Can you be friends with them...

[State85]

Ya I suspect my ex is either having problems with her new boyfriend(s) (she says they aren't in a r/s), but I've been lied to before... . or she is just setting me up for those times when she is alone... . but she has the orbiters. Don't pull my number b$&$@ch, I'm not available!

I'd love to enlighten these guys... . nah, I wouldn't. Crash and burn guys... .

[Learning_curve74]

I believe you can be a friend if you are nonattached. That is a bit of a problem since there is typically a certain level of attachment when it comes to friendships. I say "nonattached" instead of "detached" in that I personally think of detached as separated/apart without emotional investment, whereas nonattached can be involved but not taking it personally when they go "dark" on you.

But yeah... . a conventional friendship probably isn't going to work for most people and a BPDex.

[blueeyedjess]

My stbex is all about the "friendship" but he can't give me a clear definition of what that means to him.

I know we'll still have to be friendly as we have a 10 year old son together and will have to work out a bunch of stuff about and for him, but being "friends" is a little too far fetched for me. Ugh...  

[alliance]

I wrote this answer in another thread in regards to the same topic, bears repeating.  I've lived it, this is from experience.



Being friends does not work, been there, done that.  And here's why, their interpretation of "friends" means sending you mixed signals to keep you hooked, you wanting things to be as they were, them wanting you around to be useful, you jumping at every chance to take the crumbs they throw down, them relying on you for their emotional caretaking, you being depleted/sucked dry and getting no support in return, them deciding that maybe you've been as useful as you can be, you trying even harder to keep up the 'connection', them pushing you farther and farther away, you thinking to yourself, "what have I done now", them finally making you crazy enough to end things, them writing you and telling you the friendship didn't work because YOU were too dependent or "entertwined"  Yep, that's how that goes... .

Go, now, away... . Don't be here in three years like I am, learn from my ill fated faux relationship

CiF

WOW this is so spot on I spewed my coffee. No matter what the issue, it is all about them... . what they need, what they want, what they can get, what they manipulate. And, everything is always your fault, including inclement weather. 

[Changingman]

They have no friends!

They have long distance people they call friends, they are monsters.

Mine has just burned the friend I introduced her too for her new job and lied and manipulated her to side with her when she had an affair with the investor. Now she owns the investor and my friend is left in the s***, when people act immorally they are immoral and eventually you will get burnt.

They were never our friend, they were monsters eating away at being human, all the worst for us when the monster fully appears. They started to abuse us the minute they met us, it just was disguised:

self hate as idealising you

Terminally doomed as princess's helplessness

domination as sexual passion

perversion as freedom

hate as love

Pathological selfishness as Generosity

Friendship? They are literally not capable of it. These attributes are so precious we have forgotten there beauty... . but we here have been reminded in the hardest way possible... . what is worth and what is worthless.

Friendship, come on!

They are our enemies and treated us as enemies from the start. We got involved that's where it all went wrong.

NC

Love to all

[free-n-clear]

she was blasting me for things that she feels I’m not doing right…

But today, the last text read “I just want to be friends, that is all”.

     NO. NON. NYET. Friendship with a BPD ex means you still cop all the negative stuff - lies, rages, etc. because you have been more than just friends, and will therefore continue to trigger them (through no fault of your own). As for the positive stuff, she'll be giving that to someone else. So what's in it for you except more hurt, more expense, and eventually the pain of starting the detachment process all over again?

[MrConfused]

Being friends does not work, been there, done that.  And here's why, their interpretation of "friends" means sending you mixed signals to keep you hooked, you wanting things to be as they were, them wanting you around to be useful, you jumping at every chance to take the crumbs they throw down, them relying on you for their emotional caretaking, you being depleted/sucked dry and getting no support in return, them deciding that maybe you've been as useful as you can be, you trying even harder to keep up the 'connection', them pushing you farther and farther away, you thinking to yourself, "what have I done now", them finally making you crazy enough to end things, them writing you and telling you the friendship didn't work because YOU were too dependent or "entertwined"  Yep, that's how that goes... .

You've got it - To an absolute T. You are never quite sure where you stand with them as they say onething yet do another. Mixed signals everywhere. They have no issue with throwing you a bone when they think they'll benefit from it, but will never let you do the same to them.

I believe you can be a friend if you are nonattached. That is a bit of a problem since there is typically a certain level of attachment when it comes to friendships. I say "nonattached" instead of "detached" in that I personally think of detached as separated/apart without emotional investment, whereas nonattached can be involved but not taking it personally when they go "dark" on you.

This is also true, it's incredibly hard not to take things personally when they go dark on you. If *any* friend did that I'd worry about what I'd done wrong & how to fix it, but the issue is... none of my other friends would have done it in the first place because they are... friends! Friends work issues out instead of ignoring/going dark on each other.

[free-n-clear]

They have no issue with throwing you a bone when they think they'll benefit from it, but will never let you do the same to them.

