fishing trip

[RecycledNoMore]

So, Im at work

I get a txt from a number I dont know

Him " hi"

My daughter is overseas on holiday with her grandparents so I reply

" hi C***** is that you, ill ring u at gmaz wen I fin work, love u huni buni"

Number calls...

" Its me"

I Hang up.

Its the ex

I Didnt think id be re engaged because I suspect the ex leans heavily toward NPD.

My neck is sore,I want to cry and im feeling shaky.

I remember this feeling, I used to feel like this all the time in the r/ s.I keep repeating in my head " it wasnt real, it wasnt real, it wasnt real" ( our love)

Broken up since August 2013

Restraining Order, but not served on him bc he skipped town

NC the whole time except some drunken ones from me over new year and a few ramdom ones, but I wasnt sure if it was him

First T appointment yesterday

This is hard

[Moonie75]

You go easy on yourself about this!

What with the trip, your thoughts about it being your daughter calling from a number you don't know were absolutely normal. I & many others would've thought the same.

You were duped, caught on the back foot etc. You feeling so up tight about this contact is not such a bad thing. Make a positive from it, feel it, remember it, remember it from before. It's this feeling that tells you & reminds you this person is not healthy for you!

Good luck with your T.

Moonie

[love4meNOTu]

Oh man... .

my first thought was oh no oh no oh no. Recycled, you are gonna be ok. Remember to look at what he wants by this contact attempt. They reach out because they need something from us.

You aren't his endless supply of "whatever he needs" anymore.

Can you stay strong and not contact him back? Can you throw your phone away or give it to a friend?

Ay yi yi. Must be a freakin' full moon out there.

Hugs,

Lyn

[RecycledNoMore]

I am turning this into exercise

I am listening to this song

Tool, Intolerance

I Dont wanna be hostile

I dont wanna be dismal

An I dont wanna roughen up

My pathetic existance

See I wanna believe you

An I wanted to trust you

I dont wanna evict you

I put away the dagger

But you LIE/ CHEAT/ n STEAL

You LIE/CHEAT n STEAL

You LIE/ CHEAT n STEAL

And I Tolerate you

I  smile and laugh and dance an sing your glory

While you LIE/CHEAT n STEAL

LIE/CHEAT n STEAL

Argue, I blame

Im in, far to, sympathetic

I am not innocent

You are not innocent

No one is innocent... .

Just got another txt

" Im sorry for everything, I miss C***** (my daughter), I think about her and always will"

F*** Im so pissed right now

Im tryin moonie not to be hard on myself,I really am... . and Lyn it is a full moon tonight downunder...

Back to the rowing machine...

Thank you for being here

[Ironmanrises]

I know how difficult it must have been to realize it was him. You did the right thing by not responding. We are here for you. Your path is ours. Hang in there.  

[arn131arn]

I am turning this into exercise

I am listening to this song

Tool, Intolerance

I Dont wanna be hostile

I dont wanna be dismal

An I dont wanna roughen up

My pathetic existance

See I wanna believe you

An I wanted to trust you

I dont wanna evict you

I put away the dagger

But you LIE/ CHEAT/ n STEAL

You LIE/CHEAT n STEAL

You LIE/ CHEAT n STEAL

And I Tolerate you

I  smile and laugh and dance an sing your glory

While you LIE/CHEAT n STEAL

LIE/CHEAT n STEAL

Argue, I blame

Im in, far to, sympathetic

I am not innocent

You are not innocent

No one is innocent... .

Just got another txt

" Im sorry for everything, I miss C***** (my daughter), I think about her and always will"

F*** Im so pissed right now

Im tryin moonie not to be hard on myself,I really am... . and Lyn it is a full moon tonight downunder...

Back to the rowing machine...

Thank you for being here

HELL YEAH RNM!

Nothing, Nothing can make you more angry yet so spiritual and in touch with reality than Maynard James Keenan' voice and david Carey (the best drummer in the biz)and the band Tool.  It works for me... . ALL the time, I get motivated.  It's like the Rocky Soundtrack in the 80's except not as cheesy, right?

By the way the perfect song for a BPD Rs

Sometimes it works better when you just turn it louder! 

[RecycledNoMore]

Im doing better now no more txts, Ive calmed down now  worked it out,it dosent hurt now as much, if this had happened a month ago I would have txt him back for sure, I feel different, is it strength? I dont think ive felt this way before, the things in my mind seem to be divided into before ex and after ex, There is a strange finality about today... .

