Does anyone recognise this?

[Oulbopride]

Hi everyone,

Just wondering whether I am seeing/feeling ghosts or that the following is common for pBPD/NPD... .

I have the (strong) impression that my uB/NPDgf from time to time enjoys to see me suffer and/or to make me insecure with little, subtle remarks on subjects she knows are sensitive to me.

fe. A few weeks ago, my dog passed away. He'd been with me for almost 10 years and ofcourse I've had several difficult moments since then. Now, my gf has been more than kind to me during this period, yet at the same time I noticed that when I had to cry, it was as if she was examining me whilst looking me short but intensively in the eyes. Don't know exactly why, but my instinct reacted... .

Another example: a few months ago we went through a difficult period in the r/s and I - an open book regarding my emotions and what goes on in my head... . - told her that it felt as if my body started to react against the ongoing volatility/insecurity/lack of logic in our r/s (stress symptoms, headaches, difficulty sleeping, etc... . ). In my opinion, a 'normal' person would react at least a little bit concerned, but she hardly gave me feedback on my 'confession'. I'd even say she had this "Hmmm, good, finally... . " attitude.

What's this all about? Does seeing us suffer make them feel stronger? Has it got something to do with power? Is it just a wicked game or... . ?

It would be nice to read similar stories (ie. I'm not the crazy one!) and maybe some explanations.

Thx!     

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[FigureIt]

I was thinking a similar thing recently too. I went yesterday to get my nails done and my haircut. In the past my uBPDbf has made comments about the color of my nails being "trashy" and believe me mine are short and the wildest color was a purplish. Yesterday when I got back I said "do you like my haircut?" It was no change really, just a trim... . his response was "It's cut crooked in the back." That comment stung... . I trust my hair stylist, she's been doing it for 20yrs. 

I said to him this morning, "I know you weren't happy that I had to be gone yesterday" (we were both off unexpectedly due to weather), "but you didn't have to say my haircut is crooked." His response was "if you don't want me to tell you the truth then don't ask... . " So now that leads me to asking a co-worker if she thinks the cut is crooked.

In the past during one of his rages he commented on the "hair" on my face. (Which is blonde & hard to notice, but now I see it all the time!)

And if he really wants to try and get me he will comment on my parenting of my daughter. Yet, he is no father of the year with his kids and they see/use him for his WALLET.

[elemental]

I just think it is part of the BPD erosion that is inflicted.

Ongoing angst and negativity because they just don't feel ok about life.

Do they realize they are doing it? Probably on some level. They are getting a response of unhappiness from you and that is the payoff. You feel bad, they feel validated on their control of your emotions and that they made you feel bad by being... unkind.

I am getting it in spades today. I resigned myself to it and probably it will pass.

You guys look new here, too. Probably you should read the stuff on radical acceptance and rely more on your support structure for validation. I am trying to, but am in a hard struggle of trying to think new ways.

Feel really hurt today  So am staying away from him since I find it hurtful to be ignored. Boundry: I will not try to talk to someone who is ignoring me. So it is me leaving the house and going to spend some time with my mom.

[qwaszx]

They don't feel any empathy, I had my friend just about loss it when our bosses dog got hit by a car, because she was upset that our boss wasn't responsiable as a pet owner... .

[schwing]

They don't feel any empathy, I had my friend just about loss it when our bosses dog got hit by a car, because she was upset that our boss wasn't responsiable as a pet owner... .

I think it's harsh to say they don't feel any empathy.  But technically the lack of empathy is a characteristic of NPD, so if your loved one has NPD traits, then this is the case.  But for pwBPD (people with BPD), often they can demonstrate great empathy, just not when their own emotions overtake them.

I have the (strong) impression that my uB/NPDgf from time to time enjoys to see me suffer and/or to make me insecure with little, subtle remarks on subjects she knows are sensitive to me.

