How do you not go crazy?

[loop66]

Hi, I'm sort of new to the boards. (I've watched from afar without participating)

My question is how do you not go crazy dealing with such an unstable person? My ex and I only speak through Our Family Wizard (have joint custody of our 1 year old daughter) and I feel like there are days when I just want to pull my hair out reading all of his false allegations. Half the time I don't acknowledge them because I feel like he's baiting me for a reaction, but other times I feel like I just stare at my screen for awhile in complete shock at what I'm reading.   Then other times I have force myself to wait a few hours to respond because I'm so upset and don't want to react before I've thought about it more thoroughly.

My daughter is only 1 and the thought of going through this for the next 17 years feels a little torturous. Please tell me it gets easier with age, and once the children are able to communicate, it relieves some of the drama? I realize I have a long road ahead of me regardless,but any tips you could give would be oh so helpful.

[livednlearned]

I'm sorry you're dealing with this -- you're not alone. 

The good news is that there are tools to help deal with it, and peer support here is great. I learned so much from friends here, and that helped me create some excellent boundaries and good perspectives. Definitely helped center me, even though N/BPDx didn't change much.

Over time, I learned how little actually needed to be discussed or shared with N/BPDx. I have full custody now, but early on, we shared joint custody. At first I believed I had to respond to every email and discuss every decision. My lawyer helped me with the emails -- she would flat out say, "This is abuse. You do not need to respond to this kind of vile." Do you feel obligated to answer your ex's emails? What happens when you don't respond?

It's good that you have OFW as a way to communicate. That creates a good paper trail to show his instability and controlling or abusive ways of communicating.

What kinds of false allegations is he making? Are they things you can easily document?

N/BPDx hardly emails me at all anymore. Unfortunately, he now communicates more openly with S12 through email and text, so now it's a new issue.

You have a lot of years ahead of you, but you also have a lot of years to get a head start, and get your tools in good working order. Things you can learn from books like Divorce Poison (Richard Warshak) and Don't Alienate the Kids (Bill Eddy), plus Power of Validation. Those were my three mainstays.

[scraps66]

Accept the fact that you, and many professionsla even, cannot understand or in some cases predict the completely zany, irrational behavior of BPDs.  With time you will become more adpet at spotting the patterns and being able to predict reactions.  But the ability to rationalize completely irrational behaviors, there is no way to pinpoint the root stimulus for those completely unpredictable behaviors.  I've notice with itme my ex simply, as I say, "controlling by intorudicng chaos," which in many cases inolves telling the children something that is not true or a complete fabricated distortion of reality.  Just don't burden yourself and fill your mind with ideas of "figuring" it all out, but to the greatest extent possible, try to reduce the possibilities for the ex to affect you in this way.  Like, limiting communications and using tools like OFW to communicate.

[Matt]

If the accusations only go to you, so nobody else sees them, and you don't think he is making those accusations anywhere else, it's probably best to document them but not respond in any way.  I'm not familiar with MFW, but maybe you can print them out to make sure you have a copy, or even send them to your lawyer, just so she has a record.  Might be useful at some point.

If they are being made to anybody else - if he is saying this stuff to someone else - and if you can document that - there may be a time and a way to bring them to the court's attention, and ask that he be cited in some way.  It depends exactly what he's saying;  for example, in my state, it's a crime to falsely accuse someone of a crime, and it certainly shows that he has some problem that might interfere in his parenting.  I would suggest talking to your attorney about when and how you can get this behavior in front of the judge so she can understand what is happening and maybe help in some way.  For example, the judge might just look at him and tell him to cut it out.

[livednlearned]

If they are being made to anybody else - if he is saying this stuff to someone else - and if you can document that - there may be a time and a way to bring them to the court's attention, and ask that he be cited in some way. 

This happened in my case. N/BPDx started threatening the parenting coordinator involved in our case. She was a witness during my last custody hearing, and the threats he made to her were a big deal. They fell under the "plausible deniability" type threat, where N/BPDx was clearly trying to intimidate her, without there being a specific threat like "I am going to do xyz to you." The judge ruled that any reasonable person would take those emails to be threatening. It says it right in the ruling.

That testimony led to me getting full custody. Along with all my other documentation (stuff I had been trying to say all along), it showed that a third party was experiencing the same thing. And that made the court pay attention.

[Free One]

I remember being in your place, and feeling like it would never end and would never get better. Two years later, I can tell you, it has gotten a lot better for me. Ex is still the same, but I have put a lot of time and effort into learning skills to help me deal with it and respond to it better. Some days are still hard, but overall a huge improvement.

[thisyoungdad]

Just the title of your post resonated with me so well because in dealing with, or not dealing with my ex I have often wondered how I would ever make another 15 years at minimum go by without going nuts myself. One day at a time and lots of deep breathing, along with a couple very trusted friends. I can't control her. I can control how little contact I have which for parenting a 3 1/2 year old having no contact can be hard and really pretty sad for me at times but it is working a ton better for me too because my life is so much more drama free! I have peace in my life for the first time in so long. It is a hard road, I am not there yet either.

[livednlearned]

There is something to be said for Radical Acceptance too. I think that's what happened to me over the past 3 years without realizing I was doing that. Radical acceptance made some of the stuff on the site about values and boundaries easier to pick up, and I started working on managing my own feelings about events a little better. But it's a process. Literally one day at a time.

I agree with Free One that it does get better -- maybe the pwBPD doesn't get better, but you get better at managing it. Less stress, more peace (like thisyoungdad says), and creating a safe place for yourself.

[Kayvee]

I don't have any fantastic advice but wanted to say  I relate so much to your post. My little boy is 15 months old and I've been separated 4 months.

My ex continues to lie and make everything so much harder than it needs to be. I can't see him stopping either or becoming amicable or reasonable. Dealing with him is like wrestling smoke.

I've been seeing a counsellor which has been unvaluable and is making me stronger and keep things in perspective.

The knowledge that the lies are not true and can't ever be backed up with facts also helps.

Hang in there and stay strong for your little girl mumma!

[PMB1311]

The concept of wrestling smoke is very pertinent.  It fits well with the notion of you can't rationalize irrationality.  I can relate to you dilemma.  All you can do is focus on your own state of mind for the sake of your self and for your child.  I feel for you and mt thoughts and prayers go out to you.  I've been on the edge many time with the exBPD , but your child needs you no matter what.  Stay strong!

[Soulsisters]

Ugh,

Our poor kids.  They don't deserve to be used as weapons, but they are.  My divorce is final and my x keeps putting my kids in the middle.  Age 17 and 15.   

My x sees life only in black and white and likes facts and figures.  My sons believe the facts and figures because they seem to them to be an undebatable fact.  They just don't see that he manufactures the truth.  There is no way to prove him wrong usually.  Plus I am the "crazy"one. 

My x also has to perceive the "moral high ground" to the public. It is almost impossible to discredit him because he is so good at looking good.

I hope kids can find a way to untangle the web one day.