Porn use

[Depression = 72% of members]

I have a sensitive question and I hope I don't offend anyone.  Do BPD males have a higher rate of porn use and masturbation?  My SO is 50 ish and never had much of a sex life with his ex of 16 years and was very sexually immature and insecure to boot, so he took to the above as a substitute/ stress reliever.  He was upfront and honest about this habit when we got together and has even shown me the content- all legal and run of the mill.  He treats me wonderfully in our own intimate life and always expresses how thankful he is for me that he can finally have a real woman and he loves everything about me in this aspect of our lives.  Calls me a fantasy he never dared dream.  I myself watch porn when we are apart so I'm not a prude but I am struggling with his frequency.  He talked to his therapist who believes it is more of a habit because he turns to it when stressed out.  This is a trigger for me due to my own sexual issues that stem back to when I was 8 years old (read between the lines, I'll not go further). 

Because it doesn't affect our sex life and he treats me like I'm precious, beautiful and deeply loved and desired, what mindset should I have?  He admits to being very sexually insecure and struggles with immaturity and inadequacy issues, so should I adopt a compassionate attitude?  He very openly and honestly shared with me that he fears losing me because he feels inadequate sexually and I'm much younger than him, so we talked very intimately about our own fears and insecurities and this was one of mine.  He assures me this has nothing to do with my own value and worth and spends a lot of energy treating me as such.  Males on this forum- I would like your insight.  What mindset should I adopt?

[izzitme]

I have a sensitive question and I hope I don't offend anyone.  Do BPD males have a higher rate of porn use and masturbation?  My SO is 50 ish and never had much of a sex life with his ex of 16 years and was very sexually immature and insecure to boot, so he took to the above as a substitute/ stress reliever.  He was upfront and honest about this habit when we got together and has even shown me the content- all legal and run of the mill.  He treats me wonderfully in our own intimate life and always expresses how thankful he is for me that he can finally have a real woman and he loves everything about me in this aspect of our lives.  Calls me a fantasy he never dared dream.  I myself watch porn when we are apart so I'm not a prude but I am struggling with his frequency.  He talked to his therapist who believes it is more of a habit because he turns to it when stressed out.  This is a trigger for me due to my own sexual issues that stem back to when I was 8 years old (read between the lines, I'll not go further). 

Because it doesn't affect our sex life and he treats me like I'm precious, beautiful and deeply loved and desired, what mindset should I have?  He admits to being very sexually insecure and struggles with immaturity and inadequacy issues, so should I adopt a compassionate attitude?  He very openly and honestly shared with me that he fears losing me because he feels inadequate sexually and I'm much younger than him, so we talked very intimately about our own fears and insecurities and this was one of mine.  He assures me this has nothing to do with my own value and worth and spends a lot of energy treating me as such.  Males on this forum- I would like your insight.  What mindset should I adopt?

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[Phoenix.Rising]

I don't know if BPD males have a higher rate of porn use.

However, if he is using porn to medicate, or to change the way he is feeling, and he is doing that on a regular basis, then there is reason to be concerned.  Porn use can turn into an addiction for some people, but I have no way of knowing if this is the case for your partner.  If it is the case, though, it will likely cause problems where intimacy in concerned.  Many recent studies are showing that addictive porn use interferes with intimacy in relationships.  Over time with progressive use, it also changes neural pathways in the brain, like drug addiction.  So my suggestion is to be aware and don't be afraid to ask questions.

[SweetCharlotte]

My uBPDh doesn't, as far as I know 

We are friends with a couple in which the H has a porn compulsion. It has been hard for them to deal with. I almost expect to hear that they will break up.

Long ago, I had a bf who was obsessed with the Victoria's Secret catalogues. I would get them in the mail and they would disappear. Then I'd find a stack under his bed. He didn't like porn, just the VS models.   Anyway, that r/s proved to be a dead-end.

How do you feel about him being overly involved with pornography? Personally, I don't think I could accept it.

[waverider]

It is common (or else it wouldn't so prevalent) mostly denied.

Is it actually causing any issues in your RS?

Is it causing you any personal morality issues?

If not then I would just accept it and just be mindful in case it does start to cause issues. Keep an eye open for any signs that he may want to go off and entertain any of these "fantasies" in other ways that you wouldn't be happy with.

Coming down on it would only drive it underground, and make it more of a threat

My uBPDh doesn't, as far as I know 

wonder how many wives think that.

[an0ught]

Hi izzitme,

Males on this forum- I would like your insight.  What mindset should I adopt?

how does it affect you may be more relevant than my opinion as a male. Some women feel very strongly about it and some less. Some know and some don't. Some may be unknowingly affected and some knowingly upset but effect is mainly on them. In the end you yourself have to decide.

There are a few factors specific to this story that may be worth keeping in mind.

- You learned about it earlier and he had been open about it. You may be now changing your opinion - fair enough - but renegotiation is generally not so much welcome and you will be negotiating from a position of weakness.

