"I know who I am"... do they really believe this stuff?

[karma_gal]

As my H and I had our "this happens every holiday" argument last night, one of the things he said just made me bust up laughing.  He said, "I know who I am."  This is coming from a man who is an accomplished chameleon, whose personality changes daily, sometimes multiple times daily, depending on who he is around; the one who borrows an accent here, a saying there, a way of walking here, and way of dressing there.  In other words, the person he is changes with the wind.  He suffers from situational morality, and his opinion is subject to change within moments depending on who is listening.  He acts one way in public and yet another at home.  In other words, he is the last person to profess that they have a firm grasp of who they are and what they stand for.

Last night it was funny, because I can see all the ways that statement is delusional and far from the truth.  Of course, laughing me got me raged at me with the subsequent silent treatment that is extending into today.

Today I'm wondering if by that he had a moment of introspection and really meant he knows he's screwed up and has issues. 

On second thought, he has never been capable of introspection in the past, so I doubt that explains it.  Do they really believe this stuff, or do they hope that simply by saying it we will believe it? 

[Ironmanrises]

He said, "I know who I am."  This is coming from a man who is an accomplished chameleon, whose personality changes daily, sometimes multiple times daily, depending on who he is around; the one who borrows an accent here, a saying there, a way of walking here, and way of dressing there.  In other words, the person he is changes with the wind. He acts one way in public and yet another at home.  In other words, he is the last person to profess that they have a firm grasp of who they are and what they stand for.

According to wikipedia: In ancient Roman religion and myth, Janus is the god of beginnings and transitions, hence also of gates, doors, passages, endings and time. He is usually depicted as having two faces, since he looks to the future and to the past.  Janus presided over the beginning and ending of conflict, and hence war and peace. The doors of his temple were open in time of war, and closed to mark the peace. As a god of transitions, he had functions pertaining to birth and to journeys and exchange.

Perhaps this disorder was well known back then too, the creation of this myth of Janus and thus a Janus-faced entity perfectly describes the behavior often associated with a pwBPD.

According to wikipedia:  As a god of motion Janus looks after passages, causes actions to start and presides over all beginnings, and since movement and change are bivalent, he has a double nature, symbolized in his two headed image.

"I know who I am" from a pwBPD is scarily accurate to which personality is present at that given moment; the original side that you encounter pre-trigger(idealization) and the other side that you encounter aft-trigger(devaluation/discard). My exUBPDgf told me the same line too. Of course the person believes it. To not do so would be admitting to self negation by the pwBPD, a literal death to self. A convoluted mess, a Janus-faced entity. Just my opinion.

[Moonie75]

I'm not as clever as Ironman so I'll continue with my take on this statement... .



What a d!ck.

[Ironmanrises]

I'm not as clever as Ironman so I'll continue with my take on this statement... .

What a d!ck.

That would suffice too.  Atrocious behavior that is hurtful beyond words.

[fromheeltoheal]

My take is a borderline has an unstable self image, one of the official criteria, meaning who he thinks he is changes on the fly, something you're clearly familiar with.  The thing that became evident with my borderline ex was not only the way she changed, her personality was situation-specific and she could seem to be a different person depending on who we were with, what we were doing, what time of the month it was, anything, but the largest factor seemed to be how much emotional enmeshment there was with whomever was present; her kids were massively influential, and all but the youngest one intimidated her.

So the creepy thing about the serious mental illness is yes, he does think he knows who he is in the moment, but his definition of himself changes rapidly, and here's the clincher, he didn't know it changed!  If you were to bring up something he said or did that represents a very different him, there's no way he could connect with the fact that he's different now than he was then; reflection and introspection like that are not available to him from inside the disorder.  No wonder "a pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships" is also one of the official criteria; those of us trying to keep up with the disorder need to be extremely flexible and turn on a dime, as I'm sure you're well aware, which is nice in a sense because we get to be in relationships with lots of different people, meets our needs for variety, although there is no reliability or stability to be found.  Not for me, way too painful, gotta go.

