Fell off the wagon... need to get back on..

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

I don't know how it happened... but he snaked his way back in... showed up yesterday at my house with this "epiphany"... . made a million promises-future, rings, moving in, great sex, etc... . plans for the weekend... . Then he goes home and texts that he is getting ready to "start his skin cancer treatment... today"... meaning I won't see him for 2-3 weeks. I call BS on that... . He wasn't supposed to start till next Wednesday... so he was able to get the cream and start the chemo in an hours time... righhttt... just great. He got ego stroke, attemped to rehook me, sex and now a free pass for the weekend and next few weeks. He also added me back on FB and I can see he is right back to his shady messaging. Now what? I feel like I can't abandon a guy on "chemo"   Also worth noting, after a few drinks he told me he went to this particular bar last Saturday... the one where "she" works... . I think my face said it all bc he was heavily questioning why I reacted that way. I didn't tell him anything... .

I regret breaking NC and letting him in... . I want out... Please forgive my weakness... I dont know what to do now. I have a terrible, terrible gut feelign going on.

[sadinnc98]

I don't know how it happened... but he snaked his way back in... showed up yesterday at my house with this "epiphany"... . made a million promises-future, rings, moving in, great sex, etc... . plans for the weekend... . Then he goes home and texts that he is getting ready to "start his skin cancer treatment... today"... meaning I won't see him for 2-3 weeks. I call BS on that... . He wasn't supposed to start till next Wednesday... so he was able to get the cream and start the chemo in an hours time... righhttt... just great. He got ego stroke, attemped to rehook me, sex and now a free pass for the weekend and next few weeks. He also added me back on FB and I can see he is right back to his shady messaging. Now what? I feel like I can't abandon a guy on "chemo"   Also worth noting, after a few drinks he told me he went to this particular bar last Saturday... the one where "she" works... . I think my face said it all bc he was heavily questioning why I reacted that way. I didn't tell him anything... .

I regret breaking NC and letting him in... . I want out... Please forgive my weakness... I dont know what to do now. I have a terrible, terrible gut feelign going on.

[MrConfused]

I feel like I can't abandon a guy on "chemo"

You can. The level of pain he's inflicting on you is doing as much damage as any cancer. Please don't let that be a reason to keep seeing him.

[seeking balance]

I regret breaking NC and letting him in... . I want out... Please forgive my weakness... I dont know what to do now. I have a terrible, terrible gut feelign going on.

You are not the first, nor the last to do a version of this, none of us are done until we are done, but each time, you will learn a bit more about yourself and each time is closer to the last time - so chin up.

You don't need our forgiveness - can you forgive you?

[sadinnc98]

I feel like I can't abandon a guy on "chemo"

You can. The level of pain he's inflicting on you is doing as much damage as any cancer. Please don't let that be a reason to keep seeing him.

What do I say?  He is using the excuse that his skin is basically fried not to see me... . I was thinking about going to check out the bar this weekend and see if he is in there... he will be.

[sadinnc98]

I regret breaking NC and letting him in... . I want out... Please forgive my weakness... I dont know what to do now. I have a terrible, terrible gut feelign going on.

You are not the first, nor the last to do a version of this, none of us are done until we are done, but each time, you will learn a bit more about yourself and each time is closer to the last time - so chin up.

You don't need our forgiveness - can you forgive you?

Yes I can... . I want this to be over... I know this is so very wrong. My gut is throwing up major red flags... . screaming at me to get the heck out... . NOW.

[MrConfused]

What do I say?  He is using the excuse that his skin is basically fried not to see me... . I was thinking about going to check out the bar this weekend and see if he is in there... he will be.

That's just it. Usually you want your loved ones close to you if you're undergoing treatment like that. To push you away when you want to be there for him is just... incredible & you're right, in the meantime he'll likely find plenty of time to do other things. He's using you & it's cruel.