- He has been open about it. That solves one problem - guilt and shame - which may add to the general problem of fear, guilt and shame in a pwBPD. Him being able to disclose this to you shows that he has at least a grip on that part of his emotional life. If you ask him to stop and he just stops - great. But if this leads to hiding porn with fear, guilt and shame adding on his emotional regulation problem that would not be helpful.

- Porn may serve some emotional need. Taking away this certainly dysfunctional tool or maybe better crutch it is not clear what else he will choose to satisfy this need. In his overall portfolio of dysfunctional behavior where does porn stand? Is it a more disruptive one to the relationship or is it a bit of an annoyance and source of insecurity on your side? In therapy at the beginning often the most dysfunctional behavior like cutting is tackled by replacing it with a less dysfunctional one like rubber bands snapping at the wrist.

- There is a lot of talk on boundaries here on the board. Boundaries are there to protect you and are set up in a way that you have control. Him stopping porn on your request would be controlling him. Maybe this is the only way short of leaving him (which always is under your control). But maybe it is possible to find a way to decrease the impact porn has on you? If talking about it makes you uncomfortable -stop talking with him about it. If seeing it - leave the room. Maybe talk to him and ask for some respect in the sense that he keeps it out of your sight (you like it - I don't - so it is best for both of us to be mindful of the needs of the other) etc...

In the end your needs and priorities have to decide whether to do anything and what to do.

Last but not least: You are relatively new on the board and from your posts it is not clear where you are on using boundaries as a tool on a daily basis. Just in case the basics of stepwise boundary introduction strategy: Every new boundary requires some effort and often going through some conflict. The first ones being the hardest. Not because the change is the biggest but they are the first ones. It is also good not to start having half hearted boundaries all over the place or suddenly implement all. Every one creates some conflict and a relationship can only tolerate so much. So it makes sense to pick your battles where they matter for you most - where you are fully behind it - and be firm in every single one.

[waverider]

At the end of the day it is an obsession, and the most effective way to change an obsession is distracted by another interest. attempting prohibit an obsession leads to denial, deceit and resentment.

Boundaries are back to the wall final stance tools.

What mindset do you have? Dont try to think in a way that is not how you feel

[sm15000]

Because it doesn't affect our sex life and he treats me like I'm precious, beautiful and deeply loved and desired, what mindset should I have? 

If this is the case, and he has been very open about it, I think you need to accept this is part of him.  It seems to be the frequency of his use that bothers you.  I don't know how often this is, and porn use can become a habitual tool and to serve emotional issues, as others have said.  Perhaps, over time, you will see it fluctuate with his moods.

Personally, I knew that my ex was a regular porn user from the start of my 13 yr r/ship.  He also used to talk of his 2 main ex's - one liking and the other not - porn.  This didn't really bother me although over those years he did try and test the waters over whether I would watch it with him.  I never did, it wasn't my bag, and he seemed to accept this. 

However, when things started to go wrong and he was, in hindsight, dysregulating I think his use went up enabled by a stark change in technology that allows you access to all sorts of sexual engagement.  I think he got hooked up in this.  And I don't know if it was his dysregulation, or the intensity of his use of this stuff but he became very objectifying of women, in his language and mindset, and I could notice a difference in our sex life and his attitude towards me.

I suppose it's if this type of thing ever happens, where it impacts on you and your r/ship, is when you will have to bring in boundaries 

[izzitme]

Thank you to all that replied to me. 

Waverider, you asked how it is affecting me (sorry, I don't know how to insert quotes from posts here yet) and the answer is that this is an insecurity of mine that I carry from early teens.  In doing research through old posts here I heard myself described so profoundly that it might actually be a breakthrough for me "If he figures out another woman exists and he finds her attractive then I lose the monopoly and I cease to exist".  Of course I know I still exist but from a very young age I placed a healing value in the sexual relationship in order to get my sense of value and worth and this has had pretty bad consequences and leaves me feeling helpless. Now that I can articulate it this way, I can relay it to my therapist and do a little deeper work.  I have watched porn throughout my adult life and I was open with him about this, so I don't have a morality problem with it, just what I stated above.  Lately I have become bothered by it not because of anything he did or it caused but because my old insecurities are back so I am ironclad that I won't guilt him or make him stop to make myself feel better.  I like your advice of accepting it as part of him and keep an eye open. 

An0ught I guess I need to do a lot more reading here on boundaries, including watching how I respect others' boundaries.  You asked where the porn stands in his life.  He told me that he uses it as a stress reliever and doesn't dwell on it but when he knows we are spending the night together he refrains because he has me to look forward to and wants to save.  He has been very clear that his most important sexual desire is emotional closeness with me.  He is learning and enjoying that intimacy really happens outside of the bedroom and that is what he really craves.  He has reached a new level of self awareness with this and has been able to articulate his own fears/insecurities.  It is the closeness that he wants with me and he apologized and took ownership over the things that he does that hinders this.  At the heart is really my own emotional dysregulation over this issue that, as I said above has roots in childhood, and I will bring it to my T now that I am better able to articulate the feelings.  Thanks again for all that answered!