It feels like the first time I watched the breakfast club, Molly Ringwald gives her earing to Judd Hirsch, the song " dont you forget about me" by simple minds is playing... .

Im walking off into the sunset... .

P.s Ironman, aptly named

I dont see Ironmanfalls anymore

Just Ironman

Thankyou  

[RecycledNoMore]

Arn! Thanks brother!

I played it till my ears bled !

[arn131arn]

Arn! Thanks brother!

I played it till my ears bled !

No, no, no, no... . that was bryan adams... . "played it til my fingers bled"

LOL

[RecycledNoMore]

Full moons out Lyn, beautiful

Another txt

" Goodluck with your life R***, hope you find what your looking for, it wasnt me, take care of C*****, remember ill always love you"

New song

A perfect circle- 3 libras

" the eyes of a fallen angel

Eyes of a tragedy"

Im not waivering just so sad.

[love4meNOTu]

recycled... you are doing so well.

I honestly don't know how I would handle any contact. I'm sure I would come unglued. If he knew he would so enjoy that he could hurt me so easily.

Sometimes I wish I could just erase the past, start over like he does, just ignoring the pain I've caused to others and to myself by marrying my xhwBPD.

Unfortunately life is not like that.

Hang in there... .

Lyn

[waver]

Hold on RNM, you're great!   

[RecycledNoMore]

Be prepared Lyn, this contact was so unexpected, shore up your defences, protect the progress you have made, and you have, Ive witnessed it

Ive had that same thought, many times Ive wished for the BPD ability to wipe the slate clean and carry on... .

I couldnt imagine anything more torturous than living life on constant repeat.

Heres to you me and everyone here, moving foward one step at a time... .

@Arn Lol ya big lug,am now humming summer of 69... .

[RecycledNoMore]

Hold on RNM, you're great!   

You hold on too Waver, were in this together:)

[love4meNOTu]

oh I'm safe recycled... it's not gonna happen.

Our dissolution agreement stipulates no contact, he would not cross that line. He's afraid of the law. Plus, pretty sure he is remarried, so there is no need to contact me for "whatever he needs". This is as it should be.

Lyn

[RecycledNoMore]

One last txt...

Be happy R***  ive realised we werent ment to be, we didnt click, we spent so much time accusing eachother of sht, it my life now I do what I want, its your life now you do what you want, I hope all is going well in your life, it was awsome knowing you.

What does this mean?

Is it genuine?

Id call it closure but is it?

[fromheeltoheal]

One last txt...

Be happy R***  ive realised we werent ment to be, we didnt click, we spent so much time accusing eachother of sht, it my life now I do what I want, its your life now you do what you want, I hope all is going well in your life, it was awsome knowing you.

What does this mean?

Is it genuine?

Id call it closure but is it?

I'd take it at face value, and at least he hopes all is going well for you and it was awesome knowing you, a stretch for someone focused solely on themselves which is borderline standard.  Probably won't be the last you'll hear, but I say take it and enjoy it.

[RecycledNoMore]

Thanks H2H

It was too good to be true

He left a voicemail telling me he hates me and that ill never change

And a txt

"  R*** dont accuse me of what your up2"

I havent responded at all, this is truly mind bending

Its like hes forming responses in his own head and replying... .

[myself]

He's projecting. He hates himself and will never change. He's accusing you of what he's up2.

I learned from experience to turn my exSOpwBPDgf's projections around. Not back at her but seeing she was talking about herself more than she was about me. There was more truth that way. Still too much pain. A big problem for us was she believed the stories she made up. We both lost trust. That made her act worse to me, to which I set boundaries she pushed against and pulled away from.

Until I let go. No more texts or contact. No more mind bending. Now it's life mending.

[fromheeltoheal]

All bets are off at the end of a relationship with a borderline; there are no rules and trust is broken both ways.  Better to cut your losses and not take anything personally, difficult I realize, and once you focus solely on you and your future, he will notice, and the communication attempts will continue, until they don't.  Take care a you!

[RecycledNoMore]

Thanks guys

Projections, its so surreal to experience them now that Ive learned about BPD.

The voicemail was the hardest, I listened thinking maybe id hear a flicker of recognition?

The voice I heard was a stranger, the disdain dripped from every word.

Projection

A dull ache

From mind bending to life mending.

Letting go

Me