I feel stuck

[Jbt857]

Hi,

Well, I am now 10 months out of my 10 year marriage with my BPDexh. The last 6 months I've been working really hard to try and get through this, understanding what led me to him, what led me to stay, taking inventory of myself, my marriage and working on forgiving him so I can heal. I have been through T and clearly see my own inadequacies and issues. I have new friends, new hobbies, eat well, exercise, don't indulge in any destructive behaviours.

But I just feel stuck. I want to move on, but I can't. He is almost constantly on my mind. I frequently cry still and feel just empty and bereft without him. He and I are NC.

I want to move forward. I want to stop ruminating and I want this awful pain to stop, but I'm literally out of ideas. I just feel I'm in this awful emotional no mans land that I can't seem to escape from, whatever tools I try and arm myself with.

I just don't know what to do to get myself out of it.

[Contradancer]

  It's okay to mourn the end of your marriage. In fact, it's part of a healthy process of letting go.

My mourning process started four years before I actually left, as my BPDxh was diagnosed but refusing treatment (it was far easier for him when he could blame me and expect me to fix things). We all do it at different times and in different ways.

The question to ask is if he were a cancerous tumor would you not want him removed?

Moving forward is frightening because we don't have a guarantee that we will have a good life. I had to tell myself that being alone was better than the abuse. What I discovered, through new friends, work I love, and a very healthy sweetheart, is life got better than I ever dreamed it could be. But, that couldn't have happened until I got done mourning.

Best wishes...

[Jbt857]

Thanks Contradancer,

I also know I was mourning the loss of my marriage before enough was enough and it finally ended. At least a few years. Mine also was diagnosed but would not stay in T. Same story with marriage counselling. He went a few times, upped and left, because he couldn't wait for things to be fixed - they had to be fixed right now. 

I'm actually ok being alone. I am an only child and have lived alone for more of my adult life than I have in relationships. That doesn't bother me. I just feel I'm ticking all the checkboxes of what I should be doing to be moving forward, and not making much progress. And I'm ready to move on. But just can't seem to, however much the rationale in my head is sound and healthy to do so. Sigh.

[catsprt]

Sometimes getting over is a bit longer that expected. There is no such thing as a thorough inspection all dimensions to issue a report... .By being in touch with your emotions and taking care of your needs, you will get there in due time.

[Perfidy]

Catsprt... I couldn't agree more. Time to move on. That's how I've been feeling for a while now. Smack talking the ex on the leaving board isn't getting it for me. It's been nine months for me now. I think the final gestures have been made. Over and done. I'm over it.

[Jbt857]

Well that's how I feel... .But actually knowing what those steps are to take and how to actually move on and go forward? I'm stuck... .

[Perfidy]

I posted a topic addressing this on the senior board. I actually posted it before I read your thread. What are we going to do about it?

[redkong]

I haven't quite progressed this far after my recent r/s with BPDexgf ended, but I went through a long process of getting over the previous r/s (10 yr marriage, nonBPD).  I had to get past a lot of ruminating and pain.  May I ask, when you ruminate, which memories do you focus on - are there particular ones you'd be willing to describe even generally here?  Also, what are some of the techniques you've tried on your own or in T?

Are you stuck mostly with sadness, anger, regret, loss, other, mix?  Different techniques help with specific emotions or feelings.


In my current situation I tend to ruminate on events that were emotional, and I have some success with some of the cognitive and physical techniques described here:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=103393.0

I'm still a work in progress re the recent BPD r/s but I know in my previous grief over the end my marriage, these types of techniques gradually helped me a lot.  Not immediately, and not always, but it helped tremendously to just have a toolkit and feel less helpless about my grief and other feelings.

