How do you deal with someone like this?

[sadinsweden]

My UBPDso has not been speaking to me for the last week. Why? Who knows. I greeted him at the door when he came home. He said I was attacking him. It could have been a tone in my voice, a facial expression, I moved a piece of paper, or the wind was blowing in the wrong direction. So he went into a rage, called me names, and then has been sleeping on the couch since Monday night. Fine, do what ya gotta do BPD. Just please leave me in peace.

Last night, while I was reading, he enters our bedroom and hisses and snarls at me, "Soo did you buy me any cigarettes?" he says.

This means he is now out of money. He has paid all the bills like clockwork on the first of the month but then preceded to drink away all his disposable income. Now, I'll grant you that Xmas played a factor in his disposable cash this month and he purchased some lovely gifts for me. But this is how it works... . He gets paid on the 25th of each month. Pays the bills. Drinks thru his disposable income. And then come the 10th of the month, he has no money and I support us the two of us on my paycheck. He then proceeds to tell me (when he is enraged) what a freeloader I am, how worthless my job is, and how I don't even make an income. This happens every single month. I have always provided for the rest of the month for the both of us, often going without items I wish or need to purchase.

Back to my story. So he wants smokes. I tell him, that yes in fact, I did buy him some smokes but I'm certainly not going to give them to him when he approaches me with that nasty disrespectful attitude. If he wants smokes, ask me politely. He will not do this. He can't. So he snarls and yells and threatens. I go back to reading my book.

This morning, after he leaves for work, I go into the kitchen and there is a note next to the coffee maker. It reads, "Thanks for the smokes. Enjoy your coffee  " Yes, it even had a smiley face.

He has hidden the coffee filter holder to the machine. Can't find it anywhere. I can't make my morning coffee. Good morning... . lovely way to start the day. *sigh*

He often does this type of thing. During the times where he isn't talking to me, he will do things that he hopes will piss me off during the course of my day. It's insidious! He'll hide the cord to my laptop, puts the filter from the dryer into the washing machine, leaves his dirty dishes all over the apartment. Make a mess on the counter with ketchup and mustard and leaves it for me to clean up. Leaves an empty milk carton in the frig. These are the gifts of BPD that keep on giving thru-out my day as he wars against me. Honestly, I've never seen someone work so hard at being an A*sH*le.

Most times this behavior just makes me roll my eyes. But the coffee thing and hiding things like my laptop cord just makes me angry. It's unnecessary and it's a conscious decision to be mean. It wears on me.

My inclination is to say to him, "Thanks for the coffee. Enjoy not smoking or eating for the rest of the month". But I won't do that... . or should I?

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[karma_gal]

WOW, I go through this all.the.effing.time.  I don't have any words of wisdom on how to handle it, because I haven't figured that out yet, unless blowing up at him and in some cases retaliating count as solutions.  I will be watching this thread closely to see if anyone has any suggestions.  This is one of the bigger issues that gets my goat and can set me off like nothing else.  Like you said, it's insidious.  And then when they throw it in your face like he did with the coffee filter, in those moments, I understand how someone could be driven to do harm to another human being. 

I have read thousands of pages of articles, books, et cetera on passive aggressive behavior, which this is, but nearly every resource has said -- are you ready for it? -- the only real long-term solution is to leave because people who act this way have deep-rooted issues that aren't easily fixed.  All of us here can probably relate to that.  It's the story of our lives. 

Here, I've had instances where I will have an appointment to go to, and my car keys disappear.  One time I found them under a piece of old carpet underneath the bed in our bedroom.  Now, I don't sleep in the bedroom, half the time get my clothes from the laundry room instead of the closet, and so I know for a fact I did not and could not have misplaced them there.  There have been other times I will have an appointment and go out to start my car.  Won't start.  Will get a jump and find out that the dome light was on all night... . except I rarely drive (work at home) and if I do it's during the day and I can count on one hand the number of times I use my dome light in a year.  I got a dental implant, and while waiting for it to integrate so we could put the crown on, I had a partial denture made to act as a placeholder so my other teeth didn't shift.  Two days after getting it, I walked in the bathroom and it was on the floor.  I went back to the dentist and he said it looked like someone had stepped on it repeatedly to bend it and contort it that way.  I have 999 other examples of this stuff. 

