ExuBPDgf text

[woke up]

Well after 2 months of NC, I got assigned on the same trip as my x-uBPDgf (we work for the same airline).  She waited until the last couple of hours before the trip started to call in sick.  I was thankful that I wouldn't have to deal with her, but 3 days later, she texts me a smiley face from her mother's phone.  I texted her later that day to tell her, I knew she was would contact me, and haven't heard anything since, that was Monday.  Was this a recycle, or was she really trying to test the waters?  Maybe things are not going so well with the married replacement?   I also got a call from her son tell me I'm still like a father to him and I'm the only one that can calm him down.  He lives with his father, not my exGF.  He was clearly disturbed and his relationship with his mom (my ex gf). Is not so great.  I suggested therapy and he agreed.  I called and left a message for my ex gf about the call and for her to find him a therapist near where he lives with in dad.  She never returned the call.  It's funny, a normal person getting a call about their teenager being distressed or in trouble would have immediately called back to find out what the problem was.  She apparently doesn't care or is still too ashamed to connect with me since we broke up when I caught her cheating, and said it's over.  I would love to hear opinions of others on whether she was genuinely trying to reach out but is still too ashamed, or just playing games?  Thanks.

[Perfidy]

Who cares? Not that I am unsympathetic to your pain in this... .I do care about you... That's me I'm a caretaker... .But really, you gotta figure out what YOU want. What's best for you. Who cares about her? She's a big girl let her figure out her own stuff. I can see how having to work alongside her would trigger you. It would drive me nuts! Bad enough having the memories but I just could not imagine being in the here and now with "her"... .The one with no name. How in the hell are you ever going to get centered? To me it would be a huge problem detaching from someone that I had to have contact with. I understand how off balance it must make you. I know I'm not that strong after months of no contact. I suppose there might have been some kind of divine intervention that put you two on that same flight together. I suppose you might be thinking that it was meant to be... .You two together. Maybe it is. Ask yourself how much this has hurt you in the past. Has anything changed? Coworker... .That's a tough one. The fourth choice might work for you. Radical acceptance. I know how hard it was for me. I can only imagine how hard that must be for you.

[bpdspell]

Woke Up,

A text with a happy face will mean what you want it to mean. If your breakup is fairly brand new it will take time before the nature of your ex's disorder really sinks in.

Have you accepted that BPD is a serious mental illness?

This means that your ex lacks the capacity to function in an emotionally mature relationship. This means that what you want from your ex is exactly what she is INCAPABLE of providing. Even if you recycle the same problems will exist, persist and intensify. They cannot get better without intense psychological intervention.

I agree with Perfidy. What do you want?

We cannot read the minds of our exs. More than likely the text wasn't "incidental" and your ex is fishing to see if her hooks are still in you. But again it boils down to you. You cannot save your ex or her son…you can only save yourself. You gave this woman your heart and she cheating on you, betrayed you so you need to ask yourself why do you care about a smiley face?

My ex played those games and because the hooks were still even I often came to his rescue even when he took toilet dumps in my breakfast. It wasn't' until I was done and done did I not allow my ex to cross the line.

Spell

[Pearl55]

Perfidy

Very honest comment.

[woke up]

Thank you all, I had actually had been progressing and healing very well prior to this, it regressed me significantly.  I'm working through it and hope I'm back at my previous level of progress soon.  I am not entertaining any ideas of allowing her back into my life, she has done enough damage.  Thanks again.

[free-n-clear]

I am not entertaining any ideas of allowing her back into my life, she has done enough damage.

     Stay the course, woke up. You have nothing to gain by letting her back in but more grief. It can be hard to resist the temptation at first, as the need for answers & the hope of salvaging some kind of relationship are strong. But you can find the real answers on these boards, and one of them is that relationships with pwBPD are very rarely, if ever, worth salvaging.

[arn131arn]

Woke Up,

A text with a happy face will mean what you want it to mean. If your breakup is fairly brand new it will take time before the nature of your ex's disorder really sinks in.

