Focus on emotions, not words?

[kelkay]

Can someone give me an example of how that is supposed to work?  Im not sure I understand .

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[waverider]

If someone is dumping a whole lot of accusations on you, especially if they are a whole lot of trivial issues. Don't get hung up on the subject matter as they are just vehicles for expressing emotions. It is too easy to go through these accusations trying to disprove them with logic.

To a pwBPD that just shows that you are not listening to the fact that they are hurting, you are actually more wrapped up in defending yourself, thinking of yourself rather than them which was the point of the drama to bring the focus onto them. So they get madder, you get more frustrated, the gap widens.

Letting the words go and simply acknowledging they are upset, and often the issues are lessened as they have got the message across.

[kelkay]

And how do you respond to that?  I now understand the part about not listening to the words, but Im not sure what to say to him.

[waverider]

If in doubt ask questions. He really wants to talk about himself, not you, but doesn't know how. Put the ball back in his court. If it gets abusive then its boundary time.

Demands> Disengage

Abuse> Boundaries

Do not get sucked into defending yourself against diversionary accusations, its a waste of energy and you only get entrenched in side issues.

[SweetCharlotte]

Yes, and you can try translating his statements into feelings, without being patronizing.

I can tell you are afraid/angry/sad . . .

How can I help?

[kelkay]

He usually has demands with insults to me.  He wanted to talk a few weeks ago and actually sent a text msg saying, "we will talk about what you want to achieve, and what I want to achieve in this relationship".  I started off by saying, " I dont know how you were raised, but as far as insults?  I dont not respond to that. Do not insult me because it does nothing for the conversation, Its not a form of communication".  I said my part on what I want to achieve, which is pretty basic things, that we work together on our problems, that we get our incomes built up and buy a house, etc.  His turn?  Insults, yelling, telling me he could get more sense from a five year old child.  There was nothing said about what he wants to achieve. The next day he tells me we can talk again since I was so illogical. I dont argue with his insults, I ignore them. I tried to set a boundries at the start and that was ignored by him. The thing is, as I was talking about what I want to achieve, I could see him getting angry, for no reason that Im aware of. I talked calmly, I stuck to the topic, the most harsh part of my talk was telling him I do not communicate with insults.

[waverider]

He usually has demands with insults to me.  He wanted to talk a few weeks ago and actually sent a text msg saying, "we will talk about what you want to achieve, and what I want to achieve in this relationship".  I started off by saying, " I dont know how you were raised, but as far as insults?  I dont not respond to that. Do not insult me because it does nothing for the conversation, Its not a form of communication".  I said my part on what I want to achieve, which is pretty basic things, that we work together on our problems, that we get our incomes built up and buy a house, etc.  His turn?  Insults, yelling, telling me he could get more sense from a five year old child.  There was nothing said about what he wants to achieve. The next day he tells me we can talk again since I was so illogical. I dont argue with his insults, I ignore them. I tried to set a boundries at the start and that was ignored by him. The thing is, as I was talking about what I want to achieve, I could see him getting angry, for no reason that Im aware of. I talked calmly, I stuck to the topic, the most harsh part of my talk was telling him I do not communicate with insults.

Was this your boundary?

I dont know how you were raised, but as far as insults?  I dont not respond to that

Did you stop communicating once he became insulting?

[kelkay]

Yes, that is my boundry. And yes, I stopped responding after that.

[waverider]

 

We cant make anyone behave, or treat us, appropriately. Only make sure we stand by what is important to us.

[Pou]

If someone is dumping a whole lot of accusations on you, especially if they are a whole lot of trivial issues. Don't get hung up on the subject matter as they are just vehicles for expressing emotions. It is too easy to go through these accusations trying to disprove them with logic.

To a pwBPD that just shows that you are not listening to the fact that they are hurting, you are actually more wrapped up in defending yourself, thinking of yourself rather than them which was the point of the drama to bring the focus onto them. So they get madder, you get more frustrated, the gap widens.

Letting the words go and simply acknowledging they are upset, and often the issues are lessened as they have got the message across.

In my experiences, my NPD wife use endless unfounded accusations as a form of control.  She has escalated to involve police in order for her control to work.  They have no boundaries and will manipulate the system.  You can't ignore them because if you don't comply with NPD 's intention, s/he will eventually accuse you until she gets her way.  In my view, they are extremely dangerous behaviors.

[waverider]

In my experiences, my NPD wife use endless unfounded accusations as a form of control.  She has escalated to involve police in order for her control to work.  They have no boundaries and will manipulate the system.  You can't ignore them because if you don't comply with NPD 's intention, s/he will eventually accuse you until she gets her way.  In my view, they are extremely dangerous behaviors.

Controlling behaviors of a particularly malicious pwNPD are certainly a different ball game than the irrational rantings of a dysregulated pwBPD

[kelkay]

He is doing anything and everything to get his way.  And the reason I stopped responding is because I seen that no matter what I said, it was a waste of time. If he cant get what he sets out to do, he takes things up a notch.

[elemental]

What does he do that gets you to respond after you have withdrawn from the discussion?

I mean how does he approach you that you find reassuring?

[kelkay]

Not understanding your question.  Reassuring?