Well after she cancelled another date at the last minute, I blocked her

[Shawnlam]

Well after she cancelled today I did us both a favor and just blocked her since I can’t take this sh$$ anymore.I just got more excuses and a I wanna see you and love you crap so I went and blocked her.Enough is enough

[Cromwell]

Well done Shawn. I got a few dates that were almost cancelled at the last moment, it was boundary pushing, I think she realised if she wouldnt turn up she wouldnt ever see me again, i told her between the lines. But yea, block her, these mind games are just to give her the satisfaction that she is still able to be in control. Thats the way I see it anyway.

[Wicker Man]

We met at work, so time together was precious and rare.  She was supposed to come see me one evening.  4am that morning I received a text message 'Remember I am young and beautiful'. --I should have ended it.

When I was out of the country for 1 week she went on a date with a mutual friend of ours, she wrote his name in Mandarin, instead of PinYin -so I wouldn't know who it was.  She spent the night with him --I should have ended it.

She gave our home address to a previous boyfriend, who I felt was a physical danger to both of us (mob connected) -- I should have ended it.

On a job she went 'no contact' with me for a week and found a new actor friend.  I sent her a note 'You are putting me through hell'  She replied to this one... .She wrote 'I know'.   --I should have ended it.

Shall I go on?  Frankly, I am getting bored.

Yep -For some reason, which I must attribute to my innate codependency, I still miss her and worry about her well being. 

I was offering her a home, security, safety, hell! I was offering to care for her grandparents!

So my advice is no matter how hard it is to block her now it will only get harder in the future.  So stick to your guns.


Wicker Man

[Shawnlam]

I to had a lot to offer her and in her own words although they were just words, she said I was husband material and pretty perfect.Itsblike they know who we are in terms of being good or bad people and I think to some minor extent that’s why they came to us. <name> and I have been friends for 5 years prior, she’s come to the shooting range with me,dinners with mutal friends ,both of us were with other people and oddly the chemistry was normal”friendly” only.When I got separated from an 8 year relationship (a normal one), after but 1.5 months we started talking.She was making playful jokes like “ mmmm give me that body “ cuz I was on a weightlifting spree last summer.Shortly after we dated  and then went off entire  weekends together (honestly the best weekends I ever had in my life).
I remember this chalet I rented up north it was worth 1.2million beautiful place.We were both sick as dogs but I remember like 1am we walked in the forest totally drunk looking for a abandoned house we found .We were leading through documents found some files “borrows them” and just had a blast ... .first place we were intimate to.God damn it I love that woman ,she took a piece of me I’ll never ever get back as a human being and even with that ... .I’m still in love .

[Wicker Man]

God damn it I love that woman ,she took a piece of me I’ll never ever get back as a human being and even with that ... .I’m still in love .

I told my therapist 'I will never feel love like this again'.  My reasoning for this being -the love I felt was love on an unhealthy, unrealistic fairytale like level.  

I just re-read for the umpteenth time:

https://bpdfamily.com/content/surviving-break-when-your-partner-has-borderline-personality#6

It is a blueprint for everything I experienced.  I was 'her knight in shining armor'  She would love me 'Always and forever'.  It has been, frankly put, embarrassing to know everything I experienced with her was common to the point of banality in a BPD relationship.  Textbook.

The best week of my life was time we spent in HongKong together, and then the week I met her family to formally ask for her hand in marriage was even better yet.  

I thought I had found true love after all these years.  "You will also come to realize that a lot of your elation was due to your own receptivity and openness and your hopes."  --I felt this was the 'big love' I had been waiting for all my life.  --it was not.  If I had continued on the path I was walking it would have ended in my immolation -my utter consumption.

I have never experienced anything like being loved by someone with BPD -the highest highs and then bone shattering lows.  

I am afraid I know precisely what you mean when you say "I am still in love with her".  She is mysterious, exotic, beautiful, vulnerable, lovely and deeply damaged.  She is capable of intense love and cruelty on a level I have never before seen -and she has no control over her emotional state whatsoever.  This is what makes BPD so tragic.

She told me once in a purely honest moment "You must leave me -I will destroy you"  That was the most honest and loving thing she ever said to me.  It was the one and only time she put my needs ahead of hers.


Wicker Man