Going from VLC to NC?

[Our abuse recovery guide]

I haven't seen mom uBPD for coming up 3 years. I still sent bday card/small gift & moms day and still send a thank you email when she sends. Thats been the scope of it. Also my step dad cards and half sister.

If I was to go NC, what do I do - just stop sending and not expect anything to happen? I feel like I should explain but at this stage/moment I don't want to.

It sounds small fry but because of how this has panned out, a now bday card stands for a lot. And what about my half sister and cards? (shes lot younger than me)

x

[StarStruck]

I haven't seen mom uBPD for coming up 3 years. I still sent bday card/small gift & moms day and still send a thank you email when she sends. Thats been the scope of it. Also my step dad cards and half sister.

If I was to go NC, what do I do - just stop sending and not expect anything to happen? I feel like I should explain but at this stage/moment I don't want to.

It sounds small fry but because of how this has panned out, a now bday card stands for a lot. And what about my half sister and cards? (shes lot younger than me)

x

[Cheshire]

If I was to go NC, what do I do - just stop sending and not expect anything to happen? I feel like I should explain but at this stage/moment I don't want to.

If you're not ready to give your reasons, then don't. You can do that part later if and when you get there.  If it's time to cut contact then follow your instincts and do it.  I did it with an email and then another one because I didn't write the first one clearly enough. I've been NC for 2 years and I can say that it was still my best life decision.  I couldn't really explain it when I did it, that took me awhile. I waded through months of boundary-testing and angry emails, but the space I had made for myself allowed for rapid growth and new-found clarity.  I sent a letter to my enDad 10 months ago to give a carefully worded explanation but have yet to get any reply.  My brothers accepted my decision with very little confusion. They suffered along side me, but chose to stick around for different reasons each.  My aunt (and good friend and ally in this) remarked that if divorcing a husband or wife is commonly accepted as an out from an abusive relationship, why should it be any different from a parent that behaves the same way?

I wish you luck with your decision. Keep writing.

-Cheshire

[StarStruck]

Cheshire thank you.

This bit is blimin tricky... . cringing even. Def a separate step from VLC. I am strangely excited if I pull this off.

I am concerned that because there's been no angry anything, that it will come as a shock to them/her but that's just daft because she would have to be nuts!* not to notice that I haven't had much to do with her for yrs. * that's just cracked me up :D.

Maybe because she's always used the under the radar style. "I don't understand my daughter she has just disappeared and doesn't want to see me, I just don't understand it, didn't see it coming at all ... . poor me"

... but the space I had made for myself allowed for rapid growth and new-found clarity.  

Yea I can imagine, I came on leaps and bounds when I actively did VLC. I wouldn't have known I needed that time unless I did it.

My brothers accepted my decision with very little confusion. They suffered along side me, but chose to stick around for different reasons each.  My aunt (and good friend and ally in this) remarked that if divorcing a husband or wife is commonly accepted as an out from an abusive relationship, why should it be any different from a parent that behaves the same way?

Really nice to hear this support from others in the family. They sound sensible, I am hoping for the same, mainly with my brother. My mom & dad aren't together so dad not a problem; though if he hears of this and new the truth of it, I think he would be quite shocked. Unsure yet whether to share that, as he may not be able to take it on which would prob annoy the hell out of me.

My step dad was enmeshed but my Mom divorced him too. A trail of destruction in her wake, she still doesn't think it's anything to do with her, well in her conscious brain.

All the best Cheshire and hope maybe some resolution with your enDad happens, if that's what you will desire of course.

Thanks for your words of encouragement.  

SS x (or SOS! )

P.S. there is a part of me that still thinks... . Have I got this right... . is she really mental? I almost still can't believe it.

[StarStruck]

Just thought of something else... . How would you look at the half sister.

She's very, very much part of their unit. But I feel bad cutting her off... . would you still send bday cards to the daughter of the uBPD Mom?

Shes a teenager. She might be damaged though, she has had a completely different set of circumstances to me. I think she must be looking at her influences. I don't consider anyone on that side of family normal... . strong Narc traits in her life. I think her dad -if not a full Narc- has high traits and I would consider her gran mom a BPD.

What if she was to need my help one day?

Thinking of it I doubt my bro will go NC so she will be able to get to me through him I suppose.

But if I stop cards for her, looks as if I've rejected her. I don't want to add to her weird family.

YES I am a sucker ! x

[StarStruck]

This cracks me up :D

I only send mails a few weeks back saying : I don't know if this is the calm before the storm, type thing.

And yes I think im heading right into it by my own choice... . ahh.

I will feel for the half sister but she's already right in the mix and I couldn't have had an influence as I wasn't living in the household for all of her life. Even then what chance would I have had, with her parents. My Mom also tried to bring her up different by going the other way... . spoiling her with letting her rule the roost.

She looks like she could have the beginning of some sort of BPD/N disposition... . poor girl... . she didn't deserve any of that - no baby does (or the people that will come across it) x

[StarStruck]

I've been sat here thinking about this... . and come to the conclusion that to stop cards being sent I'm am going to have to ask them to stop sending.

I was hoping to avoid this but I can't just stop sending. It looks inflammatory. I feel a bit sick drafting the email.

