same way when he does that. S9 has been dealing with a lot since the divorce and he's not quite where he needs to be emotionally. I want him to have a good relationship with you, and he looks up to you. When he acts out, could you talk to me first? (Or whatever it is you want him to do?) Ask him what he thinks might work best, and tell him what you think works well with S9, then decide on what you'll do when there's conflict. Maybe S9 has to go hang out and chill for 10 minutes.

Great advice and wording! Wish I would've asked before I broached the subject. 

The funny thing is my stepsis came up with a great solution, which I agreed too, but she just remained very focused on "you let this happen in the past, now you can't change." I ignored that part of it (because I didn't know how to properly express myself that I wanted to change things), and focused on the solution. Christmas went well with no fights among the kids, so we'll see how it goes from here.

[livednlearned]

No conflict at Christmas!   

[Gidget]

Glad you had a great Christmas I think I know how have certainly learned new ways to communicate from this board looking at myself I am starting to realize how sometimes we don't think about our own communication styles and how someone else could take it in a different manner that what we meant. I am certainly starting to think before a word something.

We to have a lot to learn