Their thinking is SO bizarre

[Depression = 72% of members]

Well, I was a bad girl and got into a back and forth via email today until I blocked this email address to... . and the list of blocks keeps growing.

What kills me though, is this quote from his email:

The bottom line is this... .

You and I didn't work out, we don't get along without effort from both sides, that's not right and we both know it.

Is it me being unrealistic or isn't that what a relationship is about, both people putting effort into making it work.  We never had fights, we never shouted or said nasty things til he started sabotaging things.  What we HAD was something calm and stable and extremely normal and satisfying in my end.  I guess I'm the flawed one. 

[sirensong65]

Well, I was a bad girl and got into a back and forth via email today until I blocked this email address to... . and the list of blocks keeps growing.

What kills me though, is this quote from his email:

The bottom line is this... .

You and I didn't work out, we don't get along without effort from both sides, that's not right and we both know it.

Is it me being unrealistic or isn't that what a relationship is about, both people putting effort into making it work.  We never had fights, we never shouted or said nasty things til he started sabotaging things.  What we HAD was something calm and stable and extremely normal and satisfying in my end.  I guess I'm the flawed one. 

[patientandclear]

He's trying to rationalize his choices & he doesn't have the skill set to make the necessary effort; it probably does seem impossible to him.

One phenomenon I'm more & more aware of from all our stories is these faux philosophical stances they arrive at to make all these messy endings seem OK in their minds. Mine is now very into this idea that nothing lasts forever, enjoy it while it lasts, etc. I'd have loved to know that was his framework from the outset rather than hearing all about going through time together. But if you don't know how to change things, I guess I can understand why you try to explain it all to yourself as something other than a massive lifelong tragedy.

[Turkish]

He's trying to rationalize his choices & he doesn't have the skill set to make the necessary effort; it probably does seem impossible to him.

One phenomenon I'm more & more aware of from all our stories is these faux philosophical stances they arrive at to make all these messy endings seem OK in their minds. Mine is now very into this idea that nothing lasts forever, enjoy it while it lasts, etc. I'd have loved to know that was his framework from the outset rather than hearing all about going through time together. But if you don't know how to change things, I guess I can understand why you try to explain it all to yourself as something other than a massive lifelong tragedy.

Yes. Mine thinks everybody abandons, everybody cheats. She convinced herself I did the former (some truth to that, emotionally), then did both to me. She also doesn't trust men. How can one have a healthy, stable r/s with someone like that? You can't. She will try again though. She thinks she learned some things from our time together. Maybe she did, but her internal script plays on. It's inevitable. Maybe she will find her "guru" someday, but that isn't a healthy r/s either, heavily loaded. Not my business anymore.

She is trying to process the r/s as if it were normal when it was anything but. Most do, all fail.

[sirensong65]

His idea of a good relationship makes no sense.  He was married once for 7 years I think, and two of those years they didn't even live in the same house.  He always wanted to compare us to that relationship, would hold it up as the standard, and it ended in divorce... wth? 

He would compare and say, "we have too many communication issues, my ex and I never fought or argued about anything."

No, you didn't, because you said most of the time, she either didn't live with you, or would go down to the basement and get drunk with her brother. 

Healthy, very healthy... .

[fromheeltoheal]

Yes, relationships take work, but there has to be a level of compatibility to begin with or it's just too much work, and probably won't work.  I just plain wasn't compatible with my ex, which is actually a relief once I learned she has a serious mental illness; what would it say about me if I was compatible with that?

Try not to conclude that you're the flawed one.  Everyone's flawed, some more than others, and a borderline preys on your weaknesses as part of the pathology; believing it will trash you self esteem, something to look at strongly as you detach.