Hi misneach,
Hmm, this sounds like challenging situations. Each of them challenging. And you seem to be very, very determined to see them through. A very clear sense of boundaries. Which is good.
When it comes to boundaries it is usually the best to start with one issue and do it well. Building up a track record of going through extinction bursts. The first ones are usually the most scary, then practice and also experience on the other side lead to it becoming easier. Spacing out these conflicts could help. As would building up confidence and a track record with smaller boundaries in day-to-day situations and not just the big ones.
It is also worth keeping in mind that boundaries are boundaries and extinction bursts are extinction bursts and dysregulation is dysregulation. "Armageddon has nothing on the fight this will be." sound quite frighting. How much is him and how much is your fear contributing here? We all know that pwBPD react disproportional on small stuff - gets us all walking on eggshells.
But that leaves them little to proportionally scale up for bigger stuff. OUR mind scales it up in advance. And if these fights get bigger the energy for it often comes from us.
Your situations all are also related to his insecurities.
So validation of him as a man and your partner and central part of your family is critical as a backdrop during this time of change. As is addressing in some form jealousy, angry, not understanding, confused ... .in times when these insecurities raise their head and push you two towards conflict.
Getting your fear of implementing boundaries under control is absolutely critical as you will projecting it and he will react to it. Less insecurity on your side will be less fear of abandonment on his side.
Problem 2: The other family) Although we have nothing to do with my ex husband (my 3 girls father), I am still friendly with his family. They are close to the girls and I also want to take them visiting their grandma, aunts/uncles, and cousins one day next week. This will cause the biggest fight of all but I am not going to allow him to cut my girls off from their family. Really need to know how to handle this one... .Armageddon has nothing on the fight this will be. Along with this... .
Can you see (and consequently position) this less as something you WANT but something the girls and grandparents have rights to? Rights you need to respect? Facts of life you have to deal with. Things that will happen one way or another. Something you do not have a right to interfere with? Something you manage but not really own?
Problem 4: Day out) I have a day trip planned with my mother and sister on the 29th to a ballet. He is aware of this trip... .even graciously gave me his permission to go (awwww thanks honey) but I know when I come home I will have slept with every man in the audience while my mother and sister ate popcorn and guarded the door? Anything I can do to ease his rage and accusations when I get home?
A T once told me they are using sarcasm in some places. Not sure whether it is safe in general but for some persons humorous exaggeration can be validating:
Honey, I'm exhausted. There were just too many men to satisfy. It can also badly backfire.
The good news is once new boundaries are established your life will get easier. You just have a rough temporary period ahead of you
a0