It does wear on you, and tick you off, and make you want to do mean, evil things to them in retaliation.  I cannot comprehend in my mind what would possess someone to act like this because it is so calculated, so mean, and so ridiculous and petty that my mind  just cannot fathom an adult behaving this way.  The behavior alone makes me think of a crazy criminal, because the mind set is the same. 

If I didn't get my coffee, he damn sure wouldn't get his cigarettes.  The beauty of it is you aren't broke and can stop and grab a cup, and he's just screwed for another couple of weeks   Chicken, anyone?  I am to the point with all of this craziness that I would probably leave a note like that... . but I'm sure that doesn't fall under the "stop the bleeding and making things worse" umbrella.  I read about it and understand it just fine; I just suck at putting it into practice. 

[karma_gal]

Sorry, I was going to give you the book title but got off on a tangent and forgot.  It's called Living with the Passive Aggressive Man by Scott Wetzler.  You will read the pages and swear the author was a fly on the wall in your house, that's how dead-on the things are in there.

When I had my copy, I left it on the coffee table

[sadinsweden]

It does wear on you, and tick you off, and make you want to do mean, evil things to them in retaliation.  I cannot comprehend in my mind what would possess someone to act like this because it is so calculated, so mean, and so ridiculous and petty that my mind  just cannot fathom an adult behaving this way.  The behavior alone makes me think of a crazy criminal, because the mind set is the same. 

If I didn't get my coffee, he damn sure wouldn't get his cigarettes.  The beauty of it is you aren't broke and can stop and grab a cup, and he's just screwed for another couple of weeks   Chicken, anyone?  I am to the point with all of this craziness that I would probably leave a note like that... . but I'm sure that doesn't fall under the "stop the bleeding and making things worse" umbrella.  I read about it and understand it just fine; I just suck at putting it into practice. 

That's the problem Karma_gal ... . we aren't dealing with adults. Mine is a 45 year old toddler. He's got the emotional age of a three year old. Temper tantrums, throwing food, making a mess, acting out.

I'm wondering about turning the tables a bit here. Giving him the silent treatment for a while. Not because I wish to be vengeful but because I seriously need a break. I'm even considering going to a hotel for Saturday and Sunday night because I just don't want to see his face. This stuff is beginning to get to my head ... . ruminating, can't sleep, can't work. All I do is focus on warding off BPD. It's exhausting. Sadly, I can't quite afford two nights in a hotel at this point. But if I have to, I will.

He also scares me. He's just such a monster when he gets like this. One thing that is a plus is that he has no money for drinking. Now, he might go borrow money from his mother and that would be bad. He would then get stinking drunk and belligerent and potentially violent. He'd also tell his mom that it was because he is supporting two people that he would need the money (See... always my fault).

I mean, seriously ... . they treat us like this and wonder why we sometimes consider leaving. Figure it out!

Anyway ... . thanks for the book recommendation. I'm off to my favorite coffee shop to get a double espresso with streamed milk. And then I plan on some shopping... . maybe that beautiful new sweater I saw the other day. Should cost me about 8 packs of cigarettes. 

[SweetCharlotte]

My H used to give me the silent treatment for extended periods, but without the added "sabotage" of household items that you two describe.

He has stopped, and I think it has to do with his financial situation being better. Though married, we run on two different economies because we are LD. When I have money and he doesn't, he's much more likely to look for provocation to give me the silent treatment. I think it's hard for men to express that they need money from their female partner. He knows that you know it is for vices like smoking and drinking, but he still needs the money. It makes him feel like less of a man to beg you for it, so instead he goes on the (passive)aggressive.

Since my uBPDh's financial status got somewhat better (he is never in a crisis, plus I send him money if he needs it; he doesn't have to tell me what it's for), we have less of these episodes.

[sadinsweden]

Since my uBPDh's financial status got somewhat better (he is never in a crisis, plus I send him money if he needs it; he doesn't have to tell me what it's for), we have less of these episodes.

Thanks for your feedback SweetCharlotte. Yes, money is a huge issue for him and just recently I posted on this board a topic regarding handling money.