[karma_gal]

My take is a borderline has an unstable self image, one of the official criteria, meaning who he thinks he is changes on the fly, something you're clearly familiar with.  The thing that became evident with my borderline ex was not only the way she changed, her personality was situation-specific and she could seem to be a different person depending on who we were with, what we were doing, what time of the month it was, anything, but the largest factor seemed to be how much emotional enmeshment there was with whomever was present; her kids were massively influential, and all but the youngest one intimidated her.

So the creepy thing about the serious mental illness is yes, he does think he knows who he is in the moment, but his definition of himself changes rapidly, and here's the clincher, he didn't know it changed!  If you were to bring up something he said or did that represents a very different him, there's no way he could connect with the fact that he's different now than he was then; reflection and introspection like that are not available to him from inside the disorder.  No wonder "a pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships" is also one of the official criteria; those of us trying to keep up with the disorder need to be extremely flexible and turn on a dime, as I'm sure you're well aware, which is nice in a sense because we get to be in relationships with lots of different people, meets our needs for variety, although there is no reliability or stability to be found.  Not for me, way too painful, gotta go.

I guess this is part that I struggle with.  How can he NOT know that he is changing so rapidly, so frequently?  I mean, the changes are so incredibly drastic that I just can't bring myself to understand how he doesn't see this.  For instance, he started working with someone who was from the Ukraine, so he started talking for months in that accent.  How does he not realize he's using a completely different accent and sounds stupid doing so because it's not his native tongue?  It was to the point where I would say, "Quit talking like X.  You aren't from the Ukraine, have never even been there, and you sound stupid talking like that."  He would argue with me and swear he wasn't talking like that, even though I just heard it.  This stuff just baffles my mind because I can't make sense of any of it. 

Trust me, I like variety as much as the next person in my life but this is beyond anything I had in mind!  I literally cannot relate to him because I have no clue who I'm talking to from day to day.  And then when he says stupid things like he's got a firm grasp on who he is, I just look at him like he's got three heads, because I think he truly believes what he's saying. 

[Perfidy]

Because of shock and denial I saw the BPD mechanism raw and naked. She was telling me all about her new life and I said to her " the only identity you have is his." Her reply... ." So? When I was with you your identity was all I had." This was before I had a better understanding of some of the BPD traits. So glad is done and over.

[Learning_curve74]

So the creepy thing about the serious mental illness is yes, he does think he knows who he is in the moment, but his definition of himself changes rapidly, and here's the clincher, he didn't know it changed!  If you were to bring up something he said or did that represents a very different him, there's no way he could connect with the fact that he's different now than he was then; reflection and introspection like that are not available to him from inside the disorder.

I guess this is part that I struggle with.  How can he NOT know that he is changing so rapidly, so frequently?  I mean, the changes are so incredibly drastic that I just can't bring myself to understand how he doesn't see this.

It's because he is mentally ill and you are not. I believe there is a spectrum of awareness among pwBPD, but that doesn't mean they can control or understand what they are doing consciously. It's like he's red and green colorblind -- where red and green look the same color -- and you think he should be able to see green traffic lights to go and see the red traffic lights to stop. You don't understand because you see red and green as different colors, but to him they are not different colors at all! The consequence is that he can't understand stopping on red and going on green.

[broken but not beaten]

Looking back on several occasions after the breakup mine always said to me "I didn't change"... .as if to convince me or even herself otherwise. Also got told that when things were happy between us she meant all the nice loving things she said. I read that as they only feel what they feel in that moment,still heartbreaking none the less

[babyducks]

I guess this is part that I struggle with.  How can he NOT know that he is changing so rapidly, so frequently?  I mean, the changes are so incredibly drastic that I just can't bring myself to understand how he doesn't see this. 

I like learning curve's description of being colorblind.   That's a great comparison.

It appears to me that not only do people with this disorder have an instable sense of self,  they also have an intense belief in their own perceptions despite facts to the contrary and deny the perceptions of others.

In other words they don't process information the way you and I would and because of that can't accept anyone else's information as valid.