If there is anyone with this experience I would appreciate some wise words... . think I am beginning to realize that there's no easy answers on this. x

Sori guys for all the posts one after another

[Sitara]

Maybe because she's always used the under the radar style. "I don't understand my daughter she has just disappeared and doesn't want to see me, I just don't understand it, didn't see it coming at all ... . poor me"

The more of your posts I read, the more I feel like our moms are practically the same people.  I'm sure these are the sorts of things my mom says too.

P.S. there is a part of me that still thinks... . Have I got this right... . is she really mental? I almost still can't believe it.

I have days like that too.  Like maybe I'm over-exaggerating.  Or remembering wrong.  Because I wasn't physically beaten, maybe I am just being too sensitive, just like my mom always said... .  

I will feel for the half sister but she's already right in the mix and I couldn't have had an influence as I wasn't living in the household for all of her life. Even then what chance would I have had, with her parents.

This is how I feel about my niece and nephew.  When I moved, my sister cut off the last contact we had (removed me and my husband from facebook).  I agonized for weeks about how I wanted to move forward with my relationship with them.  I ultimately decided I had to let go, as much as it pains me, but there's really very little I can do to help them.  It's hard knowing what they're going to grow up with.  My mom is very, very involved in their lives, and my sister has enough of the BPD traits that it has to be hard being stuck in the middle of that.  But like you said, what chance do you have with people like that around them?  The last birthday gift I sent I'm not even sure got received.  There was no acknowledgement or thanks.  If I know my family at all, I don't even want to know what both my mom and my sis are telling those two about their evil aunt.

What if she was to need my help one day?

If they ever reach the point where they want to make contact with me one day, I'll be there for them.  I will answer any questions they have as honestly and as tactfully as I can.  All I can do is be here if they need me.  I can't save them from the life they have ahead of them, as much as I want to.

I was hoping to avoid this but I can't just stop sending. It looks inflammatory. I feel a bit sick drafting the email.

I'm not planning on sending my mom a bday card which comes up in the near future.  And although I feel that I already warned her this could happen by saying if she didn't change some of her behaviors, we wouldn't have a relationship, I doubt she'll see it that way.  I didn't send a card last year because she had stopped speaking to me for months, and she played the guilt/pity card on that one.  "I stood outside and cried all by myself because no one has ever intentionally not sent me a card!"  I fully expect this birthday to be the turning point to NC.

I don't have any advice on writing except say what you need to say to feel better about yourself.  It's obviously important to you to let them know what's going on, so explain why you don't want to exchange cards anymore.  I wouldn't worry about saying it in a way to spare feelings; that's not going to be possible.  Just be honest, and don't go out of your way to be mean.  Now I only hope I can take my own advice when my turn comes around... .

Good luck. 

[StarStruck]

Hi Sitara -

Does sound like we are in a very similar boat right now.

1) Yea when my bro has asked whats up with me not being around at event things, she's said ... . "i don't know, I just don't think she likes visiting". Blimin ridiculous when I write this down.

2) Yea you think... . this is really important I hope that I'm seeing this right. I do know I must be but I have always tried to reason benefit of the doubt for her. There was some classic times that stick in my mind though, which I have to be in total denial not to except the weirdness. I think the word sensitivity in this instance should be changed to the word; Knowing... . & they don't like 'knowing'. (& how wise are children, amazing).

3) Thats not nice for you, same situ here and I will have to quickly accept that but I was only thinking the other day that I doubt I will know if she will ever get the gifts. I should imagine that they won't like me having an uncontrolled line in when to her at all, when they consider I'm pulling ranks.

4) Thanks Sitara, thats how I feel. To be honest and come from a place of love.

5) Feel for you with your situ, so next birthday if nothing changes you will be doing the same. It's cringing isn't it but I suppose we should see it as a natural of process of what we are needing to do for a good life. Knowing that doesn't make it any easier though does it. Feels like I have no option it's the obvious way to go now. She's dictated this really... . lovely :/

Thanks Sitara. and blimin good luck to you too  

Brave and Strong and Considered. (We can do this!)

Sorry bout the paragraphs style hope it matches up right with your responses... . tried to do it quote in quote thing but went haywire

[Tayto]

would getting your partner sending your mother a card while you can send your half sister a card, that way you are separated from the contact per say with your mother while keeping in contact with your half sister. you can write both cards but if your partner buys your mother the card you are simply singing it.  if it was signed by two different people your mother might cop on a and use this against you.

just a thought

[StarStruck]

Hi keezie1,

Nice point bout card shopping to take the pressure off but still being in contact with my mom in this way is still a door opener for her and the rest of the family for other meet/occasions in the future, I don't think they've considered much has changed really. I would rather progress on this path, as it's got to the stage where it is the next step for my situ. I will still send to the sister.

[itsnotme]

I think I would still continue to give a card to your sister only if she is not abusive to you. Remember she is still young and under their control for a few mores years. There may come a day where she will be looking for answers as to why mom is the way she is and you may be the only one who can help her.

As far as cutting ties w the other two. I don't know. I guess I would write a very detailed letter explaining why. It doesn't mean they will understand your reason. Good luck.

[StarStruck]

Thank u itsnotme -

yes I think same with the sister. I think I will contact adults but I don't think I will give a detailed explanation, not at this stage.

If they need explanation then I will politely fill them in.