My BPD was always great with money. It wasn't until I moved here that things got bad. He always had a savings account and was able to enjoy life in Sweden. About two years before I moved here he had a very traumatic event involving his teeth. This began his drinking. And now, he drinks even more. He blames me for this, of course. Also, he has only worked five months out of the year last year. Some of it due to poor planning on his boss's part, some of it due to weather, some of it due to his own decisions. He also blames me for this. (I understand, someone has to be blamed and that's me)

In brief, he is a very unhappy man. I thought I could make him happy but there isn't enough love and support to fill that empty hole in his heart and soul. So I'm giving up. Don't get me wrong, I'm committed to the relationship, but I have to move on. He's going to have to learn to deal with his crap on his own.

I do however need to continue to instill boundaries for my own well being etc. So... . how does one deal with this type of passive/aggressive behavior? Do I ignore it? Do I continue to support the both us without any appreciation? Validation can be a slippery slope. If I continue to validate this behavior by supporting him (which I should because he does in fact pay the rent, utilities, etc... . I am happy to contribute but not under these passive/aggressive and abusive terms) it will never stop. Perhaps he does need to go without for the rest of the month.

Ohh... . I did write a response to his little smiley face note. My note reads, "I bought you cigarettes. As I told you last night, all you needed to do was ask for them nicely." I have no idea if this will even have an affect on him.

[karma_gal]

It does wear on you, and tick you off, and make you want to do mean, evil things to them in retaliation.  I cannot comprehend in my mind what would possess someone to act like this because it is so calculated, so mean, and so ridiculous and petty that my mind  just cannot fathom an adult behaving this way.  The behavior alone makes me think of a crazy criminal, because the mind set is the same. 

If I didn't get my coffee, he damn sure wouldn't get his cigarettes.  The beauty of it is you aren't broke and can stop and grab a cup, and he's just screwed for another couple of weeks   Chicken, anyone?  I am to the point with all of this craziness that I would probably leave a note like that... . but I'm sure that doesn't fall under the "stop the bleeding and making things worse" umbrella.  I read about it and understand it just fine; I just suck at putting it into practice. 

That's the problem Karma_gal ... . we aren't dealing with adults. Mine is a 45 year old toddler. He's got the emotional age of a three year old. Temper tantrums, throwing food, making a mess, acting out.

I'm wondering about turning the tables a bit here. Giving him the silent treatment for a while. Not because I wish to be vengeful but because I seriously need a break. I'm even considering going to a hotel for Saturday and Sunday night because I just don't want to see his face. This stuff is beginning to get to my head ... . ruminating, can't sleep, can't work. All I do is focus on warding off BPD. It's exhausting. Sadly, I can't quite afford two nights in a hotel at this point. But if I have to, I will.

He also scares me. He's just such a monster when he gets like this. One thing that is a plus is that he has no money for drinking. Now, he might go borrow money from his mother and that would be bad. He would then get stinking drunk and belligerent and potentially violent. He'd also tell his mom that it was because he is supporting two people that he would need the money (See... always my fault).

I mean, seriously ... . they treat us like this and wonder why we sometimes consider leaving. Figure it out!

Anyway ... . thanks for the book recommendation. I'm off to my favorite coffee shop to get a double espresso with streamed milk. And then I plan on some shopping... . maybe that beautiful new sweater I saw the other day. Should cost me about 8 packs of cigarettes. 

See, here we go again.  I read and understand the words that tell me these guys are three-year-old's in man-size bodies, but it must not be sinking in because I really do expect adult behavior out of mine.  Maybe that's why I'm not getting anywhere.  Of course, I should have been clued in when he recently switched from flannel lounge pants to lounge pants with cartoon characters on them.  Ugh, this drives me crazy.

Regarding turning the tables, because of how they are, he may see it as punitive, and not even see that he initiated this ridiculousness.  Can't you just hear him, "But -- but -- but you started it"?  What I have done when mine pulls this crap is act normal.  I will speak to him; if he doesn't speak back, I tell him to have a nice day and move on.  I tend to find things to do, places to go, and just act like life is normal and not let him see how much it's irritating me.  I used to completely break down when he pulled the silent treatment crap, and he LOVED watching me squirm and grovel for him to puhlease talk to me.  Since I've started just acting like it doesn't bother me, leaving him to brood in isolation, and leaving the house without him, he pulls it less and less and less because it just doesn't work for him anymore. 

