Using ex's BPD traits as reason for me staying

[clairedair]

I had one of those 'eureka' type moments this morning - every now and again I wonder why I stayed in the relationship and put up with so much when I've known about BPD for years and read the stories here.

I think that I was 'selective' about the traits - some of them would fit my fantasy (belief at that point) that my exH did truly love me but that the BPD was getting in the way.  That he wanted to be with me in a healthy relationship but just as things were going well the BPD would take him over like some kind of alien intruder and the 'real' him would be lost to me for a while.  I had this image of him stuck behind a dividing wall trying to reach me but being unable to.  Every now and again he'd be able to break the wall down and run back to my open arms but before long, the wall was back up.

I chose to ignore the BPD traits that didn't fit this fantasy - in particular, his ability to treat me as an object to be picked up and put down depending on how he felt at the time (or how he felt about another 'object'.  Our marriage T moved from a position of believing that we really loved each other to wondering if he could love and my own T said something about this last week (i.e. wondering what his concept of love is). 

Had I been more able to accept the 'object' trait before, I think I would have been out of this years ago.  When he was alternating between me (his long-time wife) and a gf, I was convinced that his BPD issues meant that he needed to run off to her because he needed her validation; adoration etc and he did speak of her as a 'sticking plaster'.  What I failed to realise was that I had also become a sticking plaster - I was another option, not his partner.

In a way, I used knowing about BPD as justification for staying and for believing that it would all work out instead of really FACING THE FACTS.   I used it to explain away abusive behaviour ("he can't help himself - he's ill".  I still do feel he suffers but no longer feel that he can't do anything about it.

Still find it hard to accept that he probably hasn't loved me for years - not the way I thought he did - but it's meant that I've stopped hanging on to a fantasy and am more able to move on with my life.  Easier to detach if I'm not holding on to the sense that we're some kind of tragic couple prevented from being together by BPD (and thereby absolving myself of responsibility).

Are there aspects of BPD that you've ignored?

Claire

[fromheeltoheal]

Hi clairdair-

My relationship was much shorter and we weren't married, and different in that I didn't know BPD existed when I was in it.  What I saw was a gal who had a terrible childhood, had been victimized by all those mean, evil men, had an 'intense' personality, according to her and those who knew her, and was just a good girl at heart who was doing the best she could; of course a lot of that was me buying into the victim picture she was painting for me.

As the relationship progressed I got to know her as a chameleon with little impulse control, a liar, someone with a boatload of repressed anger that wasn't all that repressed, it surfaced regularly, and someone very clueless about the world, with a shocking lack of maturity; all of these things were my observations, before I had any clinical framework to fit her in.  One thing she excelled at was saying and doing the right things to play on my insecurities and manipulate; there was always an intensity and a hyperawareness to the way she interacted, never a mellow, chill out, everything's cool vibe, all of which kept me on edge and confused, trying to get somewhere I now know she wasn't capable of going.

Interesting, I called her 'psychotic' once, and she gave me a look that said she'd been called that before, so after I left her I Googled it, since I didn't really know what psychotic was, turns out she's not, but bouncing around the net led me to borderline personality disorder, which fits her like a glove.  Learning about the disorder brought the lights on for me, immediately erased a lot of the confusion and allowed me to see it wasn't all me, in fact it wasn't even mostly me.  I didn't necessarily ignore traits of hers I didn't like, more I thought if we both kept working towards the relationship I wanted and assumed she did too, the traits would go away.  And of course over time, with her help, I came to believe her behavior was my fault.  Silly me. 

So to me the similarities are that when we're enmeshed in a relationship, any relationship, we see what we want to see, selective blindness, and the relationship takes on a life of its own.  Had I learned about BPD when I was in it I probably would have left sooner, she was too much as it was but that would be the icing on the cake.  Learning about it after the fact helped a lot, kept me away from her, cleared up a lot of confusion, and mostly, had me asking WTF was I doing?  Wake-up call.

[clairedair]

I didn't necessarily ignore traits of hers I didn't like, more I thought if we both kept working towards the relationship I wanted and assumed she did too, the traits would go away.  And of course over time, with her help, I came to believe her behavior was my fault.  Silly me. 

Hi fromheeltoheal (I've only just got your username as I typed it out!)

Most of the traits were obvious and couldn't be ignored (like the push/pull; anger; inability to be out of a relationship for more than five minutes) but I too thought the traits would lessen (he was never diagnosed BPD but the traits definitely fit).  I had a long period of believing the behaviour was my fault but I'd say finding out about BPD helped me move away from this.

Learning about it after the fact helped a lot, kept me away from her, cleared up a lot of confusion, and mostly, had me asking WTF was I doing?  Wake-up call.

Looks like learning about BPD had the opposite effect on you as at some level I believed that knowing as much as possible about BPD would help 'fix' everything (even though logically I knew I didn't have the power to fix anything except my own reactions/behaviours etc).  I thought if I learned the 'Lessons' and practised them, all would eventually be well and although the lessons have been useful, not just for this relationship, ultimately it didn't change the outcome.  I look back now and think that he decided some time ago that I wasn't what he needed but because he hadn't found what he did need at that point, he just came and went until he did find what he needs. It's been really hard to think that we hit a point of return some time ago but that I didn't see it because I didn't want to - I preferred to believe what he said when he wanted to reconcile and blame the BPD for his behaviour rather than really seeing the truth and holding him fully accountable (and me too).  Our children suffered more than they needed to because of our repeated futile reconciliations.

there was always an intensity and a hyperawareness to the way she interacted, never a mellow, chill out, everything's cool vibe, all of which kept me on edge and confused, trying to get somewhere I now know she wasn't capable of going.

this was part of the attraction at times but ultimately totally exhausting.  He was mostly a good dad (apart from all the leaving and coming back) but our children got to a stage where they were telling me not to take him back again - our home is so much more peaceful now that he no longer lives there.  I find it so sad that my kids don't have the whole 'mum and dad' thing but in reality things are better for them now.   I just hope he is as happy and settled as he seems in new relationship for their sake.

