better the devil you know than the one you dont

[Monarch Butterfly]

I've longed for freedom for too long. I'm slowly getting there. I have imagined so many times what life would be like if I were on my own with no one to control me, put me down, neglect me and flip out in front of me. This is my dream: a life without him. 

I confront him about divorce and I feel so light, so free, so good. I stand up for what I believe and it feels good to put those boundaries up. Then I get to the point where I need to call a lawyer and get the papers going and I guess panic.

I start to doubt if everything I lived was true, or if I just exaggerated everything. He says our relationship wasn't that bad and I am too sensitive. He says I'll never be happy. He says I'll regret everything I'm doing and I'll come back crawling to him, and it will be too late. He says I pay big time for trying to leave. Then he starts on about kids and how I'm going to destroy our family (like he hasn't done that already!).

When I'm doing good I can see they are just lies, but when I'm not, like today, I start to think what exactly am I doing? Was it that bad? Yes, it was. But I can live in this relationship, it's not like it's going to kill me, but it will not be a good one. So why leave? I can sacrifice my happiness to make this work. Is it such a big price to pay? Will I ever find someone that is decent or are all r/s this bad? I have two things on my list: honesty and fidelity. I don't think that it's too hard to find someone with those two qualities. My mind goes off into some other fear dimension and I question every single thing that has happened. I question the future. I question the past.

I desperately want to leave, but then when I get too close to a lawyer all my fears kick in. All his lies kick in. It is so hard to be strong 100% of the time... . I do want to leave desperately and urgently. I know I have to leave. I'm not undecided, it's just so hard to pick up the phone and call a lawyer.  :'( Why?

[Learning_curve74]

Hey MB, I think a lot of us struggle with the same feelings you are having. It's like we put up with crap for so long we almost can't imagine it being any different, and hey we survived this long, what's another ten, twenty, thirty years of the same, eh?

This may or may not be the case for you, but some of us may have our thinking and feeling shaped by "Stockholm syndrome". Check out this article: Love and Stockholm syndrome: the mystery of loving an abuser.

A short excerpt:

In clinical practice, some of the most surprised and shocked individuals are those who have been involved in controlling and abusive relationships. When the relationship ends, they offer comments such as “I know what he’s done to me, but I still love him”, “I don’t know why, but I want him back”, or “I know it sounds crazy, but I miss her”. Recently I’ve heard “This doesn’t make sense. He’s got a new girlfriend and he’s abusing her too…but I’m jealous!” Friends and relatives are even more amazed and shocked when they hear these comments or witness their loved one returning to an abusive relationship. While the situation doesn’t make sense from a social standpoint, does it make sense from a psychological viewpoint? The answer is — Yes!

On August 23rd, 1973 two machine-gun carrying criminals entered a bank in Stockholm, Sweden. Blasting their guns, one prison escapee named Jan-Erik Olsson announced to the terrified bank employees “The party has just begun!” The two bank robbers held four hostages, three women and one man, for the next 131 hours. The hostages were strapped with dynamite and held in a bank vault until finally rescued on August 28th.After their rescue, the hostages exhibited a shocking attitude considering they were threatened, abused, and feared for their lives for over five days. In their media interviews, it was clear that they supported their captors and actually feared law enforcement personnel who came to their rescue. The hostages had begun to feel the captors were actually protecting them from the police. One woman later became engaged to one of the criminals and another developed a legal defense fund to aid in their criminal defense fees. Clearly, the hostages had “bonded” emotionally with their captors.

While the psychological condition in hostage situations became known as “Stockholm Syndrome” due to the publicity, the emotional “bonding” with captors was a familiar story in psychology.

While your case may not be one of Stockholm syndrome per se, there is the element of emotional bonding that occurred that makes it so hard to detach.

[peacebaby]

That's a tough situation. Two comments.

The subject line--in this case you know the devil but you do NOT know that there is a devil on the other side--the other side is a much better side--as I just found out two months ago.

When was the last time you spent time without him? If you could take a few days on vacation, even at a friend's place, it would help bring clarity of thought and allow you to feel what it's like not to feel like you have to think about him all the time. Often, people with BPD don't like their partners to go anywhere without them, and part of the reason is they'll see how good it is.