I am going to send you a PM with a link in it that may help.  If you visit the site, do a search for the silent treatment.  There are so many threads about it and tons of good advice on how to handle it.

If for your sanity getting a hotel room for a couple nights will help, do it.  Let him wonder where you are for a few days and see if that doesn't snap him out of his silliness.  And if he gets drunk and violent, you won't be there to be his target.  In fact, the more I think about it, it's probably safer for you to go to a hotel. 

When I read the line about the sweater costing eight packs of cigarettes, I busted out laughing.  My son was like, "What are you laughing at?  Are you watching a funny video?"  I was like, "No, baby, it's even better than that."  I love the way you think!  And I hope you bought two sweaters  

[elemental]

I guess I am lucky. Mine doesn't do those things. He just does the silent  treatment and goes and stays at his mother's.

If he was pulling that bullying, hiding things, screwing with me, my priority would be to have him out. Life is too short for that BS.

[SweetCharlotte]

It always made me wonder why my uBPDh hides his toothbrush when he is not staying in my home. He said he was afraid my son would use it to scrub the toilet bowl. My son/his step-son would do no such thing!

HE must think about or do such things!

This kind of passive-aggressive sabotage was rampant in his family of origin. After the last of their parents died, his next-oldest brother (who is a psych ward nurse) started pooping on the floor in different rooms of the house because it was on the market and being shown by realtors and he didn't want it to sell!

[waverider]

I went though these kinds of childish behaviors for a while, thankfully they have ceased now.

It is a kind of frustration they experience that they are incapable of releasing in a more healthy way. Until you reach a stage in your RS where conflict is virtually eliminated it is going to hard to be rid of this. Conflict in general is the underlying issue, this passive aggression is just their way of dealing with it.

It is abuse and needs the same boundaries as any other type of abuse. The difficulty here is that each event is small and trivial, so you can't apply individual boundaries as that would be overkill and take you off the moral high ground. Most of all avoid tit for tat

Avoid the temptation to address individual issues. Target the overall attitude of inconsideration.

I think your biggest problems is your domestic arrangement (new country with no independent means of support) your ability to choose to stay or leave has been hindered. If you could work more towards independence then you will be more empowered, less trapped and more capable to use more effective boundary consequences. Thus more effective at reducing conflict as a whole.

[sadinsweden]

When I read the line about the sweater costing eight packs of cigarettes, I busted out laughing.  My son was like, "What are you laughing at?  Are you watching a funny video?"  I was like, "No, baby, it's even better than that."  I love the way you think!  And I hope you bought two sweaters  

Humor is life's shock absorber Karma_gal. And in fact, I bought my sweater, a new t-shirt, and ... . a pair of boots. (Great shoes will take you to great places)

[Take2]

After the last of their parents died, his next-oldest brother (who is a psych ward nurse) started pooping on the floor in different rooms of the house because it was on the market and being shown by realtors and he didn't want it to sell!

Despite all I have gone thru with my ex-BPD-bf, I seriously feel for those psych patients with that guy as their nurse... . !   

[sadinsweden]

It is abuse and needs the same boundaries as any other type of abuse. The difficulty here is that each event is small and trivial, so you can't apply individual boundaries as that would be overkill and take you off the moral high ground. Most of all avoid tit for tat

Avoid the temptation to address individual issues. Target the overall attitude of inconsideration.

I think your biggest problems is your domestic arrangement (new country with no independent means of support) your ability to choose to stay or leave has been hindered. If you could work more towards independence then you will be more empowered, less trapped and more capable to use more effective boundary consequences. Thus more effective at reducing conflict as a whole.

How right you are on all three of these issues, Waverider. The events are small and trivial and I don't want to do tit for tat (No matter how tempting that might be at times). It's just not going to get us anywhere.