Consider this: pwBPD exhibit "splitting behavior"; that is, they can alternate between idealization and devaluation -- sometimes very quickly.  This means one instant that can be very empathetic and sympathetic with our insecurities and even make us feel better about ourselves when they idealize us.  But the next instance can be equally harsh and hurtful when they devalue us.

fe. A few weeks ago, my dog passed away. He'd been with me for almost 10 years and ofcourse I've had several difficult moments since then. Now, my gf has been more than kind to me during this period, yet at the same time I noticed that when I had to cry, it was as if she was examining me whilst looking me short but intensively in the eyes. Don't know exactly why, but my instinct reacted... .

When I was with my uBPDgf, there were many many occasion when I found that she would cut me down just as effectively as she can puff me up.  Most times I chose to dwell on the positives.  But the negative events were undeniably there.  Specifically I remember when we were alone together, thats when she mostly idealized me.  But every once in a while, while in the presence of some other family member, she would team up against me so to speak and criticize me, especially the criticism was cued by the family member.

Another example: a few months ago we went through a difficult period in the r/s and I - an open book regarding my emotions and what goes on in my head... . - told her that it felt as if my body started to react against the ongoing volatility/insecurity/lack of logic in our r/s (stress symptoms, headaches, difficulty sleeping, etc... . ). In my opinion, a 'normal' person would react at least a little bit concerned, but she hardly gave me feedback on my 'confession'. I'd even say she had this "Hmmm, good, finally... . " attitude.

When I was with my uBPDgf, my body demonstrate many many signs that I was under a lot of stress.  I was mostly in denial of it, or just chalked it up to school work. 

My understanding is that for pwBPD, as the relationship grows, as intimacy and familiarity builds, so do their disordered feelings.  And they certainly are stressed by these disordered feelings.  One of their defense mechanisms is to "project" their disordered thoughts and feelings onto us.  That's where it starts getting stressful for us.  Ultimately, they want to believe that it is we who are the cause of their woes (and not their disorder).

So in a sense, a pwBPD would feel a sense of relief when we start exhibits signs of the kind of problems they experience.

What's this all about? Does seeing us suffer make them feel stronger? Has it got something to do with power? Is it just a wicked game or... . ? 

It's not that by see us makes them feel stronger.  By seeing us suffer, they can delude themselves into believing that perhaps we are the one who is bringing all the suffering into the relationship?  Thereby they can absolve their own culpability?

It is another kind of twisted thinking/delusion.  If we have the problem, then this means they don't have a problem.  So whenever we overtly express that we are having issues, or a problem, they get an emotional payoff in the sense that they can believe for a short while that there is nothing wrong with them.  The worse-case-scenario being that they have reason to start devaluing themselves.

Hope some of this helps.

Best wishes, Schwing

[qwaszx]

Lol ya maybe a bit harsh, but I know in my case it's the truth. She's told me she doesn't feel empathy, though at times I thought she felt it very strongly... . but I really donno tbh. Her disgnosis is BPD and PTSD... . :

[joshbjoshb]

Guys

A big issue that anyone who has BPD spouse must realize is how to confront THEIR OWN insecurities. How to become a secure person ourselves, in a way that no outside influence can impact it - including one's spouse.

In other words, if you will be happy, confidant, and have a healthy balanced life, you don't have to care if someone else claims that you are an a, b or c. You know who you are, and you are comfortable with yourself.

I'd say that you - oulbopride - are relying too much on your wife for emotional support. Maybe even you are dealing with co-dependency. Sadly for you, BPD spouses can't provide much of it. So if you have any emotional issue, you will need to find ways to deal with it. Build yourself a good support system, go to a therapist yourself, have a loving friend, a hobby, etc., so you will be able to be more in the support role at home.

[hergestridge]

My BPDw has been criticizing me for many years for suppressing my feelings, "holding it all back", not crying etc. However, whenever I show the least bit of sadness or genuine emotion she freaks out.

Remember, they're like 3yr olds emotionally. Little kids can't handle it when grown ups cry.

As for the second example (I'm thinking of Oulbopride's post), I think she possibly sees your whole breakdown as an attack on her, and showing sympathy for you would mean accepting the blame. That's one the great paradoxes in a relationship with a BPD; is that relationship livable if the BPD person actively has to admit being the cause of all the damage inflicted upon the non?. Imagine the guilt and pain that would cause.

