Hmmm, why do I do this?

[Mara2]

I have had a very difficult last two weeks with my BPDH.  He went into a psychotic mania, was diagnosed bi-polar on top of his PD, and I am now considering a restraining order to keep him away from me and the kids. 

What I am now asking myself is, why do I give in to him?  When it comes down to acting on what I need to do for me and the the kids, why do I not respond?  Why did I let him take a vehicle, which he now is driving erratically all over town?  Why did I let him have the laptop when he told me that he wanted to look up information for his tractor that needs fixing.  Sound reasonable at the time. 

When I am talking with others I know what to do, but when it comes down to do it I really hesitate.  I think partly because I don't want to provoke something so that reconciliation is impossible.  I think there are some issues of self worth involved here too.  Any thoughts?

[PrettyPlease]

What I am now asking myself is, why do I give in to him? 

... .[snip]... .

I think there are some issues of self worth involved here too.  Any thoughts?

Lack of self-worth would be one I'd investigate, yes. Is this a pattern from your family of origin? Were you in this role before with somebody, at a young age?

The other one that comes to mind is fear. This could be physical fear, or psychological (which would have had a base of physical fear when it was first developed, also in early childhood probably).

And the two -- lack of self-worth, and fear, would end up working together I think.

Without knowing more of your history, just this post, that's what comes to mind. Do you have someone you could talk to about these things, in person -- a therapist, relatively objective friend, pastor, or the like?

PP

[Mara2]

Boy, did you ever hit the nail on the head.  When I read your post I burst into tears and could not respond, but have been thinking about it all day.

After learning about BPD I came to realize that my mother shows all the signs.  I grew up thinking if I was just good enough she wouldn't yell.  Of course, that never worked out but I never stopped trying.  I will be 50 very soon and just last year I stopped trying to please her in my mind all the time.  Progress, but not healing. 

As an adult I found out that from birth she was jealous of my relationship with my dad (I was the first girl and his little princess) and she spent much of her time trying to prove that she was better than me.  But that insight didn't come until long after I escaped. 

Now I find myself once again in the same kind of relationship trying the same old things (what is the definition of stupidity again?) and feeling the same feelings.  And giving in. 

I'm finding it much harder to break the patterns laid down in early childhood than I thought it would be.  Someone told me they are like blackberry bushes- no matter how many times you cut them down they come back bigger and badder than before.  I'm finding that to be true. 

[PrettyPlease]

I'm finding it much harder to break the patterns laid down in early childhood than I thought it would be.

They are hard, yes. I have my own that I repeated for decades. But I think learning about them, making them conscious, is a good step. We can learn to notice not only when they start, but the context just before they start, the triggers, and make a change in our actions so that they are nipped in the bud (to lead into the fruitful blackberry analogy, which I'd like to get to    ).

And also I think learning about them can allow us to see the whole multi-level plan of our inner connections -- what we're trying to get by our pattern, and how it's actually counter-productive and not getting us what we want at all. And sometimes when we've learned enough a  goes on in us and we just don't do it anymore. At least that's happened for me a couple of times. Not always, I admit. Some of them are pretty stubborn. So... .

Someone told me they are like blackberry bushes- no matter how many times you cut them down they come back bigger and badder than before.  I'm finding that to be true. 

Yes, but even with blackberries there are options. (I live where there are lots of big healthy ones, always expanding, so I've had some experience with this.) Cutting them back and then planting a nice tight hedge works. They'll shoot out a runner every once in a while through the hedge to see if I'm still there, and I just cut it off. 

And of course it's possible to really do the job -- burn the roots. That'll show the f--kers.   

But before that extreme measure, you can also try learning to like the berries. Really great berries. I have two quarts in the freezer from last August that I'm still enjoying.   

Of course, you can't get too close without protection (like, good boundaries), but if you're suited up well you can take what you need and escape. 

OK, I apologize if I've gone over the top with the analogy a bit. Cabin fever probably. 

PP

[Mara2]

Cabin fever or not, it made me smile and that is what I need right now.  Thanks.