[sadinnc98]

What do I say?  He is using the excuse that his skin is basically fried not to see me... . I was thinking about going to check out the bar this weekend and see if he is in there... he will be.

That's just it. Usually you want your loved ones close to you if you're undergoing treatment like that. To push you away when you want to be there for him is just... incredible & you're right, in the meantime he'll likely find plenty of time to do other things. He's using you & it's cruel.

I know... I texted and offered to bring pizza/beer and to watch a game/movie on Friday and said let me know if you feel up to it... He wrote back... Will do.thanks.  He won't... . and I swear to you I know he didn't start that treatment...

[bpdspell]

I say listen to your gut; it's trying it's best to protect you.

I recycled with my ex in the hopes that he would see "me" and see the "light" of truth that "we" were meant to be together….I wanted this even when I knew my ex had started idealization and sex with someone else. When the new supply did something he didn't like he came back to me. But of course he'd slip up and mention her name and how she'd been calling him and really laying it on thick to me in a most disrespectful way. It's called Triangulation and the only way out is to remove one of the legs off the three-legged stool.

Having rainy day conquests and ex's on the shelf is what they do to NEVER be alone with their sick minds.

There was something inside of me telling me to drop my desperation and get out but I didn't want to lose. But in reality I was already losing by allowing him to chip away at every ounce of self-esteem I had left.

No one on here can judge you. We've all been there. You get up from the table when you're full. Forgive yourself. You're human but protect yourself moving forward. STD's are a reality and some you cannot give back.

Whether he's in cancer treatment or not you do not trust him and that's reason enough to give yourself boundaries.

Spell

[MrConfused]

I know... I texted and offered to bring pizza/beer and to watch a game/movie on Friday and said let me know if you feel up to it... He wrote back... Will do.thanks.  He won't... . and I swear to you I know he didn't start that treatment...

ah & I'd bet money on him getting in a strop/ignoring you if you ask him again during the week if you're on for Friday.

[sirensong65]

YIkes, I was looking on her for you yesterday and when I saw no posts, I was afraid something like this happened... .

Don't beat yourself up but DO realize your gut IS trying to tell you something... it's you B.S. meter going off.

He's the cancer in YOUR life.  Start YOUR treatment now.  Excise the tumor.

[sadinnc98]

YIkes, I was looking on her for you yesterday and when I saw no posts, I was afraid something like this happened... .

Don't beat yourself up but DO realize your gut IS trying to tell you something... it's you B.S. meter going off.

He's the cancer in YOUR life.  Start YOUR treatment now.  Excise the tumor.

Do i look like a heartless B?

[Pretty Woman]

You owe this man, this "cancer"-which he is to you, nothing.

Do you hear me, Sweetheart? Where the hell was he when YOU needed him?

If you had cancer would he have come back for you?

I put myself in this scenerio after my break up in October. She dumped me 6x in 15mo, sometimes for exes this time because she wanted to "see other people"... .

and sadly I knew who my replacement was the moment she said that (a mutual friend, I trusted).

You cannot trust a thing these people say. It changes by the second. This time I am convinced if I had a papercut she would dump me. It didn't matter how ridiculous the reason is.

If I were laying in the hospital hooked up to life support, while she is splitting me black... . she would not be there. She could care less if I died or not.

You are not being a "heartless B" you are loving YOURSELF. You do not deserve this. You need to love you... . that is what's missing. You are giving everything to someone who CANNOT give you love. He cannot sustain the emotion. His contacting you is because he NEEDS not because he LOVES. He needs something from you and once he gets it he will move on to another to give him what he NEEDS.

You owe him nothing. I cannot stress that enough. Each re-engagement gets worse. I am in serious therapy and even contemplated suicide. I am an educated, social woman with an opera background as well as comedy writing. She (my ex) has no interests except mimicing and mirroring mine, and here I am about to end my life?

What the hell is wrong with that picture?

Yes, I contemplated killing myself over some a-hole who is running around f'king peoples lives up and will continue to do this until the day she either kills herself or ends up in prison for killing someone else.