I've been there too, and I've been forced to set boundaries. Talking in too great detail about the pain I go through (because of our relationship) upsets my wife too much and worsens her condition. But there are times when I have to say "Enough!" and explain that I can't take any more ___ at the moment.

There have been times when she's been trying to confront me about something minor that made her upset that very day, and I've had to explain that I can't deal with it because I have enough handling everyday life with her and her illness. This pisses her off and she starts to asks me what it is that is so bothersome about her (as if she didn't know). But I've decided to end the discussion there, always! (I suppose this is what it means to not "JADE"?).

[wdone]

They don't feel any empathy, I had my friend just about loss it when our bosses dog got hit by a car, because she was upset that our boss wasn't responsiable as a pet owner... .

I think it's harsh to say they don't feel any empathy.  But technically the lack of empathy is a characteristic of NPD, so if your loved one has NPD traits, then this is the case.  But for pwBPD (people with BPD), often they can demonstrate great empathy, just not when their own emotions overtake them.

I have the (strong) impression that my uB/NPDgf from time to time enjoys to see me suffer and/or to make me insecure with little, subtle remarks on subjects she knows are sensitive to me.

Consider this: pwBPD exhibit "splitting behavior"; that is, they can alternate between idealization and devaluation -- sometimes very quickly.  This means one instant that can be very empathetic and sympathetic with our insecurities and even make us feel better about ourselves when they idealize us.  But the next instance can be equally harsh and hurtful when they devalue us.

fe. A few weeks ago, my dog passed away. He'd been with me for almost 10 years and ofcourse I've had several difficult moments since then. Now, my gf has been more than kind to me during this period, yet at the same time I noticed that when I had to cry, it was as if she was examining me whilst looking me short but intensively in the eyes. Don't know exactly why, but my instinct reacted... .

When I was with my uBPDgf, there were many many occasion when I found that she would cut me down just as effectively as she can puff me up.  Most times I chose to dwell on the positives.  But the negative events were undeniably there.  Specifically I remember when we were alone together, thats when she mostly idealized me.  But every once in a while, while in the presence of some other family member, she would team up against me so to speak and criticize me, especially the criticism was cued by the family member.

Another example: a few months ago we went through a difficult period in the r/s and I - an open book regarding my emotions and what goes on in my head... . - told her that it felt as if my body started to react against the ongoing volatility/insecurity/lack of logic in our r/s (stress symptoms, headaches, difficulty sleeping, etc... . ). In my opinion, a 'normal' person would react at least a little bit concerned, but she hardly gave me feedback on my 'confession'. I'd even say she had this "Hmmm, good, finally... . " attitude.

When I was with my uBPDgf, my body demonstrate many many signs that I was under a lot of stress.  I was mostly in denial of it, or just chalked it up to school work. 

My understanding is that for pwBPD, as the relationship grows, as intimacy and familiarity builds, so do their disordered feelings.  And they certainly are stressed by these disordered feelings.  One of their defense mechanisms is to "project" their disordered thoughts and feelings onto us.  That's where it starts getting stressful for us.  Ultimately, they want to believe that it is we who are the cause of their woes (and not their disorder).

So in a sense, a pwBPD would feel a sense of relief when we start exhibits signs of the kind of problems they experience.

What's this all about? Does seeing us suffer make them feel stronger? Has it got something to do with power? Is it just a wicked game or... . ? 

It's not that by see us makes them feel stronger.  By seeing us suffer, they can delude themselves into believing that perhaps we are the one who is bringing all the suffering into the relationship?  Thereby they can absolve their own culpability?

It is another kind of twisted thinking/delusion.  If we have the problem, then this means they don't have a problem.  So whenever we overtly express that we are having issues, or a problem, they get an emotional payoff in the sense that they can believe for a short while that there is nothing wrong with them.  The worse-case-scenario being that they have reason to start devaluing themselves.

Hope some of this helps.

Best wishes, Schwing

schwing, wow! this just helped me so much.  you put this so simply and explained it perfectly.   this is exactly what happens in my relationship.  thank you so so much.