Just a thought. 

[babyspook]

When I'm doing good I can see they are just lies, but when I'm not, like today, I start to think what exactly am I doing? Was it that bad? Yes, it was. But I can live in this relationship, it's not like it's going to kill me, but it will not be a good one. So why leave? I can sacrifice my happiness to make this work. Is it such a big price to pay? Will I ever find someone that is decent or are all r/s this bad? I have two things on my list: honesty and fidelity. I don't think that it's too hard to find someone with those two qualities. My mind goes off into some other fear dimension and I question every single thing that has happened. I question the future. I question the past.

I desperately want to leave, but then when I get too close to a lawyer all my fears kick in. All his lies kick in. It is so hard to be strong 100% of the time... . I do want to leave desperately and urgently. I know I have to leave. I'm not undecided, it's just so hard to pick up the phone and call a lawyer.  :'( Why?

Monarch,

I know how you feel.  Forget about all the psychobabble here that many of us don’t connect with and just realize it’s a matter of the heart that’s kept you where you are now.  It comes down to a very simple yet complex battle of the heart and mind.  Your logic knows what your heart doesn’t want to accept.  That’s where we all are in these beautifully toxic relationships.  We know deep down it’s not going to work after the dust settles…... not the way we want/wish/hope yet we still strive to give it one more try, one more chance, or one more day.  I’m soo guilty of this.  In the end, I lost.  I finally accepted the fact that there was only one way and that is OUT and my heart finally agrees.

[Turkish]

Will I ever find someone that is decent or are all r/s this bad? I have two things on my list: honesty and fidelity. I don't think that it's too hard to find someone with those two qualities. My mind goes off into some other fear dimension and I question every single thing that has happened. I question the future. I question the past.

I'll add one to that list, at least for me: respect. Leaving aside her double life for the past 6 months, mine was honest to the point of being cruel sometimes. That was lack of respect. They are the same people. That will not change.

I hear you about the lawyer... . It was a tough step for me, the finality of it. After meeting with another one, it still took me a few days to drop off the retainer (my only issue is CS/custody). I'm dreading working up the plan. Maybe a less confrontational step at this point would be to post a question on avvo?

[nevaeh]

I've longed for freedom for too long. I'm slowly getting there. I have imagined so many times what life would be like if I were on my own with no one to control me, put me down, neglect me and flip out in front of me. This is my dream: a life without him. 

I confront him about divorce and I feel so light, so free, so good. I stand up for what I believe and it feels good to put those boundaries up. Then I get to the point where I need to call a lawyer and get the papers going and I guess panic.

I start to doubt if everything I lived was true, or if I just exaggerated everything. He says our relationship wasn't that bad and I am too sensitive. He says I'll never be happy. He says I'll regret everything I'm doing and I'll come back crawling to him, and it will be too late. He says I pay big time for trying to leave. Then he starts on about kids and how I'm going to destroy our family (like he hasn't done that already!).

When I'm doing good I can see they are just lies, but when I'm not, like today, I start to think what exactly am I doing? Was it that bad? Yes, it was. But I can live in this relationship, it's not like it's going to kill me, but it will not be a good one. So why leave? I can sacrifice my happiness to make this work. Is it such a big price to pay? Will I ever find someone that is decent or are all r/s this bad? I have two things on my list: honesty and fidelity. I don't think that it's too hard to find someone with those two qualities. My mind goes off into some other fear dimension and I question every single thing that has happened. I question the future. I question the past.

I desperately want to leave, but then when I get too close to a lawyer all my fears kick in. All his lies kick in. It is so hard to be strong 100% of the time... .  I do want to leave desperately and urgently. I know I have to leave. I'm not undecided, it's just so hard to pick up the phone and call a lawyer.  :'( Why?

Monarch... . 

I could have written your post.  It is my story as well.  I have been with uBPDh for 24 years, married 18.  We have 3 kids. 

I have retained a lawyer (my parents are loaning me the money until I have complete access to my half of our money).  I am on a schedule.  I am telling H that I am filing for divorce next Friday, the 24th.