Targeting the overall attitude of inconsideration. YES! This is something I can work with. But how? This type of thing is something that we would do as parents. As I taught my sons to be polite, and to show consideration, and have manners. Of course, they learned. I lead by example. I'm not sure how to teach my UBPD these rules. I'm thinking that unless it is something that effects him directly, he's just not going to get the message. (And the thing is, when he's not going thru a rage, he's very considerate, very compassionate. It's a puzzlement!) Having said that, not giving him the cigarettes meant he had to do without. In the past, and again this Thursday, I've said to him, "I don't do demands" and "Nasty attitudes and bad behavior isn't going to work with me. You will not get what you want." Soo... . I guess until I can figure out a way to instill this in him, these two statements are going to have to be my boundaries. As for the other trivial games, (Hiding my laptop cord, sabotaging household goods) I'm quite at a loss as how to handle those. I'll take suggestions   

I want to mention a observation. I might be totally wrong about this but I notice that this passive/aggressive behavior seems to happen as he is COMING OUT of his dysregulation. Prior to this, he'll just give the silent treatment for days or rage at me at me if he even sets eyes on me. He wants nothing to do with me. Friday afternoon, he came home from work and as he walked in the door he says a very sorrowful "Hi". He, I think, was quite aware of his behavior the last few days. He took some time to think about it, and when he was ready, we even had a discussion about it. He listened! We then proceeded to have a lovely weekend. He was totally on task and very clear. Might the P/A behavior be some sort of acknowledgment? A messed up way to reach out or some kind of cycling down?

In closing, Empowerment! Very important. And this I am working on with focused attention.

Thank you again Waverider for your insights. Spot on!

[sadinsweden]

It always made me wonder why my uBPDh hides his toothbrush when he is not staying in my home. He said he was afraid my son would use it to scrub the toilet bowl. My son/his step-son would do no such thing!

HE must think about or do such things!

This kind of passive-aggressive sabotage was rampant in his family of origin. After the last of their parents died, his next-oldest brother (who is a psych ward nurse) started pooping on the floor in different rooms of the house because it was on the market and being shown by realtors and he didn't want it to sell!

YIKES SweetCharlotte! Yikes!

[sadinsweden]

One other thing I want to say about the silent treatment. At least for my guy, I think this is perhaps not so much a "punishment" toward me (for lack of a better word) but is instead a retreat in which to self sooth. Is it possible that this is his way of taking a "Time out" or am I just grasping at straws here and looking to find excuses for his behavior?

[Take2]

Actually I agree with that thought, Sadinsweden, that the silent treatment is often a way for them to self-soothe.  I remember before I was with my ex when he would discuss little bits of his r/s with his then girlfriend, he would even then talk about needing evenings to himself - I didn't really understand it.  But having gone thru it with him soo many times myself, I have seen a pattern of it and he seems to need the time to self soothe.

It's generally not about punishing me - as hurtful as it winds up being - it's about him and his need to almost detach from the anger that he has built up.

[sadinsweden]

Actually I agree with that thought, Sadinsweden, that the silent treatment is often a way for them to self-soothe.  I remember before I was with my ex when he would discuss little bits of his r/s with his then girlfriend, he would even then talk about needing evenings to himself - I didn't really understand it.  But having gone thru it with him soo many times myself, I have seen a pattern of it and he seems to need the time to self soothe.

It's generally not about punishing me - as hurtful as it winds up being - it's about him and his need to almost detach from the anger that he has built up.

Yes, I think we are on to something here Take2. And now discovering this, it makes it easier to deal with the silent treatment. I can understand that. I think my BPD, and perhaps others, need heaps of space.

"to almost detach from the anger that he has built up... " This is also what I was trying to express in my thoughts about passive/aggressive behavior coming at the end of his dysregulation... . it's almost like the last little hoorah.

[waverider]

"I don't do demands" and "Nasty attitudes and bad behavior isn't going to work with me. You will not get what you want." Soo... . I guess until I can figure out a way to instill this in him, these two statements are going to have to be my boundaries.

These are good enough Boundaries, he knows what you are referring to. The important thing to stick to is not getting dragged into JADE and into the details of each issue as that will just deflect you again and give him scope to project it back onto you for being "controlling". What you use as a boundary consequence has to be consistent, for example immediately disengaging and not cooperating with whatever demands he is making. This will trigger him but you just have to weather that and be prepared to enact abuse boundaries if it escalates.

Stick to the more important issues that really get to you, you can't address everything or you will be in eternal conflict.

This niggly behavior as he is coming out of dysregulation may be because the focus is shifting from fully on himself when dysregulating and starting to think about you and retaliation, revenge attacks.

