Finally left my BPD ex for good, need support.

[gravity1]

Hi everyone,

I have been involved with a BPD lover for almost 2 years. When he and first met on my graduation night, a part of me felt whole. We seemed to have unbelievable chemistry, and he was incredibly hard working and wealthy. Everything made sense with him and he seemed to want me to a be a part of his life in a big way. Things fell apart when his body image issues surfaced. He had always been a bit over weight, but I didn't care in any way whatsoever. I found him to be very attractive. He had always expressed issues with his very controlling mother, and she suggested that he go on a juice cleanse to lose weight. He broke up with me abruptly to go on this juice cleanse. He decided to go on a juice cleanse that lasted 2 months, and after losing a tremendous amount of weight he contacted me again trying to reconnect. He was still completely miserable, and would lure me in and seduce me and then drop me abruptly. Each time we reconnected, he would have an incredibly sad story about his family life and I would feel a tremendous amount of pain for him. He would complain of his body image issues, and allude to serious childhood trauma. He would say things like "there are somethings that happened that I will never tell any one about." And describing his "heart being locked up like a box and not trusting anyone." I had also found pornography on his computer that depicted a mother and a sister, so I put the pieces together and truly felt that he had been abused by his mother. I just had a feeling in my gut, and felt horribly for him. I have my own childhood issues, and empathized with him greatly and wanted to help him tremendously.

I eventually left the country to work abroad for 3 months, and he and I had no contact. When I returned from abroad,  we started things up again. When I would catch him a lie about something, he would buy me more lavish gifts and allude to promises of the future of us settling down and having a home together. The cycle of him luring me in and dropping me continued for many more months.

The other night, after final long spell of silent treatment from him when I had offered him genuine care and empathy, something in me snapped and I screamed and screamed at him. I told him I hated him, and that I was disgusted that we ever had a relationship together. At one point, I feel like I lost so much control with anger that I even threatened to tell people about the pornography I found on his computer. I had never even told him I knew about this.

I truly consider myself a kind person, and I have given to him so much for so long that I finally exploded like a gasket. I do know that he has BPD, and severe trust issues due to his trauma and I feel HORRIBLE for activating them the other night when I lost control. In a way I feel relieved, as the next morning I woke up to find that he had blocked me on facebook... something he had never done. I am taking this as a sign that he is truly done with me for good, mostly out of fear I believe. I feel awful, and the guilt truly brings me to tears every time I think about him. I see the hurt child in him, and I never ever meant to hurt him. I am very relieved, because I can truly begin to start healing and stay healed.

I feel like bambi first learning to walk. I don't know where to turn or what to do. I feel like he is all I have had for 2 tears. Writing this out it seems so crazy that I have stayed, but he was so convincing in so many ways. I feel so guilty, and desperately need support. Where do I begin? How do I start healing?

[free-n-clear]

Where do I begin? How do I start healing?

  Hi gravity1.   You've already begun by finding this site. The main thing is to focus on yourself rather than on him, as nothing you say or do will help him or change him. As painful as it can be to leave someone you genuinely care for, it's actually the best thing you can do for them, as well as for yourself.

  There are a lot of resources here to help you get through this. Check out the Suggested Reading list at the top of the "Leaving" board where you posted this. There's also lots of good people here who've been through what you're going through, and I'm sure you'll be getting responses to your post from people better qualified than me real soon (I'm a relative newcomer myself.)

  Hang in there, ok? It isn't always easy, but you'll get there. 

[gravity1]

Hi there,

Thank you so much, from the bottom of my heart, for responding to my post. Even a single post with kind words means the world to me right now when I feel so alone.

I am trying to hang in there, and thank you again!

*Hugs*

- Gravity1

[free-n-clear]

I see the hurt child in him, and I never ever meant to hurt him. I am very relieved, because I can truly begin to start healing and stay healed.

   I can certainly relate to that. When I first found this site, I'd been looking for a way to understand my then-girlfriend and help her. I knew a fair bit of her history so I was very forgiving of a lot of nasty stuff, as I reasoned that it 'wasn't her fault that she is this way'. And in essence it isn't her fault; she didn't choose to be abused and neglected as a child.

   But that doesn't change the end result of that abuse and neglect - Borderline Personality Disorder. There's not a single thing I can do that will change it. As much as I still love her, staying with her and tolerating/forgiving the abuse, lies, infidelity etc. would've just given her the green light to keep doing it to me. Got to a point where I had to say no more, for my own sanity and self respect.

     It's a struggle sometimes. I miss her - the 'her' I fell in love with, not the 'her' that she became once the 'honeymoon' was over. Every time I find myself thinking about her, I log on here. It's been an awesome help. 