I am a nervous wreck.  I can't look H in the eyes.  I feel horrible for what I am going to do.  I feel bad for "pretending" to love him for the past few years.  I feel bad for making him believe that things are OK and that his craziness is tolerable and excusable. 

Let me tell you, I have been where you are for SO LONG!  As long as my kids are happy and we are "taken care of", maybe it's not so bad to stay.  Maybe H will be "better" when the kids leave the house.  Maybe H will be better in retirement when he's not stressed about work and saving for retirement.  I can handle this craziness for the sake of being financially sound and keeping up my current lifestyle.  He can't help that he has a bad temper or that he's never happy.  I will never find another man anyway, so maybe it's better to be with this man and be unhappy some of the time rather than being alone.

Last summer, after a particularly bad run of things between H and I, we had family visiting.  My sister-in-law was telling me that her parents are celebrating their 50th anniversary this year.  Now, SIL has told me over the years that her dad was abusive, both physically and emotionally, her whole life, particularly with her mother.  Anyway, her mom has stayed with the dad all these years and now they are at year 50.  The kids all asked their mom if she would like to have an anniversary party to celebrate with friends and family.  The mom replied that NO, she doesn't want to celebrate the fact that she has been with this man who she doesn't even like for 50 years, that it's a reminder of the unhappiness she has been living with for the past 50 years.  So, the kids told her that maybe she should look at the party as a "celebration" that she SURVIVED the last 50 years!

This conversation, and the timing of this conversation, was the wake-up call that I needed.  I realized that I do not want to be that woman!  I do not want to look back at my life and realize that I wasted it being with someone who made me miserable.  I MATTER!  MY happiness is worth something... .  and IT should be my priority, not his!

I also have times when I feel like I am being overly sensitive and that maybe things aren't as "bad" as I think they are.  But, something I realized is that my perception and my feelings are what they are.  Maybe a different person in my shoes would be able to "take" his madness and they would handle it differently.  But... .  I cannot!  I have come to the conclusion that both H and I share a burden in the failure of our marriage.  My burden is that I ignored the red flags when we were dating, that I tolerated and "excused" his behavior for the first several years, then in the past few years I have gotten really good at "orchestrating" everything and everyone around me to try and minimize H's crazy behavior.  It has worked.  While H has fewer rages and is "better" I, on the other hand, am emotionally dead.  My brain is tired.  I can't focus on anything.  I feel defeated.  I feel hopeless.  I feel like I have lost all control over my own life.

Anyway, what I have realized, and will tell my H is that the two of us together will NEVER work.  We don't match.  We have proven that over, and over, and over again.  There will be no reconciliation.  I don't hate him.  I don't want to fight with him.  I want this split to be amicable.  I have to be strong for myself and not worry about how H will handle it.  Yes, he will be broken.  But I have been broken for so long that I can no longer handle the emotional burden of making sure he isn't broken. 

Next week is going to be so incredibly hard.  I am trying to think of it this way... .  when I tell him I want a divorce he might get mad and have a rage.  If that happens, how can that be any worse than any of the rages he's had before?  The next couple of months will likely be very hard... .  but can they possibly be worse than all of the "bad" times we've had before? 

I can tell you this, and I know that you feel the same thing, that once I am over the hard part of telling him, I have my whole life ahead of me.  I may live the rest of my life "alone".  Or, I may find a man who treats me like I deserve to be treated, and who I am actually compatible with. 

I have been very purposeful this time about how I will go about detaching myself from my H.  I have a small number of friends and family who know I have struggled for years.  I have seen a lawyer at least 5 times in the past 10 years but never had the guts to pull the trigger, for the same reasons as you.  But, once I made the decision this time I told myself that I had to follow through and if I didn't that I had no one to blame for my future unhappiness but myself and I would have to live with the fact that I let myself down.  No more "blaming" H for my unhappiness.  It's all on me.  So... .  I started telling more people of my plans.  I told my boss.  I told some co-workers.  I told a few more friends.  I have a ton of support.  When my mom called me to ask if it was OK to drop off the retainer check to the lawyer I had a slight panic attack in my office and told her to give me a few minutes to decide (however, my first response was no, I'm not ready).  Then I called the lawyer and asked if I could get the money back if something happened to change, to which she said yes.  So I called my mom and told her to drop the check off.  Then a few days later the lawyer sent the draft dissolution document to me and said it's ready to go when I am.  Another small panic attack but I HAVE to keep things moving forward.  I am trying to approach each day with the realization that I only have to worry about that day.  I'm still a nervous wreck.  H is acting "fine" right now.  He doesn't appear to be thinking about splitting up.  He's talking about investment opportunities for "us"... .  asking me about things we should put on our schedule in a week, two weeks, 6 months.  It's really hard because I know that after next Friday things will blow up and there will be no future plans with him, except that one of us will be moving out of the house and that we will be going our separate ways. 