When my partner did these things, I did not react or mention them at the time as they are hoping it will trigger you, and round you go again. I mentioned it in a non confronting way, without asking for an explanation, later at some time when things are normal. They know they did wrong, thats why it was sneaky. It also demonstrates it was pointless as it didn't get the required action, but they where still busted for it... . >>They were exposed for no benefit =low value return action

Keep in mind it takes a long period of consistency to get any lasting effect on them, but it can have an immediate empowering effect on you, as it occupies your mind less, which is the main point.

Breaking in on their "silent time" is taken as a controlling intrusion on their version of self reflection. Good time to go do your own stuff and leave them to it.

It's not so much they need heaps of space but rather they will choose when they want it rather than fit it around anyone else. You can save your quite time until that moments drama has passed. They can't they "down tools" in the middle of the job so to speak. If that's inconvenient for you that's just tough. The result is this "quiet time" is more disruptive and more obvious.

Its all part of an inability to structure or regulate their behavior, differentiate between wants and needs.

[Surrender]

Mine will sabotage the entire day so regardless of what plans we had made, dinner at a friends or family, movie or a dinner out what ever it is it will all be cancelled. Not that he will cancel it but he simply lets me know that thanks to me... . I have ruined the entire day for us both. I end up making the calls and again making excuses, even though they all know and are all sick and tired of these antics. How do you say that you can't make it to dinner on the day of... . when there isn't a real excuse to warrant doing that to people?

Well this is his way of ruining it for me and everyone and blaming me of course for it. It's embarrassing because there is no way to save face with partners who constantly put you in these situations especially where others are involved. As for my circle of friends and family he has ensured to create such rifts and disappointments that people simply stop inviting you.

He has the right to be mad if he feels triggered because of something he is perceiving that I have done but I don't have the right to be upset. I guess that is how it is with us all and there doesn't appear to be a clear answer as to how we can stop this behavior from them. I know with mine he feels that he has every right to behave like this because it is I who have caused it. In his mind it is completely because of me that our plans get trashed repeatedly. It takes him hours and sometimes days to process his feelings and so I'm left walking on egg shells and then eventually I blow up at him because I've just had it. Wash, rinse and repeat.

Every time I think we are making progress... . some fabricated crisis occurs that takes us back 10 steps. I don't have the answers because if anything I have made it worse with my own temper and fury that I unleash on him from my sense of being unjustly treated and verbally assaulted.

The problem is that I think that we forget that they are emotionally underdeveloped, so where ever their trauma set in at what ever age that was is where they are stuck in how they respond. The other thing I always have to keep in mind is that their emotions feel to them like a burn victim. All those good chemicals that we have flooding into our brains when we are feeling something very 'bad' they lack so everything is super exaggerated. I'm learning a lot but I'm way behind the 8th ball... . I've done a lot of damage just with lying because I was so sick of being interrogated and then punished for weeks, months. Lies don't fair well and in many ways because of the things I have done have given him the ammunition to continue to perpetuate these destructive behaviors without wanting to really change. He feels warranted and reminds me constantly of what he is still having to deal with because of how I have betrayed him.

I don't know what to say here? Not sure if we want to know what the only eventual answer is because I know I am in denial big time.

[PeppermintTea]

Mine will sabotage the entire day so regardless of what plans we had made, dinner at a friends or family, movie or a dinner out what ever it is it will all be cancelled. Not that he will cancel it but he simply lets me know that thanks to me... . I have ruined the entire day for us both. I end up making the calls and again making excuses, even though they all know and are all sick and tired of these antics. How do you say that you can't make it to dinner on the day of... . when there isn't a real excuse to warrant doing that to people?

Ahh yes... mine also tries (or used to try) this trick.

So I go to the dinner / event. I get a sitter for the children even though H is home (I have a very good friend / person who sits for me who is fully briefed and knows how to ignore / respond to H and when to call me if necessary).

I tell the people I am having dinner with "my H has a serious mental health problem and he's not fit to be around people socially at the moment". Then I get on with having my social life. H knows I will do this and it isn't a big deal to me so it doesn't create conflict anymore as it used to.

He used to get mean and nasty and rage or give me the slient treatement so that 'he wouldn't have to go' (but he never would just come out and say this). Or he wanted to punish me for some perceived annoyance I didn't even know I'd done and thought this would embarrass me.

Now he knows what my response will be he doesn't pull this rubbish anymore and his therapy is helping him identify the thoughts and emotions that trigger him to want to behave like this.