Moments of sanity... do BPD have them?

[Monarch Butterfly]

Can a pwBPD have a deep inner moment when they do acknowledge the truth, do accept what they have done, not only say they are sorry but seem to feel it too, and seem to understand my side of what went on? Is this really possible? Can they see what is going on with others besides themselves and really come to terms with reality (completely on their own, without T) as if a light bulb just went on?

Or is he just trying to recycle me?

[caughtnreleased]

Personally, through my experience I think intellectually they can understand that they have done wrong. Mine "knew" it all, but I don't think he actually understood it since he has continued with all the patterns that are described on these boards.  To truly have moments of "emotional" sanity... . ie: emotionally understand and accept responsibility for what they do, that's what takes the long hard slog through therapy.  Otherwise, they are just "moments" that come, and go, and it's very likely that they'll retract these words of sanity, during their moments of disregulation.   He told me he didn't know why he'd told me all those things (about what a bad person he was, and that he needed help), which at the time I had understood as sanity, true understanding, and wanting to get better. But they were none of those things.

[Moonie75]

I believe yes they do. But usually when it's too late. I feel they only face things as best they can when they've blown it & it's too late! That's the only time they have no choice but to face the consequences of their actions.

[Blessed0329]

My ex would have those moments. He would go home, come back the next day and be clear and lucid, and, well, normal. He would apologize for his actions, and say things that made sense. My mistake was believing he'd had some kind of breakthrough, when it turned out these were only temporary, brief moments of clarity. The illness always overtook him.

[fromheeltoheal]

Technically someone with BPD isn't insane, but a borderline uses cognitive distortion to cope, which is in that direction. My ex would very much connect with the negative impact she was having after I confronted her, feel intense shame, and then start warping reality and blaming me to feel better. Shtty way, creates win–lose situations and uses fabricated facts, but that's the best she could do. I wished once, just once, she'd stay with her emotions in the here and now, but that was not to be, they where just too strong.

[Turkish]

Personally, through my experience I think intellectually they can understand that they have done wrong. Mine "knew" it all, but I don't think he actually understood it since he has continued with all the patterns that are described on these boards.  To truly have moments of "emotional" sanity... . ie: emotionally understand and accept responsibility for what they do, that's what takes the long hard slog through therapy.  Otherwise, they are just "moments" that come, and go, and it's very likely that they'll retract these words of sanity, during their moments of disregulation.   He told me he didn't know why he'd told me all those things (about what a bad person he was, and that he needed help), which at the time I had understood as sanity, true understanding, and wanting to get better. But they were none of those things.

This... .  Almost exactly with mine.  she's says she knows she is " sick"  but once a  month therapy isn't going to help her much.  She usually stopped when she us feeling better.  Outright refused meds that were suggested for her emotional dysregulation.  she'll be the same... .  just somewhere else doin hopefully.  finding someone to lead and guide her,  as she says... .  She needs to date a therapist,  basically. A  highly codependent one with a low self esteem who can take the abuse.

[Octoberfest]

The sanest moment my BPDex ever had was three days after our final breakup, after I ended things with her after finding out she was AGAIN  dating someone else at the same time as me (cheating again). She said "I was never good for you. You are so much better of a person than I could ever dream of being, and as sad as that is we both know it is true. So just forget me OK. Forget about all of the garbage I brought in to your life and go be that amazing man I know that you are."

I wish I had taken that and run. Instead I took it as her being the victim again and I wanted to make her feel better. Continued talking to her some for the next two months before I went nc

[patientandclear]

Like caught unreleased shared, me ex had a few intense moments of awareness he shared w/me. Once he told me he thought he had an attachment disorder. But days later he said never mind about that, not sure why he said that, there's nothing to fix. Then he started a new r/s.

[santa]

Technically someone with BPD isn't insane, but a borderline uses cognitive distortion to cope, which is in that direction. My ex would very much connect with the negative impact she was having after I confronted her, feel intense shame, and then start warping reality and blaming me to feel better. Shtty way, creates win–lose situations and uses fabricated facts, but that's the best she could do. I wished once, just once, she'd stay with her emotions in the here and now, but that was not to be, they where just too strong.

Bingo!

Same thing with mine.

[Monarch Butterfly]

So from what I'm reading here, my uBPDh probably has realized that I really do want a divorce, and yes, I am serious about leaving. He and has finally come to terms with what happened and admits his part in all this. But if I do take this as a sign of hope, and change my decision, he'll just go back to doing what he does. I wish this moment of sanity would be long-lasting, like forever. Thank you all for the tips. They describe my situation perfectly.

[heartandwhole]

So from what I'm reading here, my uBPDh probably has realized that I really do want a divorce, and yes, I am serious about leaving. He and has finally come to terms with what happened and admits his part in all this. But if I do take this as a sign of hope, and change my decision, he'll just go back to doing what he does. I wish this moment of sanity would be long-lasting, like forever. Thank you all for the tips. They describe my situation perfectly.

Yes, unfortunately, a pwBPD cannot change with simply a realization.  The defense mechanisms are too deeply ingrained.  It requires intense therapy over time, and a firm commitment to change.

In my situation, pwBPD was in therapy, very aware of his issues, had several breakthroughs – taking responsibility, remorse, empathy– and still fell back into the destructive patterns.  Healing doesn't happen overnight.   

[Pearl55]

Monarch butterfly

They do not have SANITY moments, not at all. Intellectually they comprehend right and wrong, lie and truth,... . but they don't FEEL it so these are only WORDS which come from their intelligence levels with NO feelings what so ever!

 

When you say I love you,your words should match your actions but in borderlines their feelings are works separately from their intelligence. When feelings are not match with intelligence their words means NOTHING.

[caughtnreleased]

So from what I'm reading here, my uBPDh probably has realized that I really do want a divorce, and yes, I am serious about leaving. He and has finally come to terms with what happened and admits his part in all this. But if I do take this as a sign of hope, and change my decision, he'll just go back to doing what he does. I wish this moment of sanity would be long-lasting, like forever. Thank you all for the tips. They describe my situation perfectly.

Yes, unfortunately, a pwBPD cannot change with simply a realization.  The defense mechanisms are too deeply ingrained.  It requires intense therapy over time, and a firm commitment to change.

In my situation, pwBPD was in therapy, very aware of his issues, had several breakthroughs – taking responsibility, remorse, empathy– and still fell back into the destructive patterns.  Healing doesn't happen overnight.   

Mine told me he had BPD (at an inappropriate moment of course), agreed that he needed help, but then later said he felt he'd received all the therapy that he needed, the rest of the work was up to him now... .   I thought this was true realization on his part, and serious willingness to change.  It was not.  He just found a replacement who seems to be a love addict, and told me when he was seeing me he was going through a bad phase. hahaha! I guess if life is a phase, yeah it was bad phase.

[Waifed]

So from what I'm reading here, my uBPDh probably has realized that I really do want a divorce, and yes, I am serious about leaving. He and has finally come to terms with what happened and admits his part in all this. But if I do take this as a sign of hope, and change my decision, he'll just go back to doing what he does. I wish this moment of sanity would be long-lasting, like forever. Thank you all for the tips. They describe my situation perfectly.

Yes, unfortunately, a pwBPD cannot change with simply a realization.  The defense mechanisms are too deeply ingrained.  It requires intense therapy over time, and a firm commitment to change.

In my situation, pwBPD was in therapy, very aware of his issues, had several breakthroughs – taking responsibility, remorse, empathy– and still fell back into the destructive patterns.  Healing doesn't happen overnight.  

Mine told me he had BPD (at an inappropriate moment of course), agreed that he needed help, but then later said he felt he'd received all the therapy that he needed, the rest of the work was up to him now... .   I thought this was true realization on his part, and serious willingness to change.  It was not.  He just found a replacement who seems to be a love addict, and told me when he was seeing me he was going through a bad phase. hahaha! I guess if life is a phase, yeah it was bad phase.

Yea, I would love to tell my ex that I can predict how every one of her future relationships will go, but there would still be no realization on her part.  As my "P" says about his BPD patients "They just think that they have a bad picker".  

[Turkish]

So from what I'm reading here, my uBPDh probably has realized that I really do want a divorce, and yes, I am serious about leaving. He and has finally come to terms with what happened and admits his part in all this. But if I do take this as a sign of hope, and change my decision, he'll just go back to doing what he does. I wish this moment of sanity would be long-lasting, like forever. Thank you all for the tips. They describe my situation perfectly.

Yes, unfortunately, a pwBPD cannot change with simply a realization.  The defense mechanisms are too deeply ingrained.  It requires intense therapy over time, and a firm commitment to change.

In my situation, pwBPD was in therapy, very aware of his issues, had several breakthroughs – taking responsibility, remorse, empathy– and still fell back into the destructive patterns.  Healing doesn't happen overnight.  

Mine told me he had BPD (at an inappropriate moment of course), agreed that he needed help, but then later said he felt he'd received all the therapy that he needed, the rest of the work was up to him now... .   I thought this was true realization on his part, and serious willingness to change.  It was not.  He just found a replacement who seems to be a love addict, and told me when he was seeing me he was going through a bad phase. hahaha! I guess if life is a phase, yeah it was bad phase.

Yea, I would love to tell my ex that I can predict how every one of her future relationships will go, but there would still be no realization on her part.  As my "P" says about his BPD patients "They just think that they have a bad picker".  

I  told mine that a while ago.  She knows it on some level,  hence all the motivational stuff she's latched onto.  no difference.  yes,  they think,  the next one will give me what I need!  no matter. I  know her inside and out like no one ever will,  unless she can stay with someone for a decade.  not likely.

[Ironmanrises]

Yes. When the the pwBPD returns to a normal emotional baseline after passing through dysregulation.

[DownandOut]

The sanest moment my BPDex ever had was three days after our final breakup, after I ended things with her after finding out she was AGAIN  dating someone else at the same time as me (cheating again). She said "I was never good for you. You are so much better of a person than I could ever dream of being, and as sad as that is we both know it is true. So just forget me OK. Forget about all of the garbage I brought in to your life and go be that amazing man I know that you are."

I wish I had taken that and run. Instead I took it as her being the victim again and I wanted to make her feel better. Continued talking to her some for the next two months before I went nc

Mine gave me a similar story when I broke it off with her. Telling me she respected my decision and that one day I'll find someone and it will "take" - isn't that a funny word to use, "take?" It's as if she sees relationships as being some kind of leech looking for a host to latch on to. It's strange because many times my ex has made comments like this in which she was able to describe her disorder without actually identifying what it was. It kind of makes me think she knew.

[Pearl55]

Downandout

They exactly know that they are not normal and something seriously is wrong with them but change is scary for them and they keep becoming leeches to people for their needs to be met because they are only 3 year old and are not able to take responsibility!

They always find another host!

[seeking balance]

Can a pwBPD have a deep inner moment when they do acknowledge the truth, do accept what they have done, not only say they are sorry but seem to feel it too, and seem to understand my side of what went on?

yes

But by definition of the disorder, this is likely not sustainable and a maladpative coping to the pain this creates will kick in.

Or is he just trying to recycle me?

It helped me to depersonalize when I reframed this thinking to - THIS is the maladptive coping style mentioned above.  It isn't about you, it is the reaction to the deep emotional turmoil the pwBPD has.