His distrust starts over every Monday

[Cloudy Days]

Ok, so I am just wondering if there is anyway to stop this cycle. I work Monday through Friday and I have two days off. Most of the time my two days off are good and my husband is usually happy to have me home. Every single Monday when I go to work, my husband starts in on me about his suspicions of my fidelity. I know that because I have left him to go to work is why this is happening, he's feeling abandoned. I have to go to work though and I am sick of doing this same dance every Monday. Sometimes all it takes is a little reassurance and Validation and he will drop it, most of the time he doesn't drop it and I have to keep doing it until he does. He doesn't see the pattern, I've brought it up to him so maybe he can notice what is triggering it. What drives me so crazy about it is that it's not like I want to go to work on Monday, it just makes a crappy day worse. I really hate Monday's   I know why he does this, and it has nothing to do with me, but it still gets really old.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[efarns]

Yeah.  You had a good weekend together, but by the time you see each other again Monday evening, his mood has done a complete 180?  My other frustration was that, after limited contact during the week, Mrs. efarns' tolerance for being has been stretched to the limit and pent up for too long, so there always seems to be a fight that lasts most of Saturday.  I don't really know how to break the cycle entirely.  Calling home every day seems to help. 

[briefcase]

It may be something you want to address with him directly.  You can use DEARMAN or SET for something like this, depending on whether you want to ask him to knock it off or if you just want to share your perspective on this issue. 

The false accusations of infidelity are tiring, to say the least. 

[an0ught]

What drives me so crazy about it is that it's not like I want to go to work on Monday, it just makes a crappy day worse. I really hate Monday's   I know why he does this, and it has nothing to do with me, but it still gets really old.

I fully understand your attitude towards Mondays. However I wonder whether his bad behavior is somehow related to your bad attitude. Him sensing you being unhappy. Not blaming you here just pointing to a potential lever to adjust.

Another approach could be trying to take somehow the emotions out of this business. Making it more mechanical, more ritualistic. Sort of medium chill.

Another aspect would be strict leaving times. Making it impossible to use last minute drama to get a validation fix. Sort of boundaries for you.

[Cloudy Days]

It's certainly a Monday again... .He finds something anything to get mad about. Some days I don't even see him because he will be sleeping when I get up. It's like clock work though, once he's awake he will send a text of some sort questioning my love for him or an accusatory text saying I'm cheating on him. It's not my bad attitude because he doesn't even have to see or speak to me for this to happen. Other mornings he gives me dirty looks and is outright rude to me until I leave for work, my mom picks me up so there is no set time other than when she shows up.

I get two days off this week for the holiday, I bet he pulls this again on Thursday... .I just noticed the pattern not too long ago. If we fight all weekend then he misses me on Monday, if we get along well then he pushes me away on Monday.

[LifeIsBeautiful]

My uBPDw disregulates every morning for the past month. She does and says the most unbelievable stuff, and I am starting to believe I am crazy for staying. The chaos has become part of my life, and think I have accepted it. Feel like ending it or even myself, like what she taunts me to do? I wonder does she really get a kick of this madness? Somebody kick me... .

[an0ught]

I wonder does she really get a kick of this madness? Somebody kick me... .

In a perverse sense - yes she does get something out of it.

She feels bad.

She invalidates you.

You feel bad and radiate it.

Bingo: She got validated.

PwBPD not only have a great need for validation they also have a knack of squeezing validation out of others. It totally sucks to be played like that  . And as it is usually quite instinctive what they are doing it doesn't even help arguing about it. Yes it is possible to create awareness over time but until that day comes one needs an umbrella to stand under when it rains. Here are two:

1) Boundaries: Don't pick up the gauntlet

2) Validate the negative emotions before you are forced to feel them yourself.

[shatra]

Hi

Anought wrote

She feels bad.

She invalidates you.

You feel bad and radiate it.

----This also sounds like "projective identification"-----they project the feeling out onto us, hoping we will identify with and "take on" their feeling----like the "tag you're it" game described in the literature

Shatra

[LifeIsBeautiful]

Hi,

Thanks for the insight. After 2 days of over the top raging, I tried my utmost not to engage, tough as it was, and things went back to normal as if it didn't happen. Now when is the next outburst? It wasn't about me, mostly at least, and she was trying to get me to react. If I continue to appear unaffected by her outbursts, will she feel even more "invalidated" and try to escalate it until I lose it?

[shatra]

Hi

  Yes, being "ignored" makes them feel "abandoned". She may try to "up the ante" and act out even more. What if you were to validate her feelings?

SHatra

[an0ught]

Hi LifeIsBeautiful,

Thanks for the insight. After 2 days of over the top raging, I tried my utmost not to engage, tough as it was, and things went back to normal as if it didn't happen. Now when is the next outburst? It wasn't about me, mostly at least, and she was trying to get me to react. If I continue to appear unaffected by her outbursts, will she feel even more "invalidated" and try to escalate it until I lose it?

invalidation primarily plays a role in connection with emotions. Emotions exist in the NOW.

When will he next outburst be? You never know. Often it will be preceded by some invalidation which tends to trigger.

- Avoiding triggers is hopeless as there can be really odd ones.

- It is important to avoid invalidation as a trigger

- but it also important to acknowledge that it is impossible to do so perfectly. Getting the frequency down is under our control to some degree.

When it come to her past outbursts keep in mind that pwBPD live very much in the NOW. Discussing past and future is a bit a challenge with the best of topics. Now I'm not saying sweeping the impact of her outbursts under the table. Sharing that explicitly using SET at appropriate times can be valuable. But it is going to be a tricky one as there is the NOW living aspect and also sharing it may be perceived aggressive as it raises in her feelings of guilt and shame. A good command of SET as a skill may be useful - to be practiced with less shaming topics. Another way to do it is to share it when it happens in a more visible manner instead of hiding it doing more active display of the immediate impact. Instead of using acting skills and making a brave face use them to do the opposite. However avoid displaying weakness - usually not so welcome.

[LifeIsBeautiful]

Hi, I need to work on the validation, hoping that my T can help. It's difficult when some of the issues are untrue or even "made up". It's more or less the same things being recycled, and I really do not know what to say or even think. Please stop it? No way... .

Hi

  Yes, being "ignored" makes them feel "abandoned". She may try to "up the ante" and act out even more. What if you were to validate her feelings?

SHatra

[Cloudy Days]

Hi, I need to work on the validation, hoping that my T can help. It's difficult when some of the issues are untrue or even "made up". It's more or less the same things being recycled, and I really do not know what to say or even think. Please stop it? No way... .

The best way I have learned to Validate is to Validate their feeling, not the actual thought. So when I want to Validate the feeling but not what he is actually saying, I say something like. I know that it would really bother me to have those kinds of thoughts about my spouse. I can see that those thoughts are really distressing to you, they would be to me too. It takes practice to get it down, I still have slip ups and invalidate my husband, it's just human nature. But you will get the hang of it.