Need ideas on how to get extra time

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

My SO just got back from a meeting with the L. Him and his uBPDx were never married and SO is going through the process of getting a custody order for his D8. He's trying for primary.

The current stance of uBPDbm is that she gets SD8 during the week M-Th and we get her every weekend F-Sun. Reality looks like this: we pick up SD8 on random school days so we can see her (lack of) school progress and we have most weekends depending on whatever BM feels like on Friday. It's chaos.

L wants us to establish 8 weeks of "habit" where we have an extra day during the week to flip the ratio to 4 days us, 3 days her. Of course, it's impossible to do anything with consistency with BM and she does everything in her power to block us from seeing SD8 during the school week (including pulling her out of school early or keeping her out of school entirely).

L suggested signing SD8 up for an activity or therapy on thursdays to gain us an extra day. I'm guessing BPDmom won't listen to a suggestion like that coming from us.

Any ideas or experience on how to gain extra time? BM responds to money so maybe we could purchase it. Ugh.

[Thunderstruck]

My SO just got back from a meeting with the L. Him and his uBPDx were never married and SO is going through the process of getting a custody order for his D8. He's trying for primary.

The current stance of uBPDbm is that she gets SD8 during the week M-Th and we get her every weekend F-Sun. Reality looks like this: we pick up SD8 on random school days so we can see her (lack of) school progress and we have most weekends depending on whatever BM feels like on Friday. It's chaos.

L wants us to establish 8 weeks of "habit" where we have an extra day during the week to flip the ratio to 4 days us, 3 days her. Of course, it's impossible to do anything with consistency with BM and she does everything in her power to block us from seeing SD8 during the school week (including pulling her out of school early or keeping her out of school entirely).

L suggested signing SD8 up for an activity or therapy on thursdays to gain us an extra day. I'm guessing BPDmom won't listen to a suggestion like that coming from us.

Any ideas or experience on how to gain extra time? BM responds to money so maybe we could purchase it. Ugh.

[Free One]

Keep really good documentation of everything - particularly missed school times. I don't think a court would see that favorably.

Otherwise, pour it on thick and sweet to mom - make her think any changes are benefiting her or making her life easier. 

[Matt]

Here's how it worked for me... .

Our settlement said 50/50.  My kids were 9 and 11 at that time (2008).  My attorney told me, "This is the best a father can hope for in this state, unless the mom is super-duper-crazy.  But you will end up with more time if you play it cool - she won't want them half the time."  She was right.

I moved to a place near their school, so they can walk home after school, even on Mom weeks (or sometimes I pick them up).  I got them computers and internet access, so they can do their homework here (even on Mom weeks).  Sometimes they come over on weekends to do homework (and whatever else) online.

I picked a nice home in a safe, quiet neighborhood.  When they have sleepovers with friends, it's here, not at Mom's place, which isn't so nice.  My daughter makes money baby-sitting, and my son makes money shoveling show - both in my neighborhood -  more reasons to stay here.

Any time their mom asks me to take them, I do, if I can.  Any time they want to come over here for some reason, I say OK if I can.

I also work hard to be a good father - I listen and try to help with their stuff, and I provide structure, which is important at these ages.  "Structure" sounds like a bad thing - I give them jobs to do, and I set some rules like bedtimes - but they both respond positively to it most of the time.

Over time, "50/50" has morphed into about 90/10 for S15 and about 70/30 for D17.  Both kids are doing great - very good grades, well behaved, healthy and happy.

Our court order still says 50/50, and I still pay child support (which makes no sense but I don't want to fight about it).

[broken3]

No disrespect but , oh please?, pour it on thick and sweet.?

That and one dollar will get you a cup of coffee. It just feeds them.

Ask every single day for extra time.Every single day.  Establish a pattern of requesting more time and helping them with homework etc.Document every single day.

After a month or two. You then have established a pattern. You are showing that you can and will do what is necessary for the benefit of the children. And also that you can " share".

When the other party cannot.

It's about the kids.