Do you think you'll be more likely to keep your eyes open in your next relationship?  I worry sometimes that I'll either be blinded again or that I'll go the opposite way and every flaw/issue will be magnified!

take care,

Claire

[fromheeltoheal]

He was mostly a good dad (apart from all the leaving and coming back) but our children got to a stage where they were telling me not to take him back again - our home is so much more peaceful now that he no longer lives there.  I find it so sad that my kids don't have the whole 'mum and dad' thing but in reality things are better for them now.   I just hope he is as happy and settled as he seems in new relationship for their sake.

My ex is divorced and her ex husband is remarried; the kids now consider they've got two homes, one stable and reliable, the other one mom's house with it's craziness, but she's their mother, they love her and have learned how to deal with her, a lot better than I ever did, and it's actually turned out better for the kids, they have more options and a certain 'dilution' to the craziness.  Sounds like your kids have something similar, and the definition of 'family' is changing.  I say as long as there's love and nurturance it doesn't matter what form it takes.

Do you think you'll be more likely to keep your eyes open in your next relationship?  I worry sometimes that I'll either be blinded again or that I'll go the opposite way and every flaw/issue will be magnified!

I've overshot the mark with some people, both men and women, a natural response to trauma to be extra careful, and that's OK for now.  I don't want to be the guy stamping 'BPD' on everyone's forehead, but now that I know about the disorder and it's traits I'm seeing women I've known for years in a new light, and knowing their background I now have a better understanding of where it came from.  I'm also meeting men whom I would label narcissists, almost lauded in our culture, irritating as hell to me.

But the biggest difference is focus.  I've always gone into relationships focusing on the other's person's needs, classic people pleaser, figuring if I can love enough, care enough, everything will work out and I'll get my bliss in return.  Well, screw that.  I'm now focusing on what's in it for me?  How is this person going to meet my needs?  In that light a lot of women just don't cut it, too much of their own sht going on to meet anyone else's needs, and I don't really care about playing amateur shrink and diagnosing anything, the key is to focus on getting my needs met and paying close attention to my intuition and gut feelings; if I'd done that with my borderline ex we wouldn't have gotten past the first date.  Live and learn.

[Learning_curve74]

Thanks for starting this topic of discussion clairedair! 

My BPD relationship was less than a year but intense, and like everybody else here I experienced the heavy push and pull after the first 6 months or so. I'm not sure that I saw it as overlooking some BPD traits versus others, but I thought in terms of managing it and keeping her engaged in our relationship. It did seem like it got to the point that you (clairedair) mentioned the relationship becoming a case of being a "plaster"/"bandage", though while I was "first choice" in soothing objects, that wasn't what I wanted, so I broke it off with her.

clairedair, you are not alone in using his BPD in your mind as a reason to stay. Many other members have made the analogy that they would not leave a partner with diabetes or cancer, so why would they leave a partner with mental illness. I think this is too facile an analogy, as BPD fundamentally distorts the ability of the person with BPD to form and sustain healthy relationships, something that isn't true of diabetes or cancer.

This is a timely subject for me because I'm currently in a recycle with my pwBPD trying to see if we can make things work. I like to say that I have no illusions, so although I am choosing to try again but differently this time around, I'm not sure if I can live with all the behaviors I dislike nor am I sure that she will be able to change enough to sustain the relationship. And even if the relationship continues, I believe that it probably is and will not be a healthy one! I was reading the article on Characteristics of Healthy Relationships and this was a list of some of the important characteristics:

Respect - listening to one another, valuing each other's opinions, and listening in a non-judgmental manner. Respect also involves attempting to understand and affirm the other's emotions.

Trust and support - supporting each other's goals in life, and respecting each other's right to his/her own feelings, opinions, friends, activities and interest. It is valuing one's partner as an individual.

Honesty and accountability - communicating openly and truthfully, admitting mistakes or being wrong, acknowledging past use of violence, and accepting responsibility for one's self.

Shared responsibility - making family/relationship decisions together, mutually agreeing on a distribution of work which is fair to both partners. If parents, the couple shares parental responsibilities and acts as positive, non-violent role models for the children.

Economic partnership - in marriage or cohabitation, making financial decisions together, and making sure both partners benefit from financial arrangements.

Negotiation and fairness - being willing to compromise, accepting change, and seeking mutually satisfying solutions to conflict.

Non-threatening behavior - talking and acting in a way that promotes both partners' feelings of safety in the relationship. Both should feel comfortable and safe in expressing him/herself and in engaging in activities.

I can only tick off about 2 1/2 of the 7 characteristics listed above. So then I understand that I am making a choice to pursue what is a relatively unhealthy relationship which makes me think the reasons I am choosing to do so are unhealthy as well.

I do think that I am relatively lucky as even though it has been extremely painful at times, we weren't married, we don't have kids, we don't have joint property, so either one of us can call it a day at any time we wish and go our own way. If it ends, I don't want to treat it differently than any other relationship I've had that didn't work out, which is every one I've had in the past. Well, maybe the one difference is that it has forced me to become more self-aware and to engage in some important self-discovery and growth.