Hello hergestridge.
some of what you describe sounds like you are at a breaking point . You and your kid have to come first, there is only so much you can do to help your wife. Don't be shy of asking for help from the outside - this drama stuff can be isolating.
(My wife has developed an almost phobic reaction pattern towards "being told of", which has actually led her to accepting dangerous situations.
Just an example:
She's on quite heavy medication and she's been forgetting things, so I've been forced to remind her (in a friendly tone) to do things like put away sharp knifes and not let the lihtium pills lie on the table. She now claims that our three year old can handle a knife and that the lithium pills are hard to get out of the box... . so it's really ok. Just give the kid the knife to show daddy that he's wrong... . )
I know there are techniques and stuff, but... . to me the thought of subjecting myself and my daughter to a load of abuse and never respond in the way that is natural for a person to do, but to respond in way that a professional person does (using various "techniques". Does it sound livable? Does it sound healthy?
This does not sound healthy on many levels! She is ill and medicated - she is certified not healthy. That is restricting your options. Accepting and taking it more into account may help somewhat. In the described situation
Forgetting to put away pills - this is indeed dangerous. You are right that this forces you to act - a life is at risk. Is she forgetting it intentional? Not likely, it is more likely disassociation from BPD and medication. Will reminding her help in this case - not likely either as she lacks control over the causes. Reminding her only makes her feel helpless and a blow-up can happen. Safer storage of smaller quantities of pills under your supervision, keeping the child under constant supervision or removing it from the household are all options that have an impact on the risk of poisoning. As you seem to be in some contact with her T it may be also worth taking it up there that you perceive problems with the safe use of the drug and see the the child at risk. The T is in part responsible for creating the situation so it is only fair to look for help from that corner. None of these possible approaches are simple, risk and pain free but in any case the solution can not be through the person that is out of control.
The knifes same story - she is not doing it intentional. However trying to control her behavior is invalidating and
getting her upset. Telling you that knife play is safe for a 3 year old is then only the logical conclusion - not because she believes it but because she senses it is a sure way to
get you upset too. Now both sides are upset and the wife receives her dose of validation: The world is mad.
There are two approaches here:
S: You're busy and may have not noticed.
E: X is quite lively and moving around a lot. Also grabbing what it can and sticking it into the mouth. I wonder what happens if X gets the small fingers on these sharp knifes. I'm really worried.
T: How do we keep X safe here?
Note: She has no initial emotions here (other than situational ones being busy. There may be also surprise (which can be connected to fear)) as she has no awareness of the problem. You however have a lot of emotions stored up. And that will be felt and will cause her to react asap without even hearing you out! Laying them on the table will clarify that you have concerns and are not acting aggressive. Also playing on mother instincts may give you a lever. Finally instead of prescribing a solution asking her to come up with one may also be better perceived.Another option are boundaries - removing the child from the kitchen etc...
As hard as it is your wife is ill and she is not always acting as an adult. Trying to indirectly control her (to get her to control herself) is sometimes futile or backfiring.
Has anyone managed to be "straight" in the communcation with their BPD SO and made it work? Straight in the sense "if your're angry, I'm angry back"? My experience with my wife is that's the only communication that she understands. But she can't tolerate it, because she breaks down.
The S.E.T. technique doesn't seem to quite do it because whatever reasonable conclusion we end up with she goes into the "Why am always I the bad one? Why am always I the one that did something wrong?"
Always the same thing. It's the blame game, and she lost. She goes to hospital.
From what you wrote your wife is super, super sensitive to invalidation. Possibly constantly a bit dysregulated and close to total dysreguation with bouts of getting stuck there leading to hospitalization. Straight talk - even delivered in a well made SET sandwich - will be hard to swallow for her - often too hard. Yes, it would be great if you could give her some feedback and directions to help her coping better but at the moment clearly she won't tolerate a big dose of T.
Using SET to get a grip on the situation puts you at the mercy of her (and while she is not deliberately cruel (but may choose instinctive cruel means to upset you) she is incapable). At the moment appealing at her rationale side has limited hope as she is too emotional. And while you are trying hard and often get SET right it leaves you feeling helpless - giving control in hands unable to control.
That leaves you
- validation - helping her to regulate emotions and making sense
- boundaries - with a focus on that you have control over consequences. You act.
One of the more urgent problems is that my wife is too fixated with issues surround meals and hygiene that has to do with our daughter. It's taking up half our spare time or more, and every meal and bathtime is a pain because of... . mommy's rage. And talking about it will be like this. I've started go get the "evil eye" when I've mentioned that she will have to cool it a little, and I know there will be real trouble if I want to really talk about it. It might very well end up in hospital.
Hmm, difficult. Raging around a small child does not sound good at all. Can the conflict parties somewhat be separated at least at times?
It is hard to leave me with the child alone (validate abandonment) and sure you think you can do it better but you deserve a break? Discussing it with her will be difficult and it will take
initiative and
acting to implement any changes to your current dysfunctional routine. Again
talking will overload her - she is way too sensitive.
I also feel the same way as you do about weekends and holidays, for me and the kids it's a time to relax and reload the batteries. She doesn't know how to relax, even when by most standards "most things are done" she finds something new to do, for example doing the laundry at 8 p.m. on a Sat evening. If I dare confront her about that she'd explode, I have in 10 years not found a single way to deal with that.
Dysfunctional behavior for sure. But how damaging is it? There could be worse. Snapping rubber bands at the wrist is better than cutting the wrist. The behavior is somewhat obsessive compulsive but keeping busy and things clean are not that much damaging. She has to regulate her emotions and if this is something the keeps her calm - good - she got a tool to fix herself and uses it. Rather than trying to stop it in general plan to limit the impact it has on you e.g. avoid being locked up yourself at home by her 8pm "duties" and e.g. go to the movies with the kids (leaving it up to her to join or not). It is important to pick our battles.
hergestridge, it is not your responsibility to fix your wife and control her behavior. She ill and while she may get better (and more approachable for discussion) right now you can only wait that therapy takes hold (it is not unusual for them first getting more confused) and cope as well as you can (validation, boundaries). From our tools other than these there is only
Radical Acceptance for family members of her being an ill, forgetful, very sensitive, emotional vulnerable person not able to carry the load of an adult. A load that you have to carry and which at times seems to much. It may make sense to seek out professional support for yourself as it is not healthy to be constantly in an overwhelming situation.
How do I make this livable?
This is valid question and I don't have many answers. Putting yourself and your child is key. You can't control her but you need to protect yourself. Real boundaries are not controlling but protecting. She still will not like it and behave like
it was a fist in the stomach.
but you don't have much options and it is her problems when she walks into a wall and hurts her head. By all means avoid conflict (JADE, indirectly controlling SET) but start establishing a few boundaries that matter (particularly safety and protecting your own energy) - ones you believe so strongly that you don't cave it. She will dysregulate with any boundary but if it is defensive and you avoid JADE maybe it blows by. And if she is hospitalized would that be unhealthy for any one involved?
This is a tough way to start the year ,
a0
