Do I validate the projection of feelings?

[empath]

Ugg... .  

I've been recovering from a bout of the flu for a little over a week now, so I'm still feeling physically tired. Last night, we had a late night in getting to sleep, and our kids are back at school today. The net result was that I got much less sleep than I really needed, but I still have to do something today that is going to require alertness and concentration.

uBPDh 'suggested' that I do the task early this morning -- said that it was a 'way to help'. I mentioned that I was going to need some more sleep before I could complete the task. A few minutes later, he said he was 'worried' about me and that I seemed to be 'depressed'.  He said it has been going on longer than I have been sick, and then he voiced a 'concern' about how I would ever hold down a 'full-time' job.  I said that I certainly didn't feel depressed and seemed to generally have much more energy and happiness than I have previously. I asked him if there were any specific things that he could point to that indicate a 'depression'. He said no, but he thought I might need medication or counseling. So, after he left, I did a few 'screening' tests for depression -- nothing that would indicate a problem. I've been doing a lot of things that keep me healthy: exercise, eating right, working on new projects, etc.

He struggles chronically with depression/stress/feelings of unworthiness and incompetence. He has talked a bit about his depression lately and had some added stress in his worklife with some of the changes that he has had to make. He also has abandonment issues with my working -- it is really quite scary for him which makes him act out a bit (long conversations or interactions when I am preparing to leave, failing to follow through on household tasks assigned to him). On a longer term basis, my employment is something that he has a difficult time emotionally handling. We have talked about that as well. So, the conversation feels like a 'projection' of his feelings onto me; he is depressed (we both know that) and is concerned about how he will handle my working full time.

Personally, I think the trigger for this conversation was something that someone else mentioned to him yesterday about the potential for me working more permanently.

So, the question:  I'm not sure how to handle it. Do I empathize, saying I hear the fear and feelings of inadequacy that he has -- but that isn't really what he thinks is happening. What do I do when my pwPBD projects their feelings and attributes them to me? We have the added issue that other people are putting pressure on us to increase our income and my own employment situation.

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[Chosen]

Hi empath 

I think it's quite clear that your H was projecting his feelings onto you, at least in part.  But you're also right that this is not his reality; his reality is that "you seem depressed".

What I might do is to validate his feelings and "concern", but not encourage his reality.  I may say "Hmm.  What you're suggesting is certainly helpful for when I'm feeling depressed.  That's a good suggestion.  I think I'm not depressed now, so we'll see."

I guess that validates his "concern" (meaning, if you are depressed, you will do what he said) but also you're saying his "reality" of your mental state is not the truth.

Do you think he'll accept this reply?

[an0ught]

Hi empath,

Personally, I think the trigger for this conversation was something that someone else mentioned to him yesterday about the potential for me working more permanently.

So, the question:  I'm not sure how to handle it. Do I empathize, saying I hear the fear and feelings of inadequacy that he has -- but that isn't really what he thinks is happening. What do I do when my pwPBD projects their feelings and attributes them to me? We have the added issue that other people are putting pressure on us to increase our income and my own employment situation.

It is good that you have some awareness of his trigger but try not to manage it. He will be triggered - can't help him here.

It may well be projection at work here so the question is: How to handle projection?

Validation 101:

a) Validate the valid

b) Do not invalidate the valid

c) Do not validate the invalid

d) At times if really needed then you have to invalidate the invalid

So let's start with the most important one - YOU. You were a the receiving end of projection. How do you protect yourself from it? If it is very strong projection - boundaries. Minor projection - self validation. If confused seek validation from a in reality grounded party. In your case it sounds like you are perfectly able to self validate here - no confusion on your side.

So what is your motivation of giving feedback to H? Is it important? Is it because you want to help him? Of because you are upset about him being wrong? If it is important that he gets the real facts you are dealing with the case d) - he has a confused picture of the world and it needs to be set right. Speaking of "set" as you have time it would lead naturally to S.E.T. with a clear focus on the pertinent and solid facts. We are not really dealing with a lot of facts here as projection is a bit a more fuzzy topic... .

In this case it may well not be critical to correct him but still important to give some feedback. In that case one could build on what is correct in his thinking and do some open self validation sharing some emotions that go through your mind.

Is it worth directly addressing the projection? Not necessarily as it would just point out a defect in his thinking increasing shame. The projection is a symptom of BPD and trying to focus on symptoms tends to backfire. Having said this if he is deliberately working on getting a grip on projection he may appreciate occasional feedback in small doses but uninvited better not. We are not a T.

Then there is the aspect that H is not fully aware of own underlying emotional drivers. This may best be handled independently from aspects related to your own situation. Generally it is better to keep aspects concerning him and yourself separate whenever possible as pwBPD do have some problems related to boundaries and self awareness. Mixing these aspects in the same conversation too much is not helping. Contrasting them however may be dialectical and can sometimes be useful to see the whole picture provide H is calm enough to handle it.

So, the question:  I'm not sure how to handle it. Do I empathize, saying I hear the fear and feelings of inadequacy that he has -- 

but that isn't really what he thinks is happening  (definitely no "but" and maybe "what" if it is not too far out and he feels attacked and gets defensive)

& what you see what is happening

& what you perceive as needs for you as a couple: We have the added issue that other people are putting pressure on us to increase our income and my own employment situation.

Can you see the difference? You had most the pieces together so it is mainly a matter of positioning, tuning and emphasis:

- less judgmental on his projecting behavior instead main focus on his emotional drivers

- facts on your view for which YOU take ownership. It is your view only - not the final truth. You suffer from inadequate information and some distortions too. We all do.

- maybe showing his side too without focusing the differences much. There is no need to pick a winner here.

- final synthesis focusing on couple as a unit

Finally you could focus on validating the valid. While H attributes some emotions to you that are not correct he does promote healthy behavior like doing important stuff when rested. This makes perfectly sense to me and I suspect to you as well. Having awareness and promoting healthy behavior is a good thing and should receive positive feedback. Yes it is projected on you but it is also affirming his believes which for these self-care/self-management aspects are a good thing. Also he is showing concern for you - another positive aspect and emotion that deserves enthusiastic validation.

A healthy relationship has 5 validating interactions for one invalidating one. In our desire to give feedback we have to be mindful to strike the right balance.

[empath]

He didn't really 'accept' that I don't 'feel' depressed, but he usually doesn't believe what I tell him about myself anyway. During our conversation, I said that I appreciated that he was concerned about my well-being. The issue of his reality not being consistent with my reality is a sensitive point for him. He became upset about something yesterday (I'm not sure what it was) and was quiet/silent for most of the evening yesterday. Finally, he asked if I was mad at him about something. I wasn't and told him so.

In our earlier conversation, I didn't mention the 'projection' or my own analysis of his concerns. At this point, any discussion of his reality not being based in facts or being consistent with my reality is a potential trigger; I don't usually go there. If I need to convey things that are not consistent with his understanding, I try to stick with facts. He didn't really support my getting more rest before completing the task that I needed to do.