Soul searching

[Sammamish]

This past weekend my uBPDw sent me a silly number of IM's/emails/skype messages about how much she hates me and about how horrible I am for leaving her. As usual, I tried not to take these personally but after about the 40th message I caved in and agreed with her. I told her she was entitled to her feelings, and yes, ok I am a crap human being! Hows that for validation! It definitely made her feel better. Me not so much!

She called me on Skype and I answered. I got angry. I told her we were no good for each other, we brought out the worst in each other etc. She says she is upset with me because I have given up on the marriage. And I agreed with her, yes I have given up I said, I just cant do this anymore. Nothing has changed as far as I can see.

And now I can see the profound effect our interactions have on my mood. I have been angry/depressed and irritable all day.

I blame myself for not seeing this before we got married.  I knew we had much work to do and I even told her this (big red flag ignored right there!). But such was the nature of our marriage. It was all-or nothing. Our only chance to know if we could have a life together and actually make a go of it. Maybe part of me thought I could actually tame her. Maybe another part of me craved the excitement and drama that we provided each other. These are both probably fairly accurate.  And yet after about 8 months under the same roof I felt so hurt and damaged that I didn't want anything to do with her. I should have seen this coming.  All of it is almost self-fulfilling in many ways. With hindsight it was like two on-coming trains, inevitable there would be wreckage ahead. Everyone who saw us together saw this and wondered what the hell we were doing... .

I also realise that the transference of negativity was a defining element of our relationship.  She would transfer all her negative energy onto me, thereby making herself feel better and I would feel like crap. And yet, I know I was capable of doing exactly the same thing. Such was the nature of our dysfunctional relationship. We were like two children in many ways. I believe we were injured before we got married. Both of us. We found each other and felt we had found our soul-mate. The only person in the world who truly understood us. I sometimes wonder if I have equivalent traits to her. Not BPD. But maybe another "disorder", that mirrored her traits. The worst possible combination...

I believe BPD should not prevent us for taking a look at ourselves and figuring why we got into such a relationship in the first place, despite all the red flags and warning signals that we saw way up the track. I know I am not without fault. I may not be the crappy human being that she says. But I do have much work to do on myself.

[santa]

It's certainly not going to benefit you to be married to someone who hates you, is it? Lol

[sun seeker]

   Man What the heck!  Where we thinking to get involved and stayed involving with these creatures... .

  Been trying to figure this out. Im drawing a blank at the moment... .

[PhoenixRising15]

Sammamish,

I've thought the same thing many times.  And I know I have my issues.  I'm working on them.  HARD.

How about you?

In your relationship, did your ex/w (sorry don't know exact status) ever take the lead and really sit down and work things out and come to you with a viable solution?  Or even a constructive way to work on an issue?

This is the one thing I know about my relationship.  I was the adult.  :)(my ex) never, not once, came to me in a mature, calm manner and said, "here is an issue, here are some possible ways to work it out, what do you think?"

It was rage or the silent treatment, or a HUGE argument, even when I'd just try to present facts (which I now know, if she was truly BPD, didn't matter as her feelings were facts).

[heartandwhole]

I believe BPD should not prevent us for taking a look at ourselves and figuring why we got into such a relationship in the first place, despite all the red flags and warning signals that we saw way up the track. I know I am not without fault. I may not be the crappy human being that she says. But I do have much work to do on myself.

I think when we see this, we shift from our own blaming of "them" to taking responsibility for our lives.  With compassion for ourselves and our partners. 

It sounds like a great step toward healing Sammamish.  You are seeing things about yourself that are hard to see, but being gentle and compassionate.  In my opinion that is real growth.  Inspiring!

[Sammamish]

Thanks for your comments. Taking ownership of the part I played in the relationship is the only way I can move forward and work on myself.

I've arranged to see a divorce lawyer this week, which is a big step for me - to finally accept that the marriage is over. But she has now asked me repeatedly for a divorce (she cannot file as the law in her country requires a minimum 12 month separation). So I have to make the move. Surprise surprise, when I told her about seeing a lawyer she started skyping me and telling me how much she misses me.

The love/hate see-saw was always difficult for me to deal with, mainly because I hung onto her feelings and was always sensitive to ANY sort of criticism. I stayed in the relationship because I had feelings of inadequacy and lack of self-worth, and part of me felt that I deserved to be treated like crap. These are issues which I am now working on with my cousellor.

QuestioningFaith - no, I don't think we ever had a constructive talk about these things, it was always an argument, or it felt like those talks had to be left "until another time" - we were just content with the rare occasions when we were not fighting and actually showing some sort of love towards each other.  So maybe we were both guilty of skirting round the issue. We did try marriage counseling but I knew it was a waste of time when we stumbled at the first hurdle - "fair fighting". She ended up feeling victimised - like it was all her fault, because she knew she couldnt control her anger during an argument. But really, there was never any sense that we were working together to solve our problems. I felt like the emotional care-taker most of the time.