[gravity1]

Thank you for responding to my post and I can certainly empathize with loving the person and recognizing that they didn't chose this. I finally got to the point where I knew the only way to keep him away for good, was to do the one thing he was afraid of. I have a tremendous amount of guilt, but am a firm believer in the fact that the answer lies in the question. In essence, why do I feel guilt? Because I actually care. Why am I on this website tonight? Because I REALLY care.

You're right, allowing the behavior to continue is actually worse for them. If they ever have any chance of recovering, it would be us leaving.

I am sorry for all that you have been through, and I can tell that you are a wonderful person!

[fromheeltoheal]

Where do I begin? How do I start healing?

The main thing is to focus on yourself rather than on him

Yes, and even more, start to focus on a future of your dreams, one without him in it.  When we leave a relationship like this, one with a person with a serious mental illness, it is traumatic, literally traumatic, meaning we have experienced real trauma, and the wreckage of that will naturally pull us back into the past and rehash, ruminate, blame ourselves, develop scenarios in our head about what we could have done better, blah, blah, blah.  Not a waste of time mind you, as we process, just don't get stuck there, and a good way is to intentionally focus on a bright future with the healed you in it.

Also, like you say, why do you feel guilty?  Yes, you care, but is there more?  Borderlines are great for uncovering how we really feel about ourselves, since childhood, and that graphic awareness delivered with plenty of pain is actually a gift, a gift we can use to really look at ourselves and areas that still need attention, a time to reparent ourselves.  More will be revealed as you detach, the focus will naturally shift from him to you, help it, and it takes what it takes.  Take care of you and stay here!

[heartandwhole]

Hi gravity1 and 

I'm sorry to hear about your recent breakup, that is really painful.  It's so understandable to feel sad and guilty, the trauma that your partner experienced has affected you, too.    I can relate to your situation, as my pwBPD experienced physical and sexual abuse in his childhood.

Of course you care about him, you are a loving, caring person.  But what many of us have to learn is to include ourselves in that giant circle of compassion and lovingkindness.  I know for me, I gave and gave to him (at least I thought I was giving), but discarded myself by the wayside, denying what I needed and wanted because his needs/wants were always more, and more important. 

I finally realized that this same thing happened in my family of origin, and that my giving was an unskillful attempt to get my own needs met.

Here is a link that might be helpful for you right now.  It's about surviving a breakup with pwBPD.  I found it so valuable when I first came to the site: Ten Beliefs That Can Get You Stuck - Surviving a Breakup with Someone Suffering with Borderline Personality Disorder

Keep writing, gravity1, it helps.  We're here for you. 

heartandwhole

[sadinnc98]

How are you doing now?

[gravity1]

Thank you so much for asking! I went to therapy today, and I feel a lot better. My therapist assured me of how normal it was for people to say things sometimes to push another away at the end of a relationship, and that's what I feel that I was doing. I said the one thing that would finally allow him to leave me alone. I feel that after all he put me through, me threatening him to tell his secrets was an ends to a mean... and I would NEVER EVER act on it. This way, he will leave me alone, and I will finally be free from this awful, awful, cycle that I have been a part of for almost 2 years.

I am aware that the road is not over, and it has just begun. I believe there will be nights when I miss him and crave him and want to reach for him, but I will have to keep writing. I do believe that there may even be a time many months from now that he reaches out to me... as many BPD people do.

I just need to stick to the board, take it day by day, and keep forgiving myself. For once, I am free!

[sadinnc98]

I am very happy for you! You seem to be on the path of freedom from the pain you have endured... and that is great! I am glad your T was able to help you! Have a plan in mind for what you will do when/if you get sad and want to reach out, or, if he contacts you (very likely he will). My advice is NC (although I am not doing well at it, I know it would help). Keep writing, posting and reading here-we are all here to help!

[Perfidy]

Hi gravity. Nice name. I like it.

I know how hard these breakups with disordered people can be and I sure hope that you are doing well right now and I'm sorry that you are going through the pain. There seem to be some fairly distinct reactions from people that experience the intensity of a relationship with a pwBPD. Again, I am very sorry that you are experiencing this. You are right on the money in getting therapy. Keep posting and if I can see where I might be of any help to you I will try. Lots of good people here that understand the nature of disorder. None of us are happy about the reasons why we had to learn. I'm not an expert or a professional by any means. I do have the experience that I can share. I know how hard it was for me. I know how hard it is for me now. I have not fully recovered from this experience and its been almost one year since the shock. I was in the disordered relationship for almost eight years. It's more than just a broken heart. It is all inclusive. The mind,body,and spirit are all severely affected by these complex bonds. It really sucks at first when you have to detach but it gets better.