communicating with a pwBPD

[aware53]

Thanks for the insights. Im am learning to navigate the system and only found these posts today 10th JAN 2014. I dont know how I missed these but am grateful to have found them as this week has been a pretty bad one and reading them today has proved to be very helpful.

My wife was re-admitted to hospital today with a lot of drama as the hospital(private psych) would not take her because she was too intoxicated and they were afraid she would loose consciousness. So we had to ambulance her to an emergency department of a public hospital to be observed until they were sure she could safely be admitted to the private clinic.

Very confusing for her as it took me 2 days to convince her to go into care. Who then rejected her from drug and alcohol treatment because shed taken too many drugs.

Something for a sitcom there:-)

We only want sober people in our rehab facility. Sorry for being cynical its been a long week with my wife consuming a bottle of Xanax in a few days and going from asleep to angry and argumentative about denying she had taken anything.

The thing Id like to post for discussion is how do converse with BPD folk when there arguments are illogical and wrong. If we disagree they take extreme offence and accuse us of picking on them. If we remain silent its dishonest and reinforces their wrong view. I find I try to remain patient but often end up in an emotional argument that goes round and round. My wife feels I've wronged her and I feel guilty for having even tried to have a rational conversation. Id like to hear how other folks converse when a BPD is not in listening mode.

Thanks again for the welcoming posts and happy new year to all. I hope your year has less struggles than last and a magic cure for BPD id discovered 

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[living in the past]

 hi, i hope your wife gets the help she needs in the hospital, this should give you a chance to get a much needed break, try to be grateful for those two things Today,this illness can really destroy a family, friendship etc, this site has been a big help to me, thank you for posting, and i wish you and your wife the best of care.

[heartandwhole]

Hi aware53,

Welcome again to bpdfamily!  I'm glad you found your way back here.  I'm sorry to hear about your wife's recent admission to hospital, that is a very scary and difficult situation, for both of you.  

How are you holding up?  :)o you have a good support system, like friends, family to turn to?

You asked about communication tools, and you've come to the right place – we have lots, and members who know how to use them.  Here are some links that will be helpful for you:

Video-Tools to Reduce Conflict with a person suffering from BPD

Before You Can Make Things Better, You have To Stop Making Things Worse

TOOLS: S.E.T. - Support, Empathy and Truth


Keep posting, it helps to share.  We're here for you!

heartandwhole  

[Learning_curve74]

Hello aware53, I'm glad you're figuring out the boards here.    If you have any questions about navigating them, please ask and somebody around here will be sure to offer some useful assistance!  

I hope that your wife gets some help at the hospital and clinic. I am glad you were able to convince her to check in.

The thing Id like to post for discussion is how do converse with BPD folk when there arguments are illogical and wrong. If we disagree they take extreme offence and accuse us of picking on them. If we remain silent its dishonest and reinforces their wrong view. I find I try to remain patient but often end up in an emotional argument that goes round and round. My wife feels I've wronged her and I feel guilty for having even tried to have a rational conversation. Id like to hear how other folks converse when a BPD is not in listening mode.

What you write above is one of the hardest things for a non-BPD to work through. A pwBPD is extremely sensitive and has a very high validation "quota", they often do not handle rejection and disagreement well, but at the same time often seem to thrive on the drama created by it. One of the best pieces of advice I read over and over here are to validate her emotions while at the same time not validating what is incorrect -- it's a very fine line and requires reading about how we can do this as well as constantly practicing it in our relationships. I agree 100% with heartandwhole's suggestions about the links you should check out as well as reading and posting on the Staying board.

Please do keep reading and sharing!

[waverider]

Sorry to hear your wife has issues with Xanax. has the changes coming into force in Aus on 1 feb caused her to panic about xanax supply?

There are ways to communicate with a pwBPD without getting sucked into the attempt to "talk sense into them".

Being silent is not dishonest. You are entitled to your truth but you do not need to convince anyone else of it. Neither do you have to pretend to agree either.

often end up in an emotional argument that goes round and round

The answer to this is to not do it. It is hard but we have to learn that it is not necessary to win an argument. Disengaging from these circular arguments is an art form, but it can be learned with a little practice.

Your first task is to stop trying to fix, or correct, your wife, concentrate on not making things worse by fueling conflict.