Have you accepted that BPD is a serious mental illness?

This means that your ex lacks the capacity to function in an emotionally mature relationship. This means that what you want from your ex is exactly what she is INCAPABLE of providing. Even if you recycle the same problems will exist, persist and intensify. They cannot get better without intense psychological intervention.I agree with Perfidy. What do you want?

We cannot read the minds of our exs. More than likely the text wasn't "incidental" and your ex is fishing to see if her hooks are still in you. But again it boils down to you. You cannot save your ex or her son…you can only save yourself. You gave this woman your heart and she cheating on you, betrayed you so you need to ask yourself why do you care about a smiley face?

My ex played those games and because the hooks were still even I often came to his rescue even when he took toilet dumps in my breakfast. It wasn't' until I was done and done did I not allow my ex to cross the line.

Spell

Pell, is this just with us or is it with anyone?  Also, if they are high functioning does that make it better for the relationship that they are in?

Thanks,

Arn

[Aussie0zborn]

... .I had actually had been progressing and healing very well prior to this, it regressed me significantly. 

That's why NO CONTACT is important.  You need to block all known phone numbers. Her son is not your responsibility - he has a father and you're not it.

BLOCK ALL MEANS OF CONTACT. Any contact from a BPD ex can only regress your healing. If you like being kicked in the head you could volunteer at the local kick boxing school so the kids there can practise.

Good luck in your healing. I wish you well.

[woke up]

Well things took an interesting turn yesterday.  I was on a trip with a layover that overlapped with her layover by 1 day.  I got in from flying all night and went to sleep and a couple of hours later my phone rings and it's her.  We talked for about 45 minutes and she apologized, wouldn't tell me if she is still with the replacement, said she didn't want to talk about it.  Told me she missed me and cared for me in her own way, said she didn't want to hurt anyone (by her cheating), but I told her she did and there are consequences for that action, and that is that she will no longer have me in her life.  I told her that I won't forget her cruelty, however, I forgave her so I could move on with my life without anger and resentment.  At the end of the conversation she implied that since I'm very friendly, I likely already have a girl.  I didn't acknowledge or deny it. I actually got the closure I needed and figured I wouldn't hear from her again, but when she was leaving, I was in the bar in the lobby and she came over and had coffee, we talked a bit, and she said several times out loud that she is very nervous.  Also said she had a bottle of wine for me, Malbec, my favorite, I thanked her and wished her a Merry Christmas and she left. I texted her so that when she landed in the US and turned her phone on, she would get a welcome home message, it was our tradition to do that to each other when we were together, i thank her for the wine and wished her a safe drive home.  Didn't get a response, but I'm actually at peace and feel I got the closure I needed.  I don't think I'll hear from her again, she still seems to be very ashamed of what she did and very nervous in my presence because of that.  It's funny because I often wondered how I would react if I ran into her, I was actually back to my old self again, confident and relaxed, I didn't get angry at her, and was simply relaxed in how I talked to her.  She on the other hand was visibly nervous.  I guess it was divine intervention that we were to run into each other this month after 2 months of NC.  I'm wondering if she actually had a moment where she felt bad and wanted to give me closure, and maybe herself as well.  I don't know what to make of all this, but one thing is certain, I'm at peace. 

[Aussie0zborn]

Wow, what a great outcome. I am glad to hear you got the closure one needs in these situations.

Given how you feel now, how will you handle any further contact from her? I could be wrong but it sounds like you might have left that door open?

[woke up]

Actually it doesn't matter if there is contact from her, I'm certainly not going to initiate any contact beyond what transpired.  If she has finally realized that she needs help, I will help find her the right therapist, but she has a long way to go to ever earn my trust again.  In the end forgiving her was for my peace in life and I'm relaxed and comfortable with what happened.  I wish her well.  I actually feel sorry for her because she can't find the peace she seeks, and even if she gets therapy, that peace is a long long road to recovery.