Do youself a favor... . and yes it hurts like hell. Walk away. Change your number if you have to. Do not worry what he or anyone else thinks, the people who matter will support you. You are #1, do you hear me? You have supported someone who has used you and your good heart and love long enough!

I hope you don't feel I am being harsh but this pisses me off. If my ex ever shows up all she is going to get is a door in her face.

It's time to take a stand. Make 2014 a year of change... . in a good direction.

All of us are here to support you along the way.



Earth

[MrConfused]

Do i look like a heartless B?

No no no, don't think this. He clearly doesn't give a damn about your feelings so not caring about his feelings doesn't mean you're a heartless B at all. *He* is the heartless person in this relationship, not you.

[seeking balance]

Whether he's in cancer treatment or not you do not trust him and that's reason enough to give yourself boundaries.

This is quite wise.

[sirensong65]

Well, listen... you have to make the decision on your own.  No one can make it for you.

I wish you luck.

[sadinnc98]

I want to do this and know it is the right thing... . I look foolish and I know it... this whole situation is just a train wreck... . I need to get my life together-I feel that all areas are lacking due to him and the fallout... .

[Pretty Woman]

Sad,

  I know how hard this is... .

we all do. You need to do whatever you can to save you.

I would never want to put you in my shoes but it does get worse and each time a bit more of you dies.

[sadinnc98]

each time a bit more of you dies.

Yes... . I feel this way. Right now I feel like a used piece of trash... he came here, put on this glorious show... sex... etc... then went cold and back to messaging his friend. This is on me though... I shouldn't have let him in... I KNEW last night that this was going to happen... knew when he left this AM that he would go cold... .

[Pretty Woman]

He does it because he CAN. How dare he have sex with you, want you there for him and then he is texting another woman?

That is something I would never tolerate with my ex and I have been there. When I was in college my first boyfriend went back and forth between me and another girl. We both hated each other.

What about the a-hole that was using us?

You will constantly repeat this cycle in your life until you take a stand.

Are you afraid to be alone?

My therapist, a wise woman asked me that and I said yes.

She answered: weren't you alone this whole time?

Think about that awhile.

[Cardinals in Flight]

Sad,

I don't mean to sound cold, but he's got some topical skin cancer cells, and he's using a cream to kill that top layer of epithelial cells home!  Its not like he has lung cancer, or a brain tumor, and is taking chemo or having surgery.  His skin is going to look like raw hamburger for a few weeks, yanno? Kinda like your heart is NOW

Brush yourself off, get back on the horse and ride Sally ride... .

CiF

[sirensong65]

RIDE SALLY RIDE!  INDEED!  Love that!

[LoveNotWar]

Sad,

Hey, don't beat yourself up for letting him back in. You wanted to trust him; that willingness to take a chance even after he showed his BPD ways says you are a person willing to believe in people, in relationships and in love.   That's an awesome quality just don't waste it on someone who doesn't deserve it.

He is, again, showing his BPD ways. So now you know, that's the REAL guy. He's a pw/BPD. Period. That's who he is. Just think of him as Mr. Manipulative and ask yourself if this is a pattern you want to continue to repeat.

Actually you seem to have a pretty clear picture of who he is. Time to move on lady! You can do it! 

LNW

[patientandclear]

I just want to pat myself on the back! On your last thread, I believe I posted that since you weren't responding as he expected you to to his "move on" message & then to his "missing you" messages, you should expect his to ramp it up to try to get you to bite. Et voila!

He will do what he needs to to get you to respond in the way he wants you to. You are supposed to provide something for him & when you aren't doing that, you have to be re-hooked or devalued. Right now he believes he can re-hook you. Once hooked, you've provided your service & he wants it from someone else too.

Ugh, right?  I know how compelling that focused attention can be. Just remember, he always has the capacity to turn on that tractor beam. But it won't stay on. Knowing that, maybe it will lose its power. It has for me.