[Perfidy]

Redkong... .The grief and emotions are all part of the process. The rumination... All normal. Depression sadness... .Right down the line. All part of the detachment and grieving. What isn't normal is when we get stuck in any part of the healing process except for the final stage. Acceptance. Therapy is a tool aimed at keeping the process rolling. What has helped me the very most is mindfulness. Getting in the here and now. Keeping it real. It's over. I'm good with that. I'm pretty sure I'll live now. For a bit there I wasn't too sure about that. All that said, I feel like I need a distraction, I was thinking tonight that I wouldn't be as inclined to feel "stuck" in whatever this plateau is if I were in another relationship. I recognize that isn't healthy thinking. I still give too much free rent in my head. I feel like everything else is fine. I'm reasonably happy. Sometimes even more than reasonably. I can be sad without becoming depressed. Sometimes I do get depressed but it isn't like the crushing darkness that made me want to kill myself. I know I'm better. I know I still have room to improve. I feel like I'm expecting some great thing to happen that never gets here. I still think about the past way more than I should. It's been nine months. I think that's been plenty of time. I'm sick of thinking about her. She really wasnt all that. I have been focusing on my self. Ignoring any of the feeble attempts by her to contact me. I feel like I am over it but I'm NOT. Too weird. I don't understand it. I don't know... .maybe I'm just trying to rush through and say "hey! Look at me! I'm healed ! ".

[Jbt857]

I haven't quite progressed this far after my recent r/s with BPDexgf ended, but I went through a long process of getting over the previous r/s (10 yr marriage, nonBPD).  I had to get past a lot of ruminating and pain.  May I ask, when you ruminate, which memories do you focus on - are there particular ones you'd be willing to describe even generally here?  Also, what are some of the techniques you've tried on your own or in T?

Are you stuck mostly with sadness, anger, regret, loss, other, mix?  Different techniques help with specific emotions or feelings.


In my current situation I tend to ruminate on events that were emotional, and I have some success with some of the cognitive and physical techniques described here:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=103393.0

I'm still a work in progress re the recent BPD r/s but I know in my previous grief over the end my marriage, these types of techniques gradually helped me a lot.  Not immediately, and not always, but it helped tremendously to just have a toolkit and feel less helpless about my grief and other feelings.

Hi Redkong,

Mostly I'm stuck with sadness, hurt and loss. I just find myself with this big, gaping hole where my husband used to be, and there seems to be any number of things that can trigger me. I just get so sad that we couldn't make it work. And I miss him terribly, despite all the awful things he did and said. I certainly have abandonment issues and I do feel very much abandoned still, despite generally being okay about living alone and being on my own.

I still don't know if I'd be strong enough to say no if he attempted a recycle. Some days I would be, other days, I'm not sure. Thankfully, the chance that he will return into my life is slim - he's disappeared out of my life and erased me from his. That he could do that so easily after 10 years together hurts terribly.

I've tried the tools like journaling, writing the letters you never send, taking a life inventory, setting new goals, daily meditation, going NC, blocking him from social media, even the snapping the elastic band when I start to think of him, but it all seems like it's futile.

Perfidy, I very much feel like you, like I'm spending way too much time living in the past and he's taking up way too much real estate in my head. He had way too much from me already. Frankly, I have better things to be doing with my time, but I can't seem to stop myself from constantly looking back and ruminating over the whole sorry mess.

I really don't want to feel like this anymore.

[fromheeltoheal]

Perfidy, I very much feel like you, like I'm spending way too much time living in the past and he's taking up way too much real estate in my head. He had way too much from me already. Frankly, I have better things to be doing with my time, but I can't seem to stop myself from constantly looking back and ruminating over the whole sorry mess.

I've been stuck at times too, in fact getting stuck in a timeframe, be it past, present or future, is probably the most common way to be stuck. I was stuck in the past and her because I didn't have a compelling future, one that would pull me into it. When we're stuck we need to work extra hard at visualizing and then acting towards that future, every day, and then noticing some progress builds momentum.

So, what does an awesome future, the life of your dreams, one obviously without him in it, look like? Take yourself there mentally and really commit, make it a habit, and you might find that the past slips away as you create it, in fact its only about leaving the past at the beginning, until the focus shifts to your new life, and one day you'll notice you haven't thought about the past in a while, and then you are free of it.