      Ain't that the truth.

[Pretty Woman]

So many awesome points here.

ChangingMan has one that really resonated with me:

"When people act immorally they are immoral and eventually you will get burnt"

He also brought up a very valid point.  My ex has 1... . yes 1 actual friend here. This friend is someone she leans on only when she needs her.

Notice the word: NEED. She ignored this chick for months when dating me but as soon as she is done with me, she becomes her crutch, her "best pal".

My ex would talk about all her friends from 20yrs ago. All friends she will text or occassionally call. She talks about them like she just saw them yesterday for coffee when it's been like five years!

The rest of her friends are exes that are either now married, with someone or so removed from her bullsh_t they don't really care anymore. All these exes are out of state and phone/text/FB buddies.

The best opportunity she had of making friends was through me. Now, she is dating one of those friends. Once she screws that up she will be back to her "back up friend" as this new girl and I are in the same social circle. She won't be able to hang with any of these people once she burns the new one.

[MrConfused]

My stbex is all about the "friendship" but he can't give me a clear definition of what that means to him.

Yeah. Mine was always on about wanting to keep a friendship but never told me exactly what that meant. Things I'd ask her to do or we would do as friends set off alarm bells in her head that I was getting too close and I'd get yet another "I just want to be friends" message from her. It was bizarre (& draining)

[Cardinals in Flight]

So many awesome points here.

ChangingMan has one that really resonated with me:

"When people act immorally they are immoral and eventually you will get burnt"

He also brought up a very valid point.  My ex has 1... . yes 1 actual friend here. This friend is someone she leans on only when she needs her.

Notice the word: NEED. She ignored this chick for months when dating me but as soon as she is done with me, she becomes her crutch, her "best pal".

My ex would talk about all her friends from 20yrs ago. All friends she will text or occassionally call. She talks about them like she just saw them yesterday for coffee when it's been like five years!

The rest of her friends are exes that are either now married, with someone or so removed from her bullsh_t they don't really care anymore. All these exes are out of state and phone/text/FB

EXACTLY the way it was with the XBPDgf!  She ignored even her two or three closest friends until she needed them, and the same with people out of state.  It's allll smoke and mirrors, everything they say (general statement I know) has tiny facets of truth like shiny facets of a diamond, you can't really pick em out.

Dang, when my rose colored glasses came off, they really came FREAKING OFF 

CiF

[State85]

I started this thread and have read so many good responses I thought I would summarize those that really need repeating:

“Lets build a friendship”…So that I may destroy you once again as soon as you get close to me, and you will see me for the horrific person I really am, that I do not wish to see in myself…you served this role before, so why not again.

“Friends”…Are we as Nons truly willing to accept that we are one of their triggers, and will be again.

It doesn’t matter if they want to be friends, the question is do we?

These people think they are God’s gift to the world. My ex, and another who posted here stated his ex actually said “it is o.k. if I texted her first sometimes” Really?, we need permission?

Why would we even want to be friends with someone who uses you, treats you like crap, turns you inside out and your world upside down, and drops you like yesterdays garbage when convenient to do so?

This person jacked around with your heart and treated you like shyt. Is that what you want in a friend? So now they have you as a backup to run to when their new relationship doesn’t work. So they can triangulate you and use you as leverage against some poor schmoe who is now in the place you once were? Then as soon as they get “serious” with the new person, they dump you as a friend because the new person has a problem with them being friends with their exes.

They only want you when they NEED you. That is a user, not a friend.

Why would be go through this with them as friends, with even less boundaries now because you are not in a r/s.

“You are my best friend, I will always be here for you”. Ya, I’ve heard this as well. My best friends don’t contact me and paint me black all over again.

They will only communicate when THEY want to, and on THEIR terms. What kind of friend is that?

They want to be friends with us so they don’t have to reflect and think bad of themselves for what they did to us.

But they want us when it suits them, and only for their needs. They can’t accept we left because of their behavior.

Mine, as well as another poster, had our exes multiple times telling us to eff off….yet she is the one who needs to talk. And apparently can’t talk to anyone else.

Friendship serves only them and prolongs our healing.

With friendship there is trust, and honesty. Any of ya’ll get any of that when in a r/s, and why do you think you will get it now?

Their interpretation of “friends” means sending mixed signals to keep you hooked, them wanting you around to be useful, you jumping at every chance to take the crumbs they throw down, them relying on you for their emotional caretaking……

They don’t have the qualities I look for in a friend. My friends don’t lie to me, they don’t verbally or physically assault , or financially abuse me.

No matter what the issue, it is all about them…what they need, what they want, what they can get, what they can manipulate. And everything is always our fault.

They were never our friend in the beginning, they are literally not capable of it.

Sorry this was so long. As a side note, I haven’t heard from my exgf since the barrage of bashing texts followed by “lets be friends” texts a couple of days ago. Guess she is busy……...