It's a terrifying yet liberating thought.  I am so ready to be on the other side of this.  I have to keep my focus on that, not on what might happen a week from tomorrow.  You WILL get to this point... .  you will know when the time is right.  At some point you will say ENOUGH and you will be ready.  If you are afraid you will back out, do what I did, and start pulling people in to the fold.  Once I started telling my boss about the craziness at home and that I was planning on leaving, I have found that it would be mortifying and embarrassing to tell him that I decided to stay with my H after all.  What would he think of me if I backed out?  When you start sharing your experiences with others you realize how crazy it all is, and how it sounds, and you can use their disbelief about your situation as the strength you need to become accountable to yourself (and them, to an extent).

I wish you the best and will be pulling for you!

Take care.

[Obibens]

I can totally relate to this.  I just had 'the talk' with my wife a couple of weeks ago, and she basically said that she wants a fresh start, a clean slate, and she forgives me for everthing I've done. Whatever.

I have 3 kids as well, and they are all older (20, 17, 13).  I told myself for years that I was being too sensitive, that I should just stick it out for the kids, I need to be more supportive.  More than anything the kids need a mom and dad in the house together.  The hard reality is - my 20 yr old has been diagnosed with BPD, and my other two have been in couseling for depression or almost a year (my 13 yr old is on medication).

Now I have to face the fact that maybe all I did was be an enabler, and my kids have suffered because of it.  My wife never hit them, was never physical. She yelled a little, but only during big arguments.  She was the master of the back handed insult.  Im a 45 yr old grown man and her words can get under my skin and drive me crazy - and I know what she's doing.  Why in the world did I think it wouldn't be 20 time harder for a child to hear that stuff - from someone who's supposed to love them unconditionally.  And all there supposedly loving dad did is sit by and watch.  Or tell them to get over it, that's just how mom is.  If the words were harsh enough I'd step and and take on her anger, but it's obvious I didn't do it enough.  Make no mistake, I know that I am just as much to blame in this situation.

My only advice is... . if your are going to stay, make sure you do the boundary work for you and your kids.  Lest you be filled with the regret I have... .

[Monarch Butterfly]

Thanks you for all your comments. Just reading them gives me more strength and a more level mind. 

[seeking balance]

I desperately want to leave, but then when I get too close to a lawyer all my fears kick in. All his lies kick in. It is so hard to be strong 100% of the time... . I do want to leave desperately and urgently. I know I have to leave. I'm not undecided, it's just so hard to pick up the phone and call a lawyer.  :'( Why?

Monarch,

I hope you know how very normal this feeling is... . none of us have divorced lightly.

To give you some perspective based on my experience,

The first time I mentioned divorce was Oct 2009 in MC.

I didn't actually file until Dec. 2010 - and only after my ex wiped out the money market accounts and was living with someone else.

I was scared, didn't want the fight and had to confront my own failure issues.  The one thing I learned (the hard way), most folks don't "change" until the pain of not changing becomes greater.  I wish that were not the case.

Being over is really really hard.  With that goes our  dreams of what marriage was "supposed" to look like.  We did love them, or we wouldn't have married them.

What is it that keeps you from calling an attorney- only you know.  But the fact you are posting about is a big step in digging deep for that answer within you.

Peace,

SB

[RecycledNoMore]

Because my friend

It is killing you - inside

Your shattered self confidence, questioning your own beliefs,denial about Hs abuse

Its killing you

Honesty and fidelity are not too much to ask for

You are worth the fight monarch,please believe this