How does a pwBPD feel?

[Turkish]

So in no way do they have a conscious?

I lay my head down at night and think about my day.  If I owe someone an apology, I will let them have it the next time I see them.

When a BPD lays their head down at night, or is alone with their thoughts during the day, do they ever just feel terible about the way they have treated the people in their lives?

Do they have remorse, guilt, shame, conscious?

The shame and guilt is focused on their unstable sense of self. So sad. It is good to remember that BPDs have a very fragmented, dis-integrated sense of self. Thus they present different aspects to different people. We all do to some extent, but the severity of the behavior is what sets the PDs apart (disorder from the order).

Mine would feel intense shame over hurting me or the kids sometimes, and would even say she just had to leave for a while to not mete out her anger (what I call abuse). So yes, intellectually some can process it.

After the affair, I sensed intense shame from mine, but I flat out asked her is she was sorry for hurting me. She said she was still trying to process it (?). Her shame and guilt for focused on her for being a "bad" person, because deep in their core, that is what they fear, hence the unhealthy coping mechanisms like projection. I did finally get something that sounded like an apology, but she kept right on doing it, and still is. So no, try not to get wrapped up in thinking they have some kind of integrated self-awareness or developed ethical and moral code. One can drive one's self crazy trying to think about it, but at the end of the day, we probably have to realize that this is who they are.

[myself]

So in no way do they have a conscious?

I lay my head down at night and think about my day.  If I owe someone an apology, I will let them have it the next time I see them.

When a BPD lays their head down at night, or is alone with their thoughts during the day, do they ever just feel terible about the way they have treated the people in their lives?

Do they have remorse, guilt, shame, conscious?

They do, they just don't act on it to make it better, like you're saying you do. It would bring their whole house of cards crashing down. Are they going to go back and apologize to everyone they ever hurt? Admit they made mistakes, were responsible, or could be better next time? They don't think like we do, arn. They don't live like we do. They see the light but turn away.

[arn131arn]

Thanks, Turk.

She still talks/speaks with my mother bc of our son(8).  My mom tells me my ex can't even look her in the eyes.  Lost so much weight, she was 105 when we were together, and outbreaks on her face.

I assume it's the shame/stress of me busting her with my replacement and letting the "cat out of the bag".  It's funny for 3 weeks there when I would call her and ask her if she was seeing someone else, she wouldn't give me an answer. She thought she could hide it and come back to me.  I know this... . I always told her if I found out about someone else during her needed "breaks", I was done.

Now, they are moving really fast, seeing allot of each other, and I am sure this is to validate herself that she has made the right decision.

Oh, well, I start my therapy and inner look at myself Friday... . my first appointment with a P... . it's been a long strange trippy 3 weeks, I tell ya!

[ShadowDancer]

Thanks, Turk.

She still talks/speaks with my mother bc of our son(8).  My mom tells me my ex can't even look her in the eyes.  Lost so much weight, she was 105 when we were together, and outbreaks on her face.

I'd suspect methamphetamine. The PDI's favorite elixir!

[thisyoungdad]

I do think that they have remorse and even feel badly sometimes for what they do. My ex would at times come to me and say that she was wrong in how she acted, or what she said etc. Rarely did she say that she was sorry she hurt me and rarely did she acknowledge my hurt feelings or anything like that. However I could tell when she would tell me she was sorry for how she acted or what not that she did really feel sorry for treating me badly or more commonly that she shouldn't have done "x,y or z" and doesn't know why she did it or wishes she had not done it etc and was really going to try better next time. I could see it in her eyes and body language and yet even saying that much was so draining for her it was all she could do. At least for me I think that my ex really did know at times she was being crazy and hurting me and did feel some level of bad about it and did what she could cope with to make it right but because she never actually addressed it I never got a true apology or even just an apology. I never got any kind of admitting that it was not all my fault she divorced me. She blames me 100% to this day and I think it will always be that way even though she has made comments to me showing she recognizes her part. That is what I find so sad, the inability to act upon those feelings of shame, regret or remorse because the shame they feel is so deep that the fear they feel probably cripples them from it. I don't know that is just my experience, I am the type who tends to try and see everyone as fundamentally good and we all have our issues and some are just sicker than others.

[cureandcause]

Arn,

I was the older, successful replacement that you talk about. Look where it got me  Initially it may be about the "status", but once you are devalued it is just like any other BPD relationship. It won't last.  Rest assured. I was in love with the ex and treated her like a princess. It didn't matter.

They are chasing their perception of love. They love the idea of being in love. Once they realize their partner is flawed the devaluation process kicks in. It is just a matter of time before game over and the cycle repeats with the next victim.  Money, status, looks etc. just don't ultimately matter.

Exactly, I was also the older, successful replacement. All her friends even attested. Yeah look where is got me. I will never forget how often I was "the real man" for her. Now, hurt is left.