Intimacy

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

Ok I am confused at this point with intimacy.  I am 3 months out of my probably 8-10th recycle and I am finally done.  Here is my loaded question for the day... . What does intimacy mean to you? What does it mean to your pwBPD? 

My exUBPDgf would usually say at the tail end of the relationship that it was lacking intimacy.  This was at the same time that I would feel as connected to her as I ever did.  So there was a disconnect there.  But like most things with this disorder we call BPD, I am confused?  What do you think?

[Tincup]

Ok I am confused at this point with intimacy.  I am 3 months out of my probably 8-10th recycle and I am finally done.  Here is my loaded question for the day... . What does intimacy mean to you? What does it mean to your pwBPD? 

My exUBPDgf would usually say at the tail end of the relationship that it was lacking intimacy.  This was at the same time that I would feel as connected to her as I ever did.  So there was a disconnect there.  But like most things with this disorder we call BPD, I am confused?  What do you think?

[charred]

Initimacy is being in a close personal relationship with someone... we all get that... but there is something more... had to look around to nail it;

Genuine intimacy in human relationships requires dialogue, transparency, vulnerability, and reciprocity.   (from wikipedia)...

We crave intimacy... it is like seeing your emotional reflection, being validated. With a pwBPD... we accept sex, and empty assertions as a substitute for genuine intimacy. Many of us keep people at arms distance to protect ourselves, the pwBPD blows past our boundaries... and since they seem to be giving us what we most want ... we ignore the boundary busting... later it irks us. The transparency we need to trust someone typically isn't in the BPD r/s, and reciprocity is pretty much an illusion as well.

Brene Brown has a lot of material on this, might check her books, TED talks out.

Daring to Trust by David Richo is best book I have seen on understanding the back and forth of trust/intimacy in an r/s... . you have to forgive yourself, and learn to like/trust yourself to be vulnerable enough to be capable of good intimate relations with people.

[sirensong65]

I have thought a lot about this myself.  Because during the initial stage of the relationship, we were, of course... in heaven.  All seemed right.  After about four months, his desire waned and I didn't remember how bad it got til I stumbled on an old email I write him about it.  Now, granted, he was having male issues at the time.  But even with that, I remember asking why we couldn't even be affectionate (cuddle, kiss, hold one another) or why he couldn't at least "help" me. He said he no desire for any of it.

Now, I am wondering is this when the devaluing stage began.  Or was he starting the relationships outside of us already at this point and I was no longer exciting.

But, you are right about one thing.  It seemed when we got past the new stage and into something where I felt more relaxed, happy secure, is when he seemed less engaged or intrigued.

[Pretty Woman]

I will be honest. After being dumped so many times our sex life became non existent. For me, sex is very emotional and intimate. For me to have sex with someone who doesn't value me enough to stay, was just not working.

So we were sexless the last 4-5 mo. She would cry about it but I was almost dead inside over her betrayals. But she kept leaving (having sex with an ex and running back).

The fact she kept coming back to me in my opinion means our closeness was probably more solid than sex. I do feel she felt connected to me. She was raped by men and women and abused. I genuinely loved her. Her last reason for leaving me was that I was not "vulnerable" nor present in our relationship.  It is hard being vulnerable when someone is calling you a self absorbed cun_, but hey that's just my opinion. 

[Ironmanrises]

The death knell for a star is when it starts to produce Iron... . If it is of the right size and mass, a supernova will follow.  Intimacy is the same thing when it comes to a pwBPD. That is what triggers the pwBPD to turn into that horrific other side. That very side we are all too acquainted with; the side that eventually lands all of us here, on this forum. As soon as intimacy intensified in my relationship with my exUBPDgf in both rounds, that signaled the end of days to come.

[fromheeltoheal]

Intimacy to me is the pinnacle of human interaction, comprised of vulnerability in an environment of mutual trust, respect and caring, where we can be ourselves completely, to the core, and be accepted by someone who is doing the same.

Intimacy to my borderline ex was both painful and mysterious.  She was convinced, as are all borderlines, that abandonment was inevitable, people are ugly and life is pain, so getting close to someone meant the possibility of more pain than keeping an emotional distance and being in control.  Also, in my opinion my ex stopped maturing in her teen years, and really had very little clue what the world was about and what healthy adult relationships entail; she just didn't have the maturity to go there, and even if she did, she wouldn't have because it's too threatening.  When, 3 months into the relationship, she said "back when we were lovey-dovey" I should have walked, since to me a healthy relationship is lovey dovey for a very long time, but noo, I can fix this, that abuse is just because I haven't figured her out yet, and once I do, we're going to have that stellar relationship I've dreamt of.  Oh well, I'm still going to have it, and apparently I needed to go through hell to prep me for it; live and learn.

[Tincup]

In the beginning of the relationship the first time our sex life was great, but it boarder lined on pornstar (no pun intended).  But after a couple of recycles I found that I had no sense of security in the relationship deep down.  I think I knew it would end and not be a permanent long term thing.  I think deep down she knows she hurts people and knew that it probably wouldn't last.  But she was way attached and that was not a good thing. 

It is funny that she craved the beginning stage, sex to her=intimacy.  To me I loved the closeness that I felt toward the end when I felt the relationship was maturing and getting stronger.  The beginning stage, although great is/was not going to last forever in any relationship.  You